Monkey HeadButting
by Miko2
Summary: Ranma and Kasumi switch bodies, and have to pretend to be each other while they figure out how to switch back.
1. Default Chapter

  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting  
Part One  


  
"Oh! What's this?"  
Kasumi set her laundry basket down on the grass and picked up the strange object lying at the edge of the stone path. She turned it over. It was a metal broach of some sort, of a dull grey metal, perhaps pewter. It was covered in dirt, but from what she could see of it, the front depicted a rather amuzing little monkey's face.  
"How cute!" she exclaimed. "I wonder who's it is, and how it got here? I'll have to wash it off and see if I can't find out who it belongs to."  
Slipping the broach into her apron pocket, she picked up the laundry and continued on her way, humming to herself.  
  


***  


  
"Ranma, hurry up! We're going to be late!"  
Akane Tendo's voice carried up the stairwell. Ranma Saotome shoved his legs into loose pants of black silk and fumbled with the drawstring. *Damn her! Would it hurt her to wake me earlier?* he thought furiously. *It's not like I can help being a heavy sleeper! If she had to deal with pop's snoring, she'd be one too!*  
Ranma grabbed his shoes and book bag and ducked into the hallway, legs pumping. He tugged his top into place as he nearly flew down the stairs. At the last second, he saw Kasumi come around the corner, a bundle of neatly folded clothes in hand.  
"Look out!" Ranma yelled, too late. He saw her face coming at him, he felt a sharp crack against his head like a blow from Akane's mallet, and then there was darkness.  
  


***  
  


When Kasumi opened her eyes, Akane was towering over her like sumo wrestler Akebono over a fallen opponent. Akane's face was flushed with anger, and Kasumi's head was pounding.  
"You idiot!" Akane yelled. "How many times do you have to be told to be careful coming down those stairs? My sister could have been killed!"  
"I'm all right," Kasumi said woozily, placing a hand to her forehead. There was going to be a knot there, she could tell. "It was just an accident, Akane. It's okay, really."   
In the background father was crying in anguish, carrying on as if she were mortally injured. "Kasumi! My daughter! Poor Kasumi! Speak to your father!"  
"I'm all right, father," Kasumi said. Her voice _did_ seem a little odd...  
"Let's put her on the couch," she heard Genma say. "Don't worry, Soun. She'll be alright in a minute or two."  
"I'm all right, really..." she said again.  
"Baka! You won't be if my father gets ahold of you," Akane said. She grabbed Kasumi's wrist and hauled her up to her feet. *Oh, she's so strong!* Kasumi thought, and then Akane was dragging her through the house, . "What's wrong with you? We don't have time for this! Honestly, you're so dense sometimes! If we don't hurry, we're going to be late! Now, come on, Ranma!"  
"Akane?" Kasumi asked, confused.  
"Don't worry, I've got your books and your lunch. Hurry up! We don't have all day you know!"  
"Akane, wait!"  
"Baka!" Akane shouted, and then she lunged out the door, yanking Kasumi off her feet, and flew through the front gate...  
  


***  
  


Ranma woke to the sound of cicadas and a gentle spring breeze blowing in from the yard. He heard the tinkle of the chimes and the splash of a koi in the pond. Slowly he opened his eyes.  
He was lying in the living room, a towel on his forehead. There was a futon under him, and a blanket pulled up over him. Soun Tendo was kneeling beside him, holding his hand.  
"Thank the heavens you're awake!" Soun said. "Are you all right? How do you feel?"  
"Mr. Tendo?" Ranma asked.  
Soun's face fell as tears came to his eyes. "Wah! My own daughter doesn't remember me! Kasumi!" Ranma watched as the strange man got up and staggered about the room, wailing. Now what?  
He remembered getting dressed, and running down the stairs... *Oh no! Is Kasumi all right? I hope I didn't kill her or nothing!*  
Ranma's father was eating breakfast at the table nearby. Ranma sat up. "Pop?" Ranma asked. "What's up with Mr. Tendo? Is Kasumi okay?"  
Slowly, his father stopped eating. His rice bowl hit the table with a clink.  
"Ranma?"  
"Yeah?" Ranma put his had to his head. "Oh man, my head hurts."  
"Ranma? Is that really you, boy?"  
"Of course it's me! Who the hell do you think it is?" Ranma pulled the blanket back, then looked down. He froze, and his eyes went wide.  
"Pop? I'll probably regret asking this, but... why am I wearing a dress?"  


  
***  


  
Buildings and fences flashed by in a blur. Telephone poles and traffic signs appeared out of nowhere, then disappeared into the distance. As if she were on a carnival ride, Kasumi spun and twisted about, never actually colliding with any of the numerous objects that momentarily lept out at her. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed, flinching. "Oh my! Oh!..."  
People stared as she flew past, and she was unable to do so much as greet them in her usual friendly manner. There, hadn't that blur been Mrs. Ishigawa, on her way to open up her store? And surely _that_ blur was Mr. Ito, out for his morning jog. She'd been meaning to ask him if his poor dog had recovered after that trip to the vet... but she sped on, like a bullet train that could not stop or deviate from it's course.  
Her feet never touched the ground. That was a good thing, because Kasumi didn't have shoes on. She knew that Akane was strong, but to carry Ranma like this... it really amazed her. Ranma was powerfully built; Kasumi would have trouble lifting the boy, let alone carrying him anywhere. But Akane flew along like it was nothing. And really, Kasumi reflected, it was actually kind of fun. This might be her only chance to experience it, since nobody in the household would ever dare drag _Kasumi_ along behind them like this. Father would kill them if they so much as tried.  
She was in Ranma's body, that much was self evident. Oblivious Kasumi might be, but blind she was not. She had no idea how or why, but she accepted it as one of the many weird occurances in her life. Ususally they happened to the others around her, but she was bound to get raked by the claws of fate once in a while. It came with being a martial artist, and while Kasumi had put her martial arts training behind her years ago, she was still surrounded by martial artists. She lived in a dojo, and was well aware of the weirdness that came with the territory (and if she wasn't, then there was always Mrs. Ishigawa and Mrs. Chino and others to remind her... constantly.)  
Yes, Kasumi was the daughter of a martial artist. She'd seen weirdness before, and was prepared to deal with it. Father, and Ranma, and the rest would fix everything eventually. They always did. In the mean time, she would just have to suffer the inconvenience.  
Her biggest concern was that she was being dragged to school, when there was so much to be done at home. Who was going to do the laundry? Who was going to make the beds, and dust, and vacuum? She hadn't even decided yet what they'd be having for dinner, or planned her trip to the market. And poor Ranma! What a horrible shock this must be for him!  
As for being a boy, well... Kasumi wasn't sure how she felt about that. What did it entail, exactly? She wasn't sure she wanted to find out. And Ranma, of all people... if she were going to be a man, then why not father? Now she was engaged to her own sister, and then there were all those other girls to think about!  
An old woman flashed by, tossing water onto the ground. Kasumi felt a cold splash on her face and side, soaking into her sleeve and the front of her shirt. There was a strange tingling all over, but especially centered in the chest and groin. It lasted for just a few seconds, then it was over.  
Well, Kasumi thought, there's one thing I won't have to worry about immediately...  
  


***  


  
Ranma was a girl. That was nothing new, of course; although born male, she was often a girl. This time, however, it was different. Not only was she not just a female version of her male self, she was, in fact, someone else entirely. She was Kasumi Tendo, the oldest of the three Tendo sisters. At least, she was in Kasumi's body.  
She was having a hard time wrapping her mind around the concept. Kasumi was nearly like a mother to her. She cooked, cleaned, and cared for the entire household, and never once complained about it. She seemed to enjoy it, in fact. She was sweet and innocent, a thousand times less devious than her sister Nabiki and a thousand times more feminine than her sister Akane. She was the last person Ranma would want this sort of thing to happen to, and the last person Ranma could imagine herself becoming.  
One thing was for sure. A kettle of hot water wasn't going to get her out of this one. But on the bright side, she was apparently going to completely avoid that big economics test that she'd been dreading.  
She looked up at her father and Mr. Tendo. They were, she supposed, _both_ her father at the moment. Genma was her actual father -- the one who had raised her, at least as far as her _mind_ was concerned. But at the moment, Soun was her _physical_ father. Strange.  
Her head still hurt.  
"What have you done to my poor Kasumi?!?" Mr. Tendo wailed.  
"I didn't do nothin'!" Ranma exclaimed, holding her head. Even to her, the phrase sounded weird, coming as it did in Kasumi's voice. "I mean... I really don't really know, Mr. Tendo," she said. "All I did was bump heads with her..."  
"Kasumi!!! My Kasumi!!!!"  
*Great,* Ranma thought to herself. Mr. Tendo had completely lost it.  
Genma Saotome nodded gravely. "Of course! It all makes sense now!"  
Ranma glanced up. "You got something to say, pop?"  
"It's an ancient martial-arts technique," he said, "spoken of only in legend, and passed down from master to student since the dawn of China's first dynasty. It allows for the transmigration of souls from one body to another... the secret "Monkey Head-Butting" technique, a devestating attack for which there is no counter defense." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I can't tell you how many times I've seen that used to nuetralize an enemy..."  
With practiced ease, Ranma careened a rice bowl off of her father's head. "Give me a break!" she yelled, and that, too, sounded strange in Kasumi's voice. "What kind of a stupid martial arts technique allows you to switch bodies with your enemy?"  
"Only the most deadly technique ever developed," Genma said darkly, rubbing his head. "True, it's a move borne of desperation, but what better way to defeat an opponent of superior strength and speed, but to trade places with him?"  
Soun stepped forward, and in his most serious voice, said, "Saotome, my friend, is this true? Do you know how to restore my daughter to her rightful body?"  
"Don't listen to him, Mr. Tendo! He ain't never heard of no 'Monkey Head-Butting' technique! He's making it up!"  
"Am I, boy?" Genma countered. "Perhaps you'd like a demonstration." He advanced on the woman who looked like Kasumi but spoke like his son. "After I bang heads with you, you'll see exactly what I'm talking about."  
"Saotome, don't be foolish!" Soun grasped Genma's shoulder firmly. "That's my daughter's body you're talking about!"  
"Ah man, I ain't butting heads with no one's body but my own," Ranma said.  


  1. Without warning a giant demonic head that bore a passing resemblance to Soun Tendo lunged at Ranma. It's long tongue flicked in and out, the veins on it's red face bulged, and it's eyes burned like fires of hell. "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BASH HEADS WITH MY KASUMI!!" the demon roared. "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!"  


"Okay! Okay!" Ranma exclaimed, backing away and holding up her hands. "I'm not going to hurt her! Honest!"  
As quickly has it had appeared, the demon head was gone, leaving Mr. Tendo in it's place. He took one look at Ranma and burst into tears.  
"Wah! Look what you've made me do! I'm yelling at my own daughter! Kasumi! Oh, Kasumi!!!!"  
"Jeez," Ranma said under her breath. She put her head in her hands and looked at her father. "Okay, pop. How'm I supposed to get back to my own body without hurting Kasumi?"  
  


***  
  


"You're what? You want to run that by me again?"  
"I told you," the redheaded girl said patiently. "I'm not Ranma, I'm Kasumi. Somehow, we've switched places."  
Akane scowled. Ranma was being an especially big pain today. First he'd made them late, then he'd nearly killed her sister, and now this. "Jeez, Ranma, I know you hit your head a little hard this morning, but snap out of it!"  
"Akane, I know it's a little hard to believe..."  
"Hard to believe? Try impossible!"  
"...but I'm telling you the truth. Why would I lie to you?"  
"As if you need a reason to lie to me, Ranma! Of all the weird stories you've come up with..."  
"Do you remember what mother was wearing the day she died?" the girl asked. Akane opened her mouth, but no sound came out. "It was her favorite dress, remember? The one with the blue trim? The... the one she was buried in?"   
Akane's eyes went wide. "K... Kasumi?"  
The girl, who looked every bit like Ranma, nodded solemnly.  
"Oh my!" Akane said, "Kasumi, what are we going to do? We'd better head back home..."  
"But you and Ranma are late for school," Kasumi said.  
"Kasumi, school can wait! This is serious!"  
"I don't want you missing any more school if you can help it. You've both already missed so much..."  
Akane gritted her teeth. Hearing that tone of voice coming from Ranma was weird... but she knew her sister was right. "That's true... anyway, that stupid principal is only looking for another excuse to nail Ranma..."  
"Akane! Pig-Tailed Girl!" A tall boy in a blue and black samurai outfit was running across the lawn. In one hand he clutched a bokken; in the other was a boquet of red roses wrapped in a ribbon.  
Kasumi's face brightened. "Oh, look! It's one of Ranma's friends!"  
Akane sighed, slipping into a defensive stance. "Kasumi, Ranma doesn't have any friends," she said.  
Kuno headed for the red-haired pig-tailed girl first. Too late, Akane realized the implications of that... it wasn't Ranma by her side, but her sister Kasumi. She growled to herself and stepped forward, but Kuno had already glomped onto Kasumi, one hand placed prominently on her left breast. "Oh my pig-tailed goddess! Say that you'll date with me!"  
There was a movement too fast for the eye to follow, and Kuno was flying through the air away from them. Akane blinked, staring at her sister. "Kasumi?" she asked.  
Kasumi was staring at her fist in confusion. "Did I do that? I hurt Ranma's friend! Oh my!"  
Akane rolled her eyes. It looked like it was going to be an especially long day...  
  


***  


  
With a resounding crack, the heads of the two martial artists came together.  
Genma Saotome and Soun Tendo slumped to the floor, unconscious. Kasumi -- or at least, Ranma, in Kasumi's body -- sat nearby with a disgusted look on her face.  
Several minutes passed, during which the only sounds were the tick of the clock, the soft tinkle of the wind chimes, and the occasional plop as a fish cleared the surface of the pond, then succombed to gravity again.  
Finally Soun groaned, and then Genma sat up. He looked about, blinking, and shoved his glasses back onto his nose. "Did it work?" he asked. He jumped up and assumed a triumphant pose. "Do you see, boy? Here I am in Soun Tendo's body..." he glanced down. "Strange, I didn't think we'd exchange clothing as well..."  
"Aw, man, for a moment I almost _believed_ you..."  
Ranma landed a punch that sent her father flying out into the yard. There was a loud splash, sending droplets of water raining down on the deck like hail. When the air cleared, a panda lay floating in the water.  
Pain shot up Ranma's right arm, and she winced in pain and clutched her right arm to her chest. "Ow! That hurt, damn it!"  
In and instant Soun was by his side, his arms around him, concern in his eyes. "Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?"  
"I'm fine, I'm fine," Ranma said, pushing Soun away. "Geez, Mr. Tendo, don't be grabbing at me like that..."  
Fountains of water gushed from Soun's eyes. "Wah! My own daughter has rejected me!"  
"I'm not your daughter! Jeez, Mr. Tendo, get a grip!"  
Like a dragonfly, Soun darted from overwhelming sorrow to complete seriousness with little warning. "This isn't your body, Ranma," he said in a steady voice. "You need to be careful with it. I don't want you causing damage to my daughter's body while you're in it."  
"Well maybe we should think of a way to get me out of it," Ranma replied.  
The panda lumbered out of the kitchen with a steaming kettle. He poured it over himself, and began to shrink.  
"That's what we're working on, boy," Genma said. "After all, you can't marry Akane and take over the Tendo Dojo if you're Akane's own sister! Perhaps Tofu-Sensei will be able to help, or perhaps the master knows a way. Unfortunately the master's gone for the day, and we can't have you appearing before Tofu-Sensei in that body. For all we know the cure could take days or even weeks. Best to wait until this evening, when Akane and Kasumi return from school, and discuss it then."  
"What? What am I supposed to do in the meantime?" Ranma asked. "I can't go to school like this!"  
"No, I'm afraid you can't," Genma said. "The solution is obvious."  
Soun nodded in agreement. "Until we figure a way to switch you two back, you'll just have to pretend to be each other. Kasumi will take your place, and you will take hers."  
"What do you mean? Are you nuts? I can't be Kasumi!"  
"That's true," Soun responded, "you can't. Nobody can be Kasumi, not really. Nobody could duplicate her perfection, her supreme serenity, her beauty and openness, her careful tending of the household, and her remarkable, upbeat personality. No one, and especially not _you_. No, Ranma, you can only hope to _imitate_ her, in your own, crude way..."  
"Okay, okay, I get the point!" Ranma yelled. "Sheesh! So how am I supposed to do that, exactly?"  
"Well," Genma said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "You can start by washing the breakfast dishes, then going upstairs and making the beds. Then there's laundry to do, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing, moping, shopping, and cooking..."  
"That's _girl's_ work!"  
"Have you looked in a mirror lately, boy?" Genma asked.  
"No way, pop! I am _not _going to be your maid!"  
"Is that how you think of our Kasumi?" Soun growled in warning.  
"No, of course not!" Ranma suddenly grew silent. She held up her hands. "Look... I don't want to be... I'm not..."  
Soun place a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry son, it's not permenant. Just until we find a way to reverse this situation."  
"But... but... what about school?"  
"Kasumi will take your place," Soun said.  
"Look on the bright side, boy," Genma boomed out. "Your grades will be getting a huge boost!"  
"Hey!"  
"Face facts, boy! You're hardly another Einstein. The only thing you've ever had going for you was the skill that I taught you, but with Kasumi's help, you might actually be able to graduate! She'll be doing you a favor!"  
"Why you...!" Ranma lept to her feet, but just as quickly Soun was at her side, with his hands on her shoulders.  
"Ranma, no! I forbid you to place our Kasumi's body in danger! As long as you are in this form, you will refrain from fighting!"  
"I..." Ranma said, and then bowed her head. "Okay, Mr. Tendo. I promise. But," she said, looking up again, "I _can't_ do all of that housewife stuff! I don't even know _how_. It's too much work, I'll mess it all up!"  
"Kasumi does it every day," Soun said. "How difficult can it be?"  
Genma nodded. "It may seem like a lot of work, boy, but compared to martial arts it's really quite easy. I've watched Kasumi do it every day for the last year, and there's really nothing to it."  
"While you just sit there and eat and play shoji? Did you ever offer to help?"  
"What? Foolish boy! That's woman's work!"  
Ranma lept forward again, then stopped herself, remembering Soun's admonitions. Her face contorted in agony. A growling, gurgling sound emerged from her throat: "Aaaaaaaaarghghghgh."   
Tears sprang to Soun Tendo's eyes. "Ranma, please! I can't bear to hear such noises coming from my daughter! Kasumi never sounds _anything_ like that!"  
"Kasumi doesn't have to put up with such abuse from my lame excuse for a father either!" Ranma growled.  
"Never-the-less, you must school yourself. _Think_ as Kasumi would think, _act_ as Kasumi would act. How else can you expect others to believe that you _are_ Kasumi, if you think and act like Ranma Saotome?"  
"Oh man... you mean I not only gotta do all the woman's work around here, and do it without punching anyone out, but I gotta be _nice_ to everyone? I gotta smile and act like nothing's wrong, that I don't really want to pound my father into a bloody pulp?"  
Soun nodded gravely. "It wouldn't hurt if you sang to yourself too. Kasumi has a pleasant voice, you know."  
Ranma slumped back to the floor, her head in her hands. "There's no way, Mr. Tendo. There's no way I can do all of that. Even if I manage to swallow my pride and anger and act like Kasumi, there's still no way I can do all of her work. I don't know what I'm doing... I'll need help."  
"Don't fight us on this one, boy," Genma warned. "This situation is all your fault, after all."  
"The boy does have a point, Genma," Soun said. "He's never done this before; he _could_ use some help."  
"Soun, are you suggesting that we..."  
"I'm afraid so," Soun said. He breathed in deeply, and Ranma tensed. Could it actually be that his father and Mr. Tendo were going to prove useful for once?  
"We..." Soun said, "that is, you and I, Genma, will have to swallow our pride..."  
"...to put aside our manly, macho ways..." Genma added.  
"...to bow to the inevitable," Soun said, "and... and... call Nadoka."  
Ranma fell to the floor, stunned. Genma beamed. "My thoughts exactly, Tendo!" he exclaimed. "An excellent suggestion! If we do it right now, we may still have time to get in our usual games of shogi!"  
  


***  


  
"My, now wasn't that fun?"  
Akane stared open-mouthed at her sister. "Kasumi? Hello? That was a mid-term test in Economics! I've been studying for it all week, and while I'm sure I did pretty good, _nobody _in this room would describe it as 'fun'! Are you feeling all right?"  
Kasumi smiled sweetly. "Don't be silly, Akane! Those questions were really quite easy! It was hardly as difficult as trying to plan meals for seven on as limited a budget as I normally have! Are you sure you're not exaggerating just a little?"  
A huge sweatdrop appeared at Akane's brow. "Uh... nevermind then, sis. You're really something else, you know that?" She looked her sister over... her sister, who, at the moment, was in Ranma's body. "You know, sis, Ranma doesn't usually attend class as a girl. Don't you think you should find hot water and change back? People might start thinking weird things about Ranma..." *As if they don't already,* she thought to herself.  
Kasumi placed her hand to her cheek. "Oh, I thought about that, Akane, but I really don't think I'd feel comfortable... you don't really think Ranma will mind, do you? If I'm going to be in his body, I'd just as soon remain a girl for now..."  
Akane nodded in sympathy. "That's okay, Kasumi," she said. "I guess Ranma would understand... I _hope_ he'd understand. I can't really blame you."  
"Oh good!" Kasumi smiled again. Akane was really having a hard time seeing that sweet, innocent, friendly smile on the face of her stupid, arrogant fiance. It just wasn't natural.  
Kasumi stood up. "Oh, look!" she said. "Nabiki is talking to that poor boy I hit this morning! I should probably go over and apologize!"  
"I don't think that's necessary..." Akane began, but by that point she was talking to empty air. "Well," she said to herself, "this day ought to be interesting, if nothing else..."  
  
Kasumi was in the middle of her daily bargaining session with Kuno, and had just produced her latest selection of wares when the photos were yanked from her hand. She glanced over her shoulder to see Ranma staring at the photos, eyes wide.  
"Ranma," Nabiki said, "this is a private transaction that doesn't concern you. So if you'd be so kind, please butt out."  
"Oh, my!" Ranma exclaimed, putting her hand to her mouth. She glanced up, her eyes burning furiously. "Nabiki Tendo! If your mother knew you were selling photos of your own sister like this... why, I don't know what she'd do! She's probably turning over in her grave right now! Have you no shame?"  
Nabiki opened her mouth to reply, then closed it again, speechless. That... that was absolutely the last thing she'd expected to hear Ranma say. What's more, it struck home. Ranma was absolutely right; her mother would almost certainly not approve. More than that, though, was the tone of voice, which sounded nothing like Ranma Saotome, and everything like another person in Nabiki's life...  
"Pig-Tailed Girl! At last you've come to accept my offerings of love!"  
Kuno started to get up. Nabiki slammed a book down over his head, and he slumped back into his chair. "Sorry, Kuno-baby," she said. "This is important."  
"Nabiki? Are you listening to me?"  
Nabiki's eyes narrowed as she turned back to the person who looked for all the world like Ranma Saotome. She'd been wondering all morning why he was still in his girl form, but now...  
"Yes, Kasumi?" she asked.  
"I want you to apologize to Akane right now!"  
Nabiki nodded meekly, got up, and headed towards Akane, all under the watchful eyes of Ranma. But it wasn't Ranma after all, was it? Nabiki laughed softly to herself. This, she sensed, was a huge opportunity in the making.  
  


***  


  
"Man, I never knew cleaning a house could be so much work!" Ranma sat back, studying the newly-scrubbed floor. "What do I gotta do next?"  
Nodoka smiled at her son... her son, who sometimes was her daughter, her son, who was currently in the body of Kasumi. It was a little hard to imagine, but since she'd been reunited with her husband and her son she'd begun to learn that being a martial artist meant all sorts of things she'd never initially considered. There were ancient curses, powerful spells and pressure-point lore, rivals and enemies, and all sorts of odd things to consider. Things like a spell or curse or technique that had somehow swapped Ranma and Kasumi's minds and souls.  
There was a way to reverse it, she was certain, and it would be discovered, she would make sure of that. But, for the moment, her son had become the temporary caretaker of the Tendo household, and he needed her help. And, strange as the situation was, she was actually enjoying the chance to get a little closer to her son. She was even a little hopeful that it would last more than a day or two; there were many things that Ranma had yet to learn about being a man, things that his father had been unable to teach him, and she had been waiting for opportunities to fill in the gaps in her son's teaching. One such opportunity was now at hand, and with any luck, Ranma would come out of this situation a little wiser.  
"Well," Nodoka said, "we've managed most of the morning chores. Now's a good time to plan lunch and dinner and then make a trip to the market for supplies. Lunch will have to be a little late, since we're a bit behind schedule; I came as soon as I could, but we got a late start and we've gone rather slow... then, in the afternoon, we can get to the laundry and the dusting, before we start preparing dinner..."  
Ranma nodded tiredly. "Okay, mom. I'll be with you in just a minute." She headed down the hallway towards the toilet.  
  
Soun rose up before Ranma, blocking his path.   
"Son, where do you think you're going?" he said.  
"Mr. Tendo? I just need to use the toilet..."  
Soun shook his head. "I'm sorry, son, but I can't let you go in there. I must protect my daughter's body from those hands of yours."  
"What the hell are you talking about, Mr. Tendo?" Ranma yelled. "These are Kasumi's hands! I'm in Kasumi's body, remember? Besides, I've been a girl before, right? And no matter what body I'm in, this is not something that I can simply put off! Now step aside!"  
Soun's face fell. "I... I'm sorry, Ranma, I just... this is so hard for me to get used to..."  
"Well that makes two of us. Maybe you could stop playing shogi long enough to figure a way to switch us back..."  
Ranma shoved past Soun and into the restroom, slamming the door behind her.  
  


***  
  


At Furinkan High School, piercing screams were emanating from a very different restroom. This one was public, and was intended for women only.  
"Get out of here, you pervert!"  
"KIYAAAA! Hentai! Get out!"  
Kasumi ran out of the restroom. Bars of soap followed her, bouncing off of her head. She winced, then spun about, realizing that a crowd had gathered, and that they were all staring at her.  
Akane stepped out of the crowd, grabbed her by the elbow, and drug her around the corner. "Kasumi? Are you okay?"  
"Akane, what did I do? I just wanted to use the facilities..."  
"You're Ranma, remember? Even if you're in his girl-form, everyone here at school knows he's a guy! You can't just walk into the girl's toilet or the girl's locker!"  
A troubled look passed over Kasumi's face. "I... I see. But Akane, I don't think I can face entering the boy's restroom! I'll die of embarassment!"  
Akane sighed. "It's okay, sis. Look, remember when Ranma was trapped as a girl by Cologne and her cat-tongue pressure point? That lasted for more than a month, right? He couldn't use the guy's or the girl's toilets, and he couldn't change in either the guy's or the girl's locker rooms. He had to use the toilet in the nurse's station; it's private and there's a lock on the inside. I'll show you where it is. Okay?"  
Kasumi nodded. "Thank goodness!" she exclaimed. "Thanks very much, Akane, I appreciate it. I guess I just never realized quite how complicated poor Ranma's life was."  
"You have no idea," Akane muttered under her breath.  


  
***  


  
Passing by the stairwell, Nodoka bent down to pick up the object that had caught her eye. It was a metal broach of some sort, depicting a strange, comical monkey's head. It was very dirty.  
*Where did this come from?* she wondered. *Who could have dropped such an odd piece of jewelry?*  
She carried it into the kitchen, where Kasumi -- no, that was Ranma, she reminded herself -- was busy chopping vegetables. She went to the sink and washed the strange broach with soap and water. When she was satisfied that most of the dirt had been removed, she set it on the windowsill to dry.  
*Eventually someone will come looking for it,* she thought. *Until then, it can rest here, out of the way.*  


  
***  


  
Doctor Tofu finished bandaging the cut on Kasumi's forehead, then sat back and eyed the results critically.  
"You really ought to be more careful, Ranma," he said sternly. "Just because you're a highly trained martial artist is no reason to be careless. You can't be expected to dodge everything that comes your way, can you?"  
"I... I guess not," Kasumi said. She glanced over to Akane, who was waiting patiently in the corner.  
"Now, then," Doctor Tofu said. "I notice you're not yourself at the moment. Would you like me to heat up some water for you?"  
"No, thank you," Kasumi said. "I think I'll be fine as a girl for now."  
"Actually, Tofu-Sensei," Akane said, "we had a question for you."  
"Yes, Akane?"  
"Have you ever heard of two people being able to switch bodies, either on accident or on purpose?"  
Doctor Tofu frowned. "Why do you want to know?" he asked.  
"Um... no reason in particular... we were just wondering about it, and thought you might know the answer."  
Doctor Tofu nodded thoughtfully. "Well, there are several different legends that involve mind or soul transferance. I'd have to consult my books before I could give you any definate answers, but yes, I've read about such things before."  
"Really? Do you... do you think you could look into it for us? We'd really like to know how it's done, and how to reverse it."  
Doctor Tofu nodded. "Certainly, Akane, I can do that. But is there something you want to tell me? Someone who's in trouble, perhaps?"  
"Perhaps," Akane said, "but it's best if we don't tell you the specific details just yet. okay?"  
  
As Kasumi and Akane stepped out of the Doctor's office and headed up the street, Kasumi frowned. "Akane, what do you think is wrong with Tofu-Sensei? He's usually so funny, always clowning around. I've never seen him so serious before! I'm worried!"  
Akane rolled her eyes. "Kasumi, sometimes I think you're the most dense person I've ever met."  
"What do you mean by that, exactly?"  
"I've told you before, Tofu-Sensei can be a very different person when you're not around."  
Kasumi nodded. "I remember you saying that, although I was never sure I believed it. But I was right there!"  
"No, you weren't. _Ranma_ was right there. You're Ranma, remember?"  
"Oh. I'd forgotten already."  
"Tofu-Sensei doesn't 'clown around', as you put it, for Ranma or I. He only does that for you."  
"How... how very odd," Kasumi said thoughtfully. "I wonder why that is? He must see something in me that he doesn't see in you or Ranma..."  
"I'd certainly say so," Akane agreed. They walked on for a moment in silence.  
"Maybe he thinks I need cheering up," Kasumi finally said. "Do you suppose that's it, Akane? Maybe I'm too serious around him. Maybe I don't smile enough."  
Akane sighed as a huge sweatdrop appeared on her head. "I don't know, Kasumi, I... I guess that's one possibility..."  


  
***  


  
Ranma and Kasumi stood facing each other, with the entire household gathered around them. Dinner had not yet been set, but the two had decided that now was as good a time as any to try and end this strange turn of events.  
"Father," Kasumi said, "I know you're trying to protect me, but really, it's all right. If bumping heads is the only way for Ranma and I to get back to our own bodies, then I'm quite willing to endure a lump on the head."  
"But Kasumi!" her father pleaded, "Saotome and I have already tried it, and it didn't work! Please wait until we can consult with the master or see what Tofu-Sensei discovers!"  
Kasumi shook her head. "Father, there's probably a reason why it didn't work with you and Mr. Saotome. Both of you are older, and both of you are male. Although young, Ranma is able to direct his ki in ways that neither of you can. On the other hand, I'm really not a martial artist at all, unlike the two of you. Don't you see? We don't know why, but it's already happened to Ranma and I once, so there's a chance it will work again. I'd just as soon go to sleep tonight back in my own body, if that's possible, so please don't argue with me, or scold Ranma. It's our decision to do this."  
Ranma nodded in agreement. It was creeping her out, watching her body move and talk from a few feet away. She wanted to be back in her own body as quickly as possible, and out of Kasumi's body permenantly. Not that there was anything wrong with her body particularly... but after all, it belonged to Kasumi. People shouldn't be allowed to trade bodies like this -- it wasn't natural.  
"I'm ready anytime you are, Kasumi," she said.  
Kasumi nodded. "I'm ready too, Ranma. The sooner this is over, the better."  
"Okay, then. Brace yourself."  
"Wah! I can't bear to watch!" Soun cried as he fled from the room. The rest of the household... Akane, Nabiki, Genma, and also Nodoka -- held their breath.  
Ranma stood with her feet apart, poised to attack. Kasumi stood with her feet together, eyes closed, hands folded in front of her. Ranma breathed in and out slowly, centering her ki. It wasn't easy to purposefully smash one's head into another's... your instinct was to flinch, or to pull back. But they'd hit each other pretty hard this morning, and Ranma was assuming that an equal force was needed to switch them back.  
Finally, without warning, she lunged. Their heads came together with a resounding crack, and then there were stars, and darkness.  
When Ranma opened her eyes, Soun and Akane were leaning over her with concern on their faces.  
"Did it work?" she asked.  
"Kasumi?" Soun said, grabbing her hand, and Ranma's heart sank. "Is that you, Kasumi?"  
"No, Mr. Tendo..." Ranma said, "I'm not Kasumi..."  


  
***  



	2. Monkey Headbutting Chapter 2

  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting  
Part Two  


  
Dinner passed quietly. Ranma's head pounded, as did Kasumi's. Afterwards, Kasumi and Ranma began gathering the dishes simultaneously.  
"Don't worry about the dishes, you two," Nodoka said. "You two go lay down. I'll take care of them." She shot a glance at her husband, still patting his stomach. "Genma?"  
"Hmmm?"  
"You can help me by drying," she said. It wasn't a request.  
  
Ranma headed up the stairs to her room. She slid the door aside, then paused.  
If she was in Kasumi's body, then perhaps she was supposed to lied down in Kasumi's room? She frowned, wondering exactly how arrangements were supposed to work under the current circumstances.  
She glanced down at herself, at the yellow blouse, the long brown skirt, and the white apron. Ranma sighed. Well, there was one thing she certainly wanted to do, and she couldn't do it here in the room she shared with her father. She began undoing the apron as she headed for Kasumi's room.  
Ranma dug through Kasumi's closet, muttering to herself. "No. Nope. No way. No. No. No." Finally she sat down on Kasumi's bed, frustrated. "Doesn't she have anything besides dresses and skirts?"  
"I'm afraid not," said a voice from the doorway.  
"Nabiki?" Ranma said, looking up.  
"Pants have never been my sister's style," the middle sister said. She looked Ranma over with a critical eye. "My, my, Ranma, that really _is_ you, isn't it? You've never looked so... domestic."  
"Nabiki, can I borrow some of your..."  
"Not on your life, Ranma-baby. My clothes don't really fit my sister well, and besides, she would never be caught dead wearing them. You're supposed to _be_ Kasumi, remember? You have to dress the way she'd dress. Something practical, and pretty, but not trendy or stylish."  
"Maybe something of Akane's..."  
"Ranma, if my clothes don't fit Kasumi, then obviously Akane's aren't going to fit. Right?"  
"But how can I practice my kata in a full-length skirt?"  
"Kasumi doesn't practice," Nabiki said. "That's her body, so you don't need to practice, either. It's not like you're going to get _out_ of practice."  
"Yes, but..."  
"Oh for heaven's sake, Ranma, grow up! Girls wear dresses all the time."  
"I'm not a girl!"  
"Oh? I think you'll find that my sister doesn't change with the temperature of the water."  
Ranma looked dejected and forlorn. Nabiki smiled to herself, then let out an audible sigh. "Look, Ranma, I'll do you a favor. Tomorrow I'll take you shopping, okay? You can buy something more to your liking. It still has to be something that Kasumi would wear, but it doesn't have to be a dress."  
"Thanks, Nabiki, I..." Ranma paused, suddenly wondering why Nabiki was being nice. She sensed a trap, but couldn't quite figure out what it was. "I... I'd like that," she finished. What was the worst that could happen? Nabiki couldn't force her to buy anything she didn't want to buy, and after all, it had to be something _Kasumi_ would wear. That ruled out a lot of the more embarassing options.  
  


***  


  
Kasumi followed Akane up the stairs and down the hall.  
"Akane, would you mind if I borrowed one of your dresses? I know Ranma doesn't wear them, but I've never been that comfortable wearing pants, and my own clothes aren't going to fit Ranchan's body..."  
"Uh, sure," Akane said. She lead the way into her room, and then came to a complete stop, staring at her bed.  
"Oh, my!" Kasumi said, putting her hand to her mouth.  
"Well," Akane said, clenching and unclenching her fists. "If I didn't believe you before, then I guess I'd have to believe you now. What an idiot! Doesn't he even know how to make up a bed correctly?"  
Kasumi automatically stepped forward and pulled the covers on Akane's bed down. "Don't worry, Akane," she said. "You can't really blame him. He grew up wandering everywhere with his father; he's probably never slept in an actual bed in his life. You just find something in your closet that you don't mind letting me wear, and I'll have this fixed up in no time at all."  
"Um... okay," Akane said. She watched the young, red-haired girl expertly fold, tuck, and turn down the sheets, just as she'd watched Kasumi do it so many times before. Seeing _Ranma _doing the same thing, moving the same way, with the same movements, _exaclty_ as Kasumi did it, spooked her. It was confusing, and disturbing, in ways that she couldn't even name.  
She turned to the closet and began looking through her clothes for something that would suit Kasumi. It wasn't really difficult. Before Ranma had shown up, Akane had spent a lot of her time trying to look and act as much like her older sister as possible, in the mistaken assumption that Dr. Tofu might eventually notice her. There were several outfits that she had just about _never_ worn since then. She located one, pulled it out, and handed it to the patiently waiting pig-tailed girl.  
"Oh, Akane, I'd almost forgotten you had this dress!" Kasumi said, taking it in her hands. "It's so lovely! Why haven't you worn it lately?"  
"It's hard to say," Akane said, laughing nervously. "I... I guess I just got tired of it!"  
"Thank you so much!" Kasumi held the dress up against her body -- against Ranchan's body -- and sighed contentedly. Akane grimaced. If her sister and her gender-swapping, rude, so-called fiance didn't switch back soon, she didn't know how she was going to keep her sanity.  
Kasumi looked up. "I guess I'll need underwear too," she said, "and socks, and shoes... a whole outfit."  
"Ah... sure, sis, no problem," Akane said. She gathered the rest of the items together and handed them over. Kasumi started towards the door, then stopped. "Would you mind if I changed here, Akane?"  
A large sweatdrop appeared on Akane's head. "Uh... actually..."  
"It's just that, I think Ranma's in my room at the moment, and I'm not sure I should change in Ranma's room. What if Mr. Saotome walked in while I was changing?"  
Akane sighed. "Okay sis, no problem. I'll just step outside..."  
"You don't have to do that!"  
"Actually, sis, I do. You see, whether you're my sister or not, that's _Ranma's _body that you've got. I just wouldn't feel comfortable."  
Kasumi nodded, then sighed. "Okay, Akane. I guess I understand. I just hope father can think of a way to get me and Ranma back in our own bodies soon!"  
  


***  


  
Ranma set the basket down in the grass and began pulling wet clothing from it. She hummed to herself, not because she felt like doing it, but because Soun had stressed the need to do everything as Kasumi would do it, and she was well aware how often Kasumi sang or hummed to herself while doing domestic chores. She didn't really know any of the actual songs that Kasumi normally sang, so she just picked a song at random from those her father had taught her in her youth. It was true that most of them involved battles, and honour, and people dying, but so long as he didn't sing the words she assumed she'd be okay.  
*Imagine,* she thought. *Here I am, Ranma Saotome, martial artist and all-around handsome guy, hanging laundry.* It was all here: shirts, dresses, pants, skirts, underwear. Especially underwear. She held up a bra, a sudden doubt forming in her mind. *Who's is this? Akane's? Nabiki's? Nabiki's bras would be more sexy, wouldn't they? Is it... _mine_... then? That is, one that Kasumi normally wears?*  
*Where's the freak when you really need him?* Ranma thought to herself. _He_ would know. *Not that I want him around... but it's going to be pretty embarassing if I have to ask who's underwear is who's. Akane would punch me. Nabiki would charge me some sort of stupid fee...*  
As for Kasumi... well, Ranma was already pretty embarassed about the position she'd placed Kasumi in. No need to become more embarassed, she thought, clipping the bra to the line.  
And this would be my dad's underwear, she thought, hanging another item. Lovely. No problem identifying _that_. Jeez, how many holes did there have to be before the old man finally bought something new?  
*I can't believe I'm actually doing this,* she thought. I hope no one sees me. Oh man, what if Ryoga or Ukyou or one of the guys from school were to show up now? What if they find out?*  
Sweatdrops appeared on her head as she considered the possibilities, and she had to school her mind. *There's nothing strange about Kasumi hanging underwear out to dry. It's something she does every day. I look just like Kasumi, don't I? I'm dressed like her, I have her hair, her face, her whole _body_, how can I _not_ look like Kasumi? There's no way that anyone could know that it's really me, _Ranma Saotome, _who is, at this moment, standing in the yard, holding up a pair of Akane's panties...*  
"Hey Kasumi! How's it going?"  
"Hi Kasumi! Is Ranma around?"  
Ranma froze. She glanced over her shoulder and saw Hiroshi and Daisuke, two friends from school. Instinctively her hands snapped down to her side, hiding the panties from their view.  
Trying to emty her head of thought, she gave a big smile. "Oh, hello! You're Ranma's friends, right?"  
"Yes, ma'am. Is he in?"  
"I..." she paused, considering the dangers if these two were around her or Kasumi for any length of time. "Oh, he's not available right now, sorry. I'll tell him you were here, though."  
"Sis, what ever are you talking about?" Nabiki stepped out from the shadows. "Boys, Ranma's out by the koi pond. He's just doing some yard work; I'm sure he'll be happy to see you."  
"Thanks, Nabiki," the two said, as they headed around the side of the house. Ranma took two steps after them, intending to head them off somehow, but Nabiki stepped in front of her.  
"_Sister dear,_" Nabiki said with emphasis, "remember to please to hang my white blouse as _soon _as possible. I don't want it to become too wrinkled; it's so much harder to iron out then."  
"Just a moment," Ranma said, trying to sidestep her. Again Nabiki blocked her path.  
"Right now, sis. I insist."  
Ranma growled. "What are you up to, Nabiki?"  
"Why nothing, Kasumi dear. By the way, isn't it time for your bath? Remember, sister dear, you always take yours early, so that the bath will be free when all the martial artists are done sparring."  
Ranma growled again, and turned back to the clothesline. This had already become one of the worst days of her life, and if Nabiki got involved then it would invariably grow worse. She had to find a way to get back into her own body quick!  
  


***  


  
Hitoshi and Daisuke found Ranma raking the leaves from the yard which bordered the pond. They were surprised to find that, not only was she _still_ a girl, as she'd been for the entire day at school, but she was now wearing a pretty yellow dress with a white blouse and apron. What's more, her hair, always done up in a pig-tail, was now brushed out and pulled back in a simple pony-tail.  
The two exchanged glances. Was Ranma feeling okay?  
"Oh, hello!" Ranma said, looking up. She greeted them with a dazzling, beautiful smile. "How are you two doing this evening?"  
"Uh... fine," Hitoshi said.  
"We were going to see a movie," Daisuke added, "and we were wondering if you or Akane wanted to come with us."  
The red-haired girl smiled sweetly. "Oh, how nice of you! Akane's not here right now, and as for me... why ask me? Don't you think that Ranma..."  
"Don't they think," Nabiki interrupted quicky, stepping into view, "that _you, Ranma_ have too much to do? Everyone knows how much work you put into your kata, _Ranma_. Luckily for your friends here, you've already finished your workouts, haven't you _Ranma_?"  
Hiroshi and Daisuke exchanged glances again.  
Kasumi's eyes widened. "Oh my! That's right!" She put a hand to her mouth then looked back at the two boys and smiled again. "Well, I don't know. It sounds like fun, but there's so much work I need to do..."  
"Don't be stupid, Ranma," Nabiki said. "You go along with your friends and have a good time. I'm sure that _Kasumi _can handle the household chores without you."  
"Of... of course," Kasumi said doubtfully. She undid her apron and glanced down at the dress she was wearing. "Do you think that what I'm wearing is...?"  
"It's just fine, Ranma. She looks nice, doesn't she, boys?"  
"Oh, yes," Hiroshi said.  
"Most definately," Daisuke added. "You look really nice, Ranma. You should dress that way more often."  
"I don't think..." Kasumi said, but suddenly Nabiki was pushing her towards the front gate.  
"It's okay, _Ranma_," she said. She produced an object from nowhere and shoved it into Kasumi's hands. "Here, you wouldn't want to forget your purse, would you? Now run along with your friends and have fun, okay? And don't stay up too late!"  
Moments later Kasumi stood ouside the gates with Ranma's two schoolmates. "My," she said. "Well." She slipped her purse over her shoulder. "A movie, you said? What sort of movie is it?"  
"Martial arts, of course," Hiroshi said. "Jet Li's latest. We wouldn't think of inviting you otherwise."  
"We hear it's really violent," Daisuke added. "It should be a blast!"  
"Oh," Kasumi said. "Well, then... that's... okay... I guess..."  
  


***  


  
Akane slid the door aside and stepped in, a white towel held against her naked body. Steam filled the room, and with the lights turned off, there was only the hazy moonlight from the window to see by. She heard water sloshing about in the tub, and she froze, peering at the shadowy form in the mist, just a few feet away.  
"Akane! I'm sorry, I forgot the sign! Don't come in!"  
The voice was that of her sister, Kasumi, but of course she knew that it was really Ranma. Her face flushed with embarassment and anger, and she stepped back out and shut the door quickly.  
"I'm sorry, Akane!" Ranma called out. "I'll let you know when I'm done, okay?"  
Akane stared at the door, her mind in a swirl. This was so very like the first time she'd met Ranma, the first time she'd encountered him when he was a man. She'd walked in on him, and they'd both seen each other, naked. She'd been furious. But over time she'd come to see it differently. She loved Ranma, and she strongly suspected that he loved her, although neither was willing to come out and say it. Yet now it seemed to her somehow appropriate that they'd first met like that, that the boy she would apparently marry -- if their parents had anything to say about it, at least -- was also the only one who'd ever seen her so.  
Ranma had been a girl so often, he invariably treated girls differently. Despite his machismo, his rude behavior, and his feigned ignorance, Ranma was one of the few boys her age she'd ever met who looked into her eyes when he talked to her, rather than down at her breasts. She'd thought about that, too, and it had not bothered her so much that Ranma had been the one. Not that she was ready to strip in front of him just yet, but she knew that if and when they were married, it would be different, and she was almost comfortable with that thought.  
Memories came swirling up from her past, of when she was younger and had routinely taken her baths with her older sister. They were warm and relaxing memories, comforting memories. And, just as she was uncomfortable with Kasumi undressing in front of her earlier, because she _looked_ like Ranma, Akane now realized that she wasn't really embarassed to appear naked in front of Ranma, as long as he _looked_ like her sister Kasumi.  
Was she that bold?  
"Hmmm..." Akane looked again at the door, momentarily indecisive, and then shrugged her shoulders. After all, the room was so full of steam, it wasn't like you could see very much. Sliding the door open again, she stepped inside. She could feel her heart beating against her chest.  
"Akane?" Ranma called out. It sounded so much like her sister...  
"Do you mind, Ranma?" Akane asked. "I don't want to wait, and I've bathed with my sister hundreds of times, and really, you're _her_, at least, physically... so if you don't mind..."  
"Um... no, I guess not..." Ranma replied. staring at the wall. Akane smiled to herself. Ranma, chivalrous? Imagine!  
"Besides," she said, quickly soaping up her body, "this way, I can assure father that you're not playing around in here with his precious daughter's body."  
"Akane!" Ranma exclaimed.  
"I'm joking, I'm joking!" She said. She washed off, her hands shaking just a little. She was excited, and scared, and forced herself to breathe slowly and calm down. After all, this was her sister, right? Essentially, anyway. It wasn't like anything could really happen between them... but knowing that it was also Ranma sent a little thrill through her.  
She slipped into the far side of the bath and slid down until the water reached her chin. "Sort of, anyway. This whole thing has really got dad on edge."  
"Well, it's no picnic for me either," Ranma groused.  
"Oh, please!" Akane splashed water Ranma's way. "It's not like you've never been female before! And I think you passed that economics test with flying colors!"  
Ranma's face twisted up. It sent a shiver down Akane's spine, seeing such odd expressions on her sister's face. "This is different," Ranma said. "it's demeaning. People treat me like the house maid, and I don't even get any of the respect that Kasumi gets for doing the same things..."  
"She's just a _little_ better than you, you know," Akane said, remembering her bed.  
"Well of course. But that's not it... it's just... everything's so different. I'm not strong anymore. I can hardly perform half the kata I normally do every morning. And look at you, sitting here with me... you'd _never_ do at any other time."  
Akane was begining to wonder if this had been such a good idea. "Well," she said, "if we were to get... you know..."  
"I know, I know," Ranma said. "But we've never done this before, and we wouldn't be doing it now, except... except... I'm not just in my girl form anymore. I'm Kasumi. I mean, what am I going to do if I... if we never find out how to..." tears were streaming down her face.  
"Don't worry, Ranma," Akane said with a confidence she didn't really feel. "I'm sure they'll figure it out. Tofu-Sensei's doing some research. In any case, you know Daddy won't give up until he solves this, if only for Kasumi's sake."  
"This is worse..." Ranma said, "than anything else that's happened to me."  
"Don't talk like that, Ranma," Akane said, growing a little angry. "It's not like being my sister is the end of the world. I mean, she's managed just find up 'til now. Besides, you're not the sort of person who ever gives up hope. Things will work out, and even if they don't... well, they just will, that's all.  
"Anyway, before you drown in your own self-pity, think of what Kasumi must be going through."  
"It's just about all I _can_ think about," Ranma replied. "I mean, when it comes down to it, my being Kasumi mostly means I'm stuck as a girl and I have to deal with the endless drudgery of housework, but if I _were_ a girl, and I didn't mind housework, it wouldn't be so bad at all. Kasumi, on the other hand, has to deal with my mess of a life. She's neither male nor female, she has a pathetic exscuse for a father, she has more enemies and more... um, 'relationship problems'... than any one person could possibly deserve, especially her. And she doesn't even have all of my martial arts training to protect herself with."  
Akane thought back to the scene before the school that morning with Kuno. "I'm not too sure about that," she said. "Kasumi's had martial arts training. So has Nabiki. I'm just the only one that continued on with it. But her training, combined with your own body's reflexes, might be enough... as long as she doesn't actually get into a fight with Ryoga, or Mousse, or Kodachi..."  
"I really don't see how she could avoid it," Ranma said morosely.  
Akane said nothing. She sat, watching the steam rise, letting the heat soak into her body. *Ranma's right,* she realized. *The longer this goes on, the more certain it is that Kasumi's going to wind up in a fight where she's way outclassed.*  
"I'll have to watch over her," Akane said. "Until this is over, I'll have to protect her."  
"Akane, if it's Ryoga or Mouse that she faces..."  
"I know, I know, I'm not as good as them. But since you've been training me, I've gotten a lot better. I'll just have to do my best, that's all, and avoid any serious confrontations if we can possibly manage it."  
"If only you could master the Chestnut Fist..." Ranma said.  
"I know," Akane said, frowning. She'd been practicing that one for months, but it was just out of her reach. She was strong... _really_ strong, when she focused all of her energy... but she simply didn't have the kind of speed Ranma had. The Chestnut Fist might be something she'd never be able to master.  
"Well," Ranma said, "anyway, I guess this means that we're no longer engaged... for the moment, at least..."  
Akane stared through the steam at her sister's face... at Ranma. Did she look sad, or just relieved? It was impossible to tell.  
  


***  


  
"Well, that movie was... interesting..." Kasumi managed to say.  
The two boys seated across from her in the booth exchanged glances. They'd been doing that all evening, and she wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Did they normally act that way? Kasumi didn't know. She didn't see these two particular boys around the dojo as often as Ranma's other friends, but they seemed nice enough. She'd been with them all evening, and they hadn't shown the slightest inclination to rip up any telephone poles or smash any walls, which was refreshing. *I never knew Ranma had such friends.*  
They were seated in a local ice cream parlor. The two had insisted on treating her, despite her protests. Kasumi knew how much Ranma liked ice cream, so she guessed this was something that he normally did, although it did seem a little odd, her eating while they watched.  
"You really ought to consider it," Hitoshi was saying. "I mean, unless wearing a dress makes you uncomfortable..."  
"What?" Kasumi said. "Of course it doesn't, don't be silly! Why would it... I mean..."  
"Then," Daisuke said, "there's nothing to prevent you from wearing them more often, is there?"  
"You could wear a girl's dress uniform at school," Hitoshi said. "That wouldn't be so bad, would it?"  
"I'm not sure that would be a good idea..." Kasumi said.  
"Don't worry!" Hitoshi said. "We wouldn't mind, Ranma. Really."  
"Not at all," Daisuke chimed in. "We're right behind you, Ranma!"  
"That's right," Hitoshi said. "We support you in this decision all the way. What are friends for?"  
Kasumi felt the conversation spinning out of her control, and decided to retreat and regroup. "I... um... I have to use the restroom," Kasumi said. "If you'll excuse me..."  
"Go right ahead," Daisuke replied. "We're not going anywhere."  
  
The two friends watched as their schoolmate crossed the floor. They both nodded as the door closed behind her.  
"Straight into the women's restroom," Daisuke said.  
"No hesitation," Hitoshi agreed. "She didn't bat an eye."  
"I'm telling you, Ranma's never acted more feminine in his life."  
"Tonight's a speical night, Daisuke. Very special."  
"Definately. It's almost like being on a date, only..."  
"Only, really we're just hanging out with the guys," Hitoshi said.  
"Exactly. Noriko has nothing to get jealous about."  
"Shigeko can't complain either. It's only Ranma, after all."  
"It's not like you're cheating on her or anything."  
"Not at all."  
"It's the best of both worlds, isn't it?"  
"Definately. You don't even have to worry about jealous boyfriends. Ranma doesn't have any."  
"Unless you count Kuno."  
Hitoshi's face fell. "That's right. I forgot about Kuno."  
"Well, what he doesn't know..." Daisuke suggested.  
Hitoshi nodded his head vigorously. "Exactly! What he doesn't know..."  
A shadow fell across the table. The two looked up into the intense eyes of a man who was just this side of not quite sane. He wore a samurai's outfit, blue with black, and casually balanced a bokken over his shoulder.  
"Pray thee, did I perchance to hear my name on your lips?" Kuno asked suspiciously, staring at the two.  
"What?" Hitoshi said. "No, not at all!"  
"Definately not," Daisuke chimed in.  
"Foolish knaves!" Kuno's bokken swung around to point directly at them. "Tell me why you have chosen to slander the good name of Tatewate Kuno!"  
  
Kasumi straightened her dress and checked herself in the mirror.  
She'd have to go out there and straighten things out with those two boys somehow. Really, if it came to it, Kasumi would just as soon attend school in her old dress uniform... she still had the one from three years ago, and was pretty sure it would fit Ranmachan's body... but what would that do to poor Ranma? Here she was, spending the evening with two of his best friends, and she was wearing a dress. Poor Ranma! She was going to cause him all sorts of problems if she didn't get ahold of herself.  
She smiled at the reflection in the mirror, liking what she saw. *Well,* she thought, *it's not as if Ranma hasn't worn a dress before. She looks so lovely in one... when it comes right down to it, if he's going to be a girl part of the time, then why shouldn't he dress like a girl? It stands to reason. She's really so very pretty...*  
Kasumi smiled at her reflection and walked out of the restroom.  
  
"Pig-tailed girl!" A voice cried out. Kasumi looked up to see someone dressed in a samurai outfit running at her from across the parlor. He fell to one knee at her feet and grasped her hand. From seemingly nowhere he produced a boquet of deep red roses and offered them to her. "Lo, how your hair, unfettered at last, outshines the noonday sun! How fortuitous that we should meet thus! But then, "Journeys end in loved ones meeting." So it shall be! You must date with me! Say yes! I will not accept no as an answer!"  
"Oh!" Kasumi said, looking down at the tall and rather handsome young boy kneeling before her. "Oh, my! Aren't you the boy I hit..." she paused, her hand to her mouth, looking guilty.  
  
Across the parlor, Daisuke and Hitoshi looked on.  
"Thank the gods," Hitoshi said. "One moment more and we would have been pounded into the ground."  
"Perfect timing on Ranma's part, as ususal," Daisuke agreed.  
"Look at that! A boquet of roses! I'll never understand how he does that!"  
"Gotta be some special martial arts trick," Daisuke said.  
Hitoshi nodded. "Martial arts are a wondrous thing, my friend."  
  


***  
  


Nabiki Tendo played with the telephoto lens, then snapped several pictures.  
"Oh my," she said. "This is too rich! What is she going to do?"  
Her eyes tracked a couple as they stepped out of an ice cream parlor and made their way down the sidewalk. Dropping her camera and pulling the wide brim of her hat lower, she shadowed them down the opposite side of the street. They were holding hands! She paused to take several more pictures, then watched as they disappeared into a restaurant.  
"Can it be?" she asked. "An actual date? Oh, my poor sister! She probably couldn't find a way out of it. That's what you get for being nice. But this is better than anything I could _ever_ arrange on my own! How much will Ranma pay to keep _these_ photos under wraps? Everything! No, he doesn't _have_ enough money to keep them hidden!"  
She balanced the camera on the back of a postbox. "Okay, Kuno baby," she said, "now don't disappoint me. It's your first big date with the love of your life, and you're as vain as a Hollywood starlet. Tell me you want a window seat. Tell me you want everyone who walks by to see you with your dream date."  
For several moments she scanned the large glass windows, then she froze. Quickly she took aim with the camera and adjusted the scope.  
"YES! YES! Oh, Kuno baby, you are _sooooo_ predictable! Oh, my, yes! Commemorative photos of your first date with the pig-tailed goddess! What will you pay? What WILL you pay? I'm afraid to even contemplate it. Ten times the usual? Twenty? More?"  
Nabiki reeled off an entire roll of film, then paused to rewind and put in a new roll. "I almost feel guilty," she said to herself. "I mean, my poor sister... and poor Ranma! It's almost going too far. I should probably cut them in for a share. Maybe... one percent each? No. One percent, split between the two. Yeah, I can probably afford that much."  
Nabiki levelled the camera and began clicking away.  


  
***  


  
Kasumi wasn't at all sure how she had gone from an evening spent with two of Ranma's friends to a date with another of them, but here she was, in a fine French restaurant, with the strange boy who always dressed like a samurai. She was vaguely aware that Ranma himself would probably have never allowed this to happen, but Kuno had trapped her so cleverly with his words and actions that she didn't quite know how to escape, short of punching him again, which she was definately _not_ going to do. She was also aware that what she was doing might have some rammifications down the road for Ranma -- she could be getting him into yet more trouble, but she saw no way to avoid it.  
*In any case,* she thought to herself after some reflection, *Ranma can certainly handle himself, so I suppose I can't do too much damage. And really, it _is _kind of fun, being on a date! I've never actually done this before. I was too young before mother died, and since then my opportunities for any romance have been slim. And he is kind of handsome, in an egotistical way, and he is rather charming, and chivalrous, if a little odd...*  
Kasumi allowed herself to relax, and have a good time. The meal was delicious, and the company... well, Kuno spoke at great length about his own exploits, and especially about his great (and victorious) battles with "that evil sorceror Ranma Saotome", whatever that meant... but Kasumi was used to boastful stories, and was a good listener. The evening was surprisingly pleasant, certainly moreso than the movie had been, and Kuno seemed to be having _such_ a nice time...  
As they stepped out of the restarant, Kuno's face took on a more serious frown. "Now then, my beautiful pig-tailed goddess," he said, "where do you suppose the night shall lead us to next?"  
Enough was enough, Kasumi realized. She'd had some fun, probably at Ranma's expense, she thought guiltily. Best if it went no farther than that. "Thank you so much for the dinner, Kuno, I enjoyed myself, but I really think I should be heading home."  
"Of course," Kuno said after a moment's reflection. "For 'The day is done, and the darkness Falls from the wings of Night, As a feather is wafted downward From an Eagle in flight.' But I insist that I be allowed to escort you to the door of your domicile!"  
Kasumi giggled. What an odd way of speaking this boy had! "Thank you very much, Kuno," she said. "I think I'd like that."  
They walked through the streets as the daylight faded away and was replaiced by the moonlight. Kuno seemed peaceful and reflective. Kasumi could not remember ever having seen the boy act this way before... always in the past, he was loud, and boastful, and ready to fight his friends at a moment's notice. Now he seemed calm, almost serene.  
He placed his arm around her. Again, she thought that probably Ranma would not have allowed it, but she didn't want to start a confrontation with this boy. Besides, it really felt good.  
At the gate of the dojo he took Kasumi in his arms and looked deeply into her eyes. She knew what he wanted, and she found that she wanted it as well. It had been such a pleasant evening, her first real date ever, and dates always ended with a kiss, wasn't that so?  
*What can it hurt?* She thought. And then, *Oh, but he will tell others! Ranma might never live it down!* And then, *but if no one sees us, it will be Ranma's word against Kuno's...* And then, *It would be so nice, a perfect ending to such an enjoyable evening.* And then, *Do you suppose Ranma has ever been in this position? What did she do?* And then, *Oh, I can't do this to poor Ranma!* And then...  
And then Kuno kissed her. Her eyes went wide with shock, but it wasn't unpleasant at all, and for just a moment she allowed herself to kiss him back. Just a moment, just... and then she pulled away, reluctantly.  
She frowned. Kuno had such a goofy look on his face, and he was staring up at the sky, ignoring her completely. Was he all right? And there had been the distinct sounds of clicking and whirring coming from the alley across the way. They were soft, faint sounds, but it was night and the streets were quiet. Kasumi had heard them clearly, and she knew what those sounds were.  
With another glance at Kuno, who was lost in a world of his own, she opened the gate and slipped inside. She stepped to the side of the gate and waited.  
Several minutes later the gate slid open again. Nabiki slipped silently into the compound. She was dressed all in dark clothing, with a wide-brimmed hat that was pulled down low. In her hand she carried a camera, carefully, as if it were a priceless relic from the Han Dynasty.  
Kasumi cleared her throat. Nabiki nearly jumped back over the wall.  
"Sister," Kasumi said, "what are you doing with that camera?"  
  


***  
  


The rising young star of the kendo club, he whom they called 'the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High', Tatewate Kunou, walked home.  
His mind was in a pleasant fog. What a marvelous night it had been! His first date with the pig-tailed girl! His first kiss! This day, he reasoned, ranked as high on his list of momentous days as his other greatest days... his chance first meetings with Akane and with the pig-tailed girl. No, this ranked higher! Higher than any other day! _This_ was the most consequential moment of his young life! _This _day signalled a turning point in his relationship with the pig-tailed goddess! No more would that dark sorcerer Saotome hold sway over her innocent heart, clouding her mind to the truth. Now, now, his path to her heart was clear and unobstructed. Now, finally, could Tatewate Kuno see where his path would lead him!  
He stopped in the middle of the street, suddenly in anguish.  
What of Akane? How could he break the news to her? How could he leave her, broken and devestated by her loss?  
No! It could not be! Never could he raise one above the other, or abandon one in favor of the other! He would choose the most difficult path, but the most honorable one! The path of a true samurai! He would court them both, and win both their hearts at last!  
Kuno paused, again, brought up short by the thought. If he were to treat them equally... if he were to avoid favoring one, and thus shattering the heart of the other... then surely he must arrange a date with Akane Tendo forthwith! How it would crush her to know of this evening he had spent in the pig-tailed girl's company, if he did not immediately arrange a similar evening with her! And truly, it was not only the honorable thing to do, but very much a thing that he felt a yearning for within his own breast!  
"Oh!" Kuno said aloud, "that ever a man trod a path so precarious and fraught with danger, and all for the sake of love! But as it is said, 'For ever it was, and ever it shall befall, That Love is he that all things may bind.' Yes! My next step is as clear as the morning sun! Tomorrow evening shall Akane Tendo dine together with me, and I shall escort her home just as I have tonight with the pig-tailed girl. And then..!"  
Maniacle laughter rang out in the night.  


  
***  
  


Father was waiting for both of them when Kasumi and Nabiki slipped into the house. They greeted him, then Nabiki yawned and headed up to her room. Kasumi stayed behind.  
"Father? Can I get you some tea, or something to eat?"  
Soun shook his head. "No, thank you, Kasumi. I was just going to bed."  
"Let me rub your shoulders then," she said, settling behind him. Soun relaxed and let his daughter work out the kinks in his back, and for a moment it seemed as if it had all been a dream. He could imagine that he was his precious Kasumi's own hands on his shoulders, and not Ranmachan's.  
"I... I'm afraid I may have caused Ranma some trouble tonight," Kasumi said, shattering his reverie. "I hope it's not too bad."  
"Don't worry," Soun said softly. "There's very little that Ranma can't handle. We'll speak to Tofu-Sensei in the morning, and with any luch we'll find a solution for this mess."  
"I hope so, father, I really do," Kasumi said.  
  
After her father had disappeared into his room, Kasumi headed for the bath. It was late, but she wanted to be clean and she needed some time to relax and think things over.  
She closed the door behind her. After a minute there was the sound of running water. A few minutes of relative quiet passed, and then the the sounds of more water running, and of water splashing. Then came the sound of feet padding on a hard tile floor, and the deeper splosh of someone settling into the tub, and of the water sloshing about and splashing onto the floor.  
A girl's voice cried out suddenly. "Oh! Oh, my!" The voice quickly dropped to a lower register. "Oh my, oh my, oh my!"  
  
It was a short bath. Kasumi emerged again a few minutes later, clean, but hardly relaxed. She was female again, and her face was very, very red.  
  


***  


  



	3. Chapter 3

  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
This story will be at least 6 parts total. I have everything plotted but the plot occasionally twists and changes on me. the first three parts are written (Hey! Here's part three now!) and the rest exists in half-scenes and notes like "in this scene, Ranma makes love to a duck".  
(Special note: Ranma does not make love to a duck in any story I have written, am writing, or intend to write. Although he nearly married one once, as we all know. Anyone want to write a story hinging on a "what if that marriage had actually gone through"?) ^_^;;;;  
This will be a rather traditional story, not dark or serious or waffy or lemon or revisionist or alternate universe or anything. It's set near the end of the series, because Mrs. Tendo knows about Ranma and Genma... other than that, I haven't thought about continuity too much.  
  
Sorry for the goofy title.  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting  
Part Three  


  
When Kasumi awoke, she lay in her bed, hugging her pillow, recalling Kuno's kiss from the evening before. It had surprised her, but it had also been warm, and intimate, and electrifying. It made her dizzy to think about it. Was that what love was like? Kasumi had never been in love, had never had the time to even consider it.  
` But no, when she thought of Kuno, she thought mostly of his pompous attitudes, his boasting, and his flat refusal to see or hear anything which contradicted his chosen view of the world. She wasn't in love with Kuno. *Which is a good thing,* she thought, giggling. *Ranma doesn't need any more fiancees... especially male ones!*  
She got dressed, and headed for the kitchen. She was surprised to find Ranma and Nodoka already there, hard at work on breakfast.  
"Kasumi, dear," Nodoka said, "you just let us take care of things for now. Remember, until this situation is resolved, you're a high school student again. No need for you to be cooking and cleaning."  
Kasumi smiled weakly. It was awfully nice of Mrs. Saotome and Ranma, but... Kasumi had been getting up early and cooking breakfast for everyone since long before she'd graduated from high school. Being a student had little to do with it. She backed out of the kitchen and looked around.  
*Now what?* The kitchen was Kasumi's center of operation. To not be allowed to enter and start breakfast threw her off balance. What was she supposed to do with herself now?  
She could hear Genma and father outside, sparring. *Poor father! I suppose Mr. Saotome needs a partner, but father's not as fond of early morning workouts as the Saotomes are!*  
Akane would be out running soon, if she wasn't already, and Nabiki... well, Nabiki wasn't an early riser.  
If she were Ranma, she'd be out sparring with his father, not standing here in a yellow dress. Well, at least she could practice some of the simple katas she'd learned from father as a child. It would be a good idea to try and keep Ranma's body in shape, at any rate. But she'd need to wear something besides the dress...   
  
A half-hour later, Kasumi left the dojo, having worked up a sweat. *My, but Ranma-kun is a healthy girl!* she thought. It had been so very long since Kasumi had practiced, but the katas had come to her quite readily. She'd even found herself going through some of Ranma's moves, ones she'd seen him do many times but which Kasumi had never been taught. They felt absolutely natural, and the movement of her body, with it's strength, speed, and flexibility, was exhilarating, almost hypnotic.  
She took a quick bath, being very careful that the water was only lukewarm, then she headed back to her room. She thought again about attending school as a boy, but knew she wasn't ready to do it. She studied Ranma's clothing critically -- the red silk top, the black pants -- and again she wondered, *If I'm going to be a girl, then what could be wrong with dressing like a girl? Certainly that's more natural than a girl who dresses like a boy!*  
With her mind made up, Kasumi headed for the attic.  
  


***  


  
"Ranma! I mean, Kasumi! Hurry up! We're going to be late!"  
Akane stood at the foot of the stairs, fuming. *You'd think that for once, with my sister taking Ranma's place, we could actually arrive on time, but nooo! What's gotten into her anyway? Is Ranma's body affecting her mind somehow?*  
Akane's anger vanished and her mouth fell open when she saw Kasumi descending the stairs. Kasumi wore her old Furinkan High School girl's dress uniform, and her red hair was tied back with a large white ribbon. It wasn't much, but... no, that's not true, there was something else as well. There was the way Kasumi walked, the way she moved, the way she smiled so sweetly when she greeted Akane. Ranma had _never_ looked like this. Ranma _could_ never look like this... he could never be as sweet and innocent, as graceful and feminine, as Kasumi. Everything that was Kasumi showed through in her every look, her every movement, her every spoken word. Combined with Ranma's looks, which were admittedly considerable, she was absolutely stunning.  
*My god,* Akane thought. *Every boy in school's going to be on her in an instant. It won't even matter that they know she's really Ranma...*  
Was this really her sister? Why hadn't she looked like this yesterday, or last night? What was going on here?  
"Akane?" Kasumi said, waving a hand in front of Akane's face. "Shouldn't we be going? I thought you said we were late."  
"Kasumi?" Akane said, snapping out of her dazed state. "Do you... do you really think it's a good idea to go to school like that?"  
Kasumi smiled ruefully. "To be honest, Akane, I know it might cause Ranma problems later, but I can't bring myself to act like him or... or to _be_ him. If you don't mind, I'd like to leave before Ranma notices..."  
"That... that sounds like a good idea," Akane said. The two slipped silently past the kitchen, where Ranma was washing the morning dishes, and out the front gate.  
Nabiki was waiting at the corner, camera in hand. Akane sighed. Maybe Ranma was right... maybe this _was_ worse than anything that had yet happened to him. And Ranma didn't even know the half of it, yet...  


  
***  


  
Ranma had thought school was boring, but she was beginning to realize how much more dull things could be. While Mr. Tendo and her father sat in the corner, playing their usual games of shogi, Ranma once again tackled the household's daily tasks under the watchful gaze of her mother. There was nothing exciting about dusting or scrubbing the floors or doing the laundry, and this time around there was little help from Nodoka, who expected Ranma to be able to do all of this on her own as soon as possible. It was mindless work, which perhaps explained why Kasumi seemed so mindless so much of the time.  
Worse, it wore her out and left her tired, without providing any of the benefits of an actual workout. Not that Ranma had ever taken Kasumi for granted, but she was learning to respect the oldest Tendo sister on a whole new level.  
The upside of all this mindless work was that it gave her a chance to talk with her mother, which she rarely had the chance to do. The downside to talking to her mother was that her mother wanted to do more than talk. She wanted to _discuss_ things. Things like relationships, and how to treat women, and how to conduct yourself in the world. It was one thing, Ranma thought, to do dull, boring, and mindless actions. In fact, she was pretty good at doing boring, mindless things; that was, after all, essentially what practicing kata was about. It was quite another thing to multiply the dullness of a job by adding a boring discussion on top of it all.  
Ranma nodded her head as she worked, and said, "I see," and "I understand" when the moment seemed appropriate. She was scrubbing in the kitchen, while her mother talked, and was slowly going out of her mind, when a familiar sound got her attention, and a movement from the entrance caught her eye...  
  


***  


  
The three Tendo sisters walked to school together for the first time in nearly two years. It made Akane happy. She recalled her first day of high school, how excited she'd been, walking along with her sisters. She'd listened eagerly to everything the two had told her. After Kasumi had graduated, Akane had still walked to school with Nabiki, but it hadn't been the same. Nabiki had her own friends and her own schemes to worry about; she and Akane weren't all that close. This last year, after Ranma had shown up, Akane and Nabiki had rarely walked together at all.  
In a short time Nabiki would graduate, and then it would just be Akane and Ranma. Time moved fast. But, for today, all three sisters were together.  
There was the jingle of a bicycle bell, and Shampoo rode past them, scanning the crowd. Akane's heart skipped a beat -- the uninhibited, purple-haired Chinese girl was the last thing they needed -- but Shampoo barely glanced at Kasumi.  
*Maybe she won't recognize her at all,* thought Akane. Then, more sarcastically, she thought, *Maybe if Ranma wore a dress and a hair-ribbon more often, he'd have less trouble with fiancees...*  
As they neared the school gate Shampoo circled around and came back to them. She stopped her bike, miraculously without destroying any walls or landing on top of anyone. "Akane Tendo, you know where airen is?" she asked in broken Japanese.  
Akane shrugged. "Haven't seen him," she said, but Shampoo was neither as blind as Mousse nor as unobservant as Ryoga. She focused on Kasumi, and her eyes went wide.  
"Aiya! Ranma?"  
Kasumi smiled. "Why hello, Shampoo! How are you today?"  
Shampoo leapt from her bike and glomped onto Kasumi. "Airen! You go on date with Shampoo now yes?"  
"Oh, my!" Kasumi exclaimed. "Shampoo, I... I have school to attend, I... could you possibly let go of me?"  
Kasumi managed, with difficulty, to separated herself from the overly affectionate amazon. Nearby, Akane clenched her fists and glowed with a brilliant blue aura. She wanted to hit someone or something, but with Kasumi inhabiting Ranma's body, the only viable target was Shampoo, and Akane knew better than to start another fight with that girl.  
"Shampoo," Kasumi said, straightening her dress, "I think it's time we had a talk about girls hugging other girls..."  
"What you talking about Ranma? Shampoo know you is no girl!"  
"Well..." Kasumi faltered. "That's true... I suppose... but even so, when Ran... when I'm in my girl form, you should try to restrain yourself. Not everyone knows that I'm not a girl, you know. Think of how it appears to others."  
"Why you dress like that, Ranma?" Shampoo asked, changing the subject. "Is violent girl hit you on head again?"  
"Violent!" Akane yelled, pounding her fist into the rock wall next to her. Bits of rock flew everywhere as the wall collapsed. "Who, exactly, are you calling violent?!?"  
"Aiya," Shampoo said, staring at the demolished wall. Suddenly she turned back to Kasumi. "Shampoo come to warn you about Mousse," she said. "He train very hard in mountain for two weeks. Now he is looking for you, Ranma. You be careful, Mousse very strong this time, very hard to beat."  
"Mousse is looking to fight Ranma?" Akane said. A huge sweatdrop appeared on her head as she considered the implications. *There's no way Kasumi can handle Mousse, even on a good day. If he's had two weeks of training, then Kasumi's dead meat. Our only chance is to avoid a confrontation completely.*  
"Ah!" Shampoo cried out. "Shampoo understand now! You already hear of Mousse, yes? Is good disguise! Almost you fool Shampoo!" She hugged Kasumi again, and Kasumi's face turned very red. Then Shampoo stepped back, serious again. "Still, you no hide from Mousse forever. Mousse very determined this time, Ranma. You no hurt him too bad, okay?"  
"I... I'm sure I'll manage that somehow," Kasumi said softly.  
  


***  


  
P-Chan squealed in delight, recognizing the Tendo Dojo. He'd found it again! Oh, the heavens smiled on him when he was able to find his way back to Akane so often! Grunting contentedly to himself, he squeezed into the compound and trotted happily towards the house.  
Once inside, he proceeded with caution. Not only did he become lost easily in the massive house, but he wanted to avoid Ranma if he could. But all he saw was Kasumi, working in the kitchen as usual. He grunted in satisfaction, located the staircase, and trotted quickly towards it.  
Steady footsteps followed him. He turned, and saw a hand reaching out. The next thing he knew, he was being dangled by his collar before Kasumi's frowning face.  
"Just where do you think you're going, Mr. pig?" Kasumi asked. P-Chan squealed in confusion and alarm. Something wasn't right!  
"As if I didn't know," Kasumi continued, carrying him through the living room and out into the back. "Well, sorry, _Ryoga_, but you're not sleeping with my sister tonight."  
P-Chan barely felt a thing as he was drop-kicked by the older Tendo sister. He flew out over the houses of Nerima, his mind stunned and confused. *Kasumi knows?* he thought. *But... but how? And why was Kasumi, of all people, acting just like Ranma?*  
  


***  


  
"Who's the new girl?" Hitoshi asked.  
Daisuke shook his head. "I can't say, my friend, but she sure is a sight for sore eyes!"  
"What a babe! Have you ever seen her before, Kyosuke?"  
"Never! I wouldn't forget a beautiful sight like that!"  
The boys gathered in their homeroom at Furinkan High and stared at the unknown red-headed girl. As the teacher called out the student's names in turn, the boys whispered back and forth. When the girl caught some of them looking her way, she gave them a warm, radiant smile, and several boys nearly passed out on the spot.  
The girls, too, were watching the new student, comparing her stunning beauty and grace to their own and, without exception, feeling slightly outclassed. Just who was this girl anyway?  
"Ranma Saotome?" the teacher called out.  
"Here!" Kasumi said. The entire room gasped, and as one they turned to stare.  
"Ranma?"  
"That's Ranma?"  
"That can't be Ranma, can it?"  
"What a waste if he doesn't stay that way!"  
In seconds every boy in the classroom was crowded around Kasumi's desk, asking questions, offering her presents from their desks or parts of their lunch. Kasumi was bewildered and overwhelmed.  
"Oh, how nice of you! You really shouldn't... my, how sweet! Oh, I don't think I should, thank you so very much for offering! Oh, would you look at that! Why, thank you! Hello again, Daisuke, Hitoshi! Isn't class about to start?"  
Meanwhile the girls in the classroom remained seated, but had their own comments.  
"Would you look at them? I can't believe it! Mooning over a boy, of all things!"  
"I knew Ranma was a little weird, but this..."  
"And to think for a moment I actually thought she was pretty."  
"Ranma, pretty? Don't make me laugh."  
"Honestly, how long are they going to keep this up?"  
"Akane seems remarkably calm, don't you think?"  
"Yeah, Akane, what's up? Why is Ranma dressed like this? Are you really going to ignore it all?"  
"Why should it concern me?" Akane replied. As usual, there was an undercurrent of anger in her voice, but a couple of the other girls exchanged glances. Hadn't it sounded a little hollow, as if Akane weren't really angry at all? What, exactly, was going on here?  
"Akane Tendo! You must date with me tonight!"  
Kuno came charging across the room, a bouquet of flowers in his hand, and the unusual was suddenly swept away by the all-too-familiar. Kuno landed on one knee in front of Akane's desk and, grabbing her hand, he planted a kiss upon it. "Oh beauteous Akane, allow me to grace you with an evening as splendid as that which I and the beautiful pig-tailed goddess..."  
The soliloquy ended abruptly as satellite Kuno was once again launched into orbit, this time via the second-story window. Akane watched him sailing off. She looked suddenly perplexed. "What was that he was saying about an evening with the pig-tailed goddess..?" she wondered out loud.  
Akane felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to see Kasumi eyeing her levelly. "Akane," her sister said, "was that really necessary?"  
  


***  


  
Akane didn't learn the whole story until lunchtime, when she and Kasumi happened across their sister, engaged in another of her transactions with Kuno. Nabiki was so wrapped up in her bargaining that she failed to notice Akane approaching her from behind. Akane reached out and lifted a set of photographs from Nabiki's hands.  
"Hey!" Nabiki yelled, spinning about. "Give those back! They're extremely valuable merchandise!"  
"What is it this time, Nabiki?" Akane growled. "More lewd photos of me working out? Maybe a shot of me getting dressed, or even a bathroom shot? Oh..." Akane's eyes went wide, and she looked directly at Kasumi. "This is you, isn't it? Eating dinner with Kuno... holding hands... kissing him?!? I thought you were out with Hitoshi and Daisuke!"  
Kasumi's face turned red. "Oh, my... I thought I'd gotten rid of those..."  
Nabiki smirked. "Can I help it, sister, if you took the camera, but not all my rolls of film? A girl's got to make a living you know."  
"Kasumi, how could you?" Akane said, hurt. "This isn't your body you know, it's Ranma's! It's his life you're messing up, and mi... and... Of all the people I might have expected this from, I never would have thought..."  
Kuno, ever aware of half the truth and no more than that, placed one arm each over the shoulders of Akane and Kasumi. "Now, girls," he said, "there's no need to argue. The great Tatewate Kuno is more than enough of a man for the both of y..."  
"DO YOU MIND?!?" Akane yelled as she launched Kuno for the second time that day. As she stood, huffing in anger, watching Kuno's trajectory, Kasumi spoke again.  
"I'm sorry, Akane, I know I was wrong, but... I don't know what came over me. I..." her voice trailed off as she looked down at her feet in shame.  
Nabiki held out her hand. "If you're quite finished ruining my transaction, Akane," she said icily, "I'd appreciate having those back..."  
"Not on your life!"  
Nabiki frowned. "Fine, if that's the way you want it, I'll just charge your account..."  
"NABIKI!"  
"Look, sis, I have the negatives. You'll only delay my sale by a day, and force me to have new prints made..."  
"AS IF I CARE ABOUT YOUR PETTY INCONVENIENCES!" Akane yelled. She stalked off without looking back.  
Nabiki sighed, and glanced back at Kasumi. "That's Akane for you," she said. "She'll calm down eventua...."  
"Nabiki," Kasumi said levelly, and Nabiki thought she saw a flash of anger in the red-head's eyes, "what I did was wrong, but what you did was also wrong. And after I told you last night not to do this! I... I don't even know what to say. I am very, very disappointed in you."  
A slight frown graced Nabiki's normally calm face as she watched her elder sister disappear behind some trees. Nabiki was never one to admit to any sort of deep emotion, but she had never heard her older sister speak before in that tone of voice. Akane's anger came and went as swiftly as the wind, and Nabiki could weather it easily, but to hear the anger and hurt in Kasumi's voice shook her to her core.  
It was almost enough to keep her from selling the photos. Almost.  
*One percent each,* she thought, after a moment's reflection. *They deserve that much, at least. And a half-percent for Akane as well, but that's as much as I can offer...*  
  


***  


  
Growing up with his father, Ranma had learned simple cooking out of necessity. Later he had learned quite a bit from his mother, mostly while disguised as "Tendo Ranko", the supposed niece. but even after his mother knew him as her son Ranma, she'd continued to give him the occasional cooking lesson. Although left unspoken, they both sensed that Ranma, after marriage, might be forced to become the primary cook of his family -- assuming, of course, that he married Akane.  
Noon found Ranma in the kitchen, preparing lunch. Nodoka was out shopping. She'd left the planning and preparation of lunch up to Ranma, who'd decided on something that was not too difficult but which she enjoyed eating. Without even realizing it, she hummed to herself as she worked. She was having fun -- cooking was a great deal more engaging than cleaning or folding laundry -- and was looking forward to the reactions of her father and Mr. Tendo.  
"Hotcha! My favorite! Yakisoba, made by the loving hands of Kasumi!"  
Ranma spun around. Happosai was standing on the table, shoveling yakisoba noodles into his mouth as quickly as his hands could move. Remembering her promise to Mr. Tendo, Ranma quelled the urge to punch her diminutive master, and instead slammed a pan down onto the table next to him.  
"Hey!" Ranma yelled, "I'm not finished yet! Wait until I say lunch is ready!"  
Suddenly Happosai froze. The chopsticks fell from his lifeless fingers as a look of horror crawled across his face.  
"Kasumi! Your yakisoba.... it's... it's..." his hands went to his throat.  
"What?!? You don't like it? There's nothing wrong with it! Or maybe you'd like some of Akane's cooking for comparison?"  
"No," Happosai said, "that's not it, it's..." He looked up, tears coming to his eyes. "Kasumi, this is merely good! What could have possibly gone wrong? Your cooking has always been far more than just good!"  
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Is that all? Well if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it, you know. Nobody's forcing you."  
"But Kasumi!" the man pleaded, "to not be completely satisfied by your food... perhaps something's wrong with me!"  
"Oh, really?" Ranma muttered under her breath, "what was your first clue?" She carried the dishes out to the family room, where Soun and Genma were hunched over their game board, engaged in yet another fierce battle of, for lack of a better word, wits. Happosai followed her and sat at the table dejectedly.  
"I just don't get it," he muttered to himself. "How can I not love Kasumi's cooking?"  
"Lunch is ready," Ranma called out. "I hope you like it."  
In a maneuver of astonishing agility, Genma used the distraction to switch game pieces around and still arrived at the table ahead of Soun. Ranma shook her head. *He really has all the talent to be a truly great martial artist,* she thought. *If only he weren't such a cowardly weasel.*  
Genma dug in quickly, then beamed at his son-cum-daughter. "Ranma, my boy, you've outdone yourself! And without any help from Nodoka! If only you'd have learned to cook this well at a younger age, our years of training might have passed more easily!"  
Happosai looked about. "Ranma? Where do you see Ranma? Are you feeling okay, Genma?"  
"Master," Soun said, "your senses do not deceive you. Ranma and Kasumi have, for the moment, switched places."  
Happosai's eyes narrowed. He looked at Ranma, and then back at Soun.  
"Do you mean," he said, "that beautiful Kasumi here is really my ungrateful student, Ranma?"  
Soun nodded. "We're not exactly sure how it hap..."  
"Ranchan!" Happosai exclaimed, making a leap directly for Ranma's breasts.  
There was a loud thump, and Happosai landed face-first in Ranma's yakisoba. Ranma blinked. He hadn't moved a muscle... it was Soun who had delivered the blow.  
"Way to go, Mr. Tendo!" Ranma exclaimed. "You're finally standing up to the freak!"  
"Forgive me, Master," Soun said, hastily picking Happosai up and dusting him off. "That's still the body of our beloved Kasumi. I beg of you to treat it with respect, regardless of who inhabits it."  
While Soun groveled before him, the little man sat on the edge of the table and lit his pipe. "Okay, Soun," he said, reflectively, "I'll let you off easy this one time. Still, this explains a lot. I was afraid for a moment that I'd lost my ability to appreciate fine cuisine, but knowing that this mess is Ranma's work..."  
"Hey! There's nothing wrong with my cooking!"  
"That's where you're wrong, boy!" Happosai countered. "Kasumi's food exists on a completely different level from normal cooking! Her creations are spiced with her love and happiness, with her tenderness and compassion. It's no wonder this slop pales by comparison!"  
"Slop!" Ranma sputtered. "Spiced with compassion? Give me a break!"  
"Laugh if you want, Ranma," Happosai said, "but only a woman with a pure heart could ever hope to equal Kasumi's culinary skills."  
"Is that so? We'll just see about that!"  
"Son," Soun said, "the master is right. You cook very well, but Kasumi has had years to hone her skills."  
"You think I don't know that? All I'm saying is I can make a meal that anyone can enjoy, and I don't need sweetness and love to do it! Compassion isn't something you eat!"  
"All right then!" Happosai said, jumping up on the table. "You can be awfully headstrong, Ranma, but this time I'm taking you down a peg or two! I accept your challenge! If you can create a meal that even comes close to Kasumi's perfection, something that even vaguely reminds me of her wonderful meals, then you win!"  
"You got it!"  
"And I'm so certain that you'll fail, that if you win, I'll give you that which I hold most dear! You can have every bra and every panty that I've ever taken from Akane!"  
"WHAT?!? Why would I ever... what makes you think... I don't want..."  
"Ranma," Soun said, stepping forward, "the Master rarely makes so generous an offer. To refuse is to risk his wrath, and none of us want that."  
"Look, Mr. Tendo, I don't want ANY girl's underwear, and especially not underwear from that kawaiikune tomboy!"  
"Boy! Don't speak of your fiance that way!"  
"Please, Ranma," Soun said, tears coming to his eyes, "don't refuse the Master's kind offer... you have no idea how much money I spend every month, keeping Akane supplied with underwear..."  
Ranma's eyes went wide, and she glanced towards Happosai. "Just how often does the freak steal from her anyway?"  
"You ungrateful, snot-nosed brat! Are you gonna accept my challenge, or not?"  
"Fine by me," Ranma said. "But you can give the underwear to Akane... I just want to hear you say you like my food!"  
"It's a deal," Happosai said. "But should you lose, you'll be wearing this!" From within his robe he produced a bra... the same one he'd been trying to get Ranma to wear for months.  
A sweatdrop appeared on Ranma's head. Considering that she was wearing a bra, along with everything else Kasumi normally wore, the threat from Happosai seemed rather out of place. She managed to rally with a half-hearted growl. "You just never give up, do you?"  
"Don't do it, son!" Genma growled. "This isn't a battle you can win."  
Ranma was defiant. "I don't lose at nothing! Not even cooking!"  
"This isn't martial arts cooking you know!"  
"Says you. I say 'anything goes' means 'anything goes'!" She stomped off to the kitchen, muttering to herself about recipes and compassion.  
Genma sighed. "My own son, attempting to out-cook Kasumi. Where did I go wrong, Tendo?"  
"Perhaps, Saotome, it was that trip to China..."  
Happosai sat back down. "Ha! The fool really thinks he can cook like Kasumi. That'll be the day!"  
"The boy's really lost it this time, Tendo. We need to switch him and Kasumi back, quick."  
"Now, how did this happen, exactly?" Happosai asked. "It's not every day you have people switching bodies like that."  
"It started with the Monkey Head-Butting Technique," Soun said.  
"The what?"  
Quickly Soun filled the Master in on the previous day's events. When they were done, Happosai scowled.  
"What?" Happosai said. "Monkey Head-Butting Technique? A powerful weapon of attack and defense? Don't make me laugh! Who told you that load of crap? That sounds like one of Genma's stories!"  
A sweatdrop appeared on Genma's forehead.  
"There's no such thing?" Soun said. His body began to radiate a red battle aura.  
"Tendo, I'm sure I can explain..."  
"Saotome, you assured me that such a technique existed..."  
With a loud splash, Genma upended a bucket of water over his head. A moment later Mr. Panda stood there, holding a sign that read, "Growf?"  
"Saotome," Soun said, "don't make the mistake of thinking you can get out of this one..."  
"No," Happosai continued, "that technique was never meant as a weapon of attack or defense... it's only purpose was to provide the perfect disguise for sneaking into women's locker rooms..."  
Soun paused and glanced back at his perverted Master. "Then it really exists?" he asked.  
"Growf?"  
"Of course it exists!" Happosai said with authority. "I didn't spend a good part of my youth chasing a dream you know! I searched for years, scouring the land, until I finally claimed the secrets of Monkey Head-Bashing for my own! Only then was I satisfied!"  
"Then you know the secret!" Soun cried happily. "You know how to cure Kasumi! Why didn't you say so earlier?"  
"Because," Happosai said, "I don't."  
  


***  


  
Now that she looked back on it, Akane could see that Ranma's whole "Cat Tongue Pressure Point" episode had been a blessing in disguise. For weeks Ranma had been forced to attend school as a girl, to wear a girl's swimsuit or gym outfit during p.e. He'd managed to avoid wearing the girl's school uniform, but only barely. Still, people were used to seeing Ranma as a girl, and while Kasumi had caused quite a stir this morning by the way she'd dressed and acted, it was quickly forgotten. People weren't shocked, and they weren't gossiping... at least, no more than they usually did.  
As Ranma-chan had done, Kasumi wore a girl's gym outfit and joined the other girls playing softball. Kasumi played well. From what Akane could remember, her sister had never been very good at the sport. *There's my theory again,* she thought. *Kasumi seems to be reacting with Ranma-chan's instincts and reflexes.*  
"Ranma Saotome! Prepare to die!"  
The challenge rang out across the softball field, and Akane looked up to see Mousse, in his usual flowing white robe, hurling threats and invectives at a nearby shrub.  
"Oh, look! It's that strange Chinese boy!" Sayuri said.  
"What's he doing talking to that bush?" Yuka added. "How odd!"  
As Mousse adjusted his glasses and stared closely at the bush, a crowd of boys and girls gathered around Kasumi. Everyone knew what was coming; challenges to Ranma had become a weekly event at the school, and were, in fact, quite anticipated. The battles were often spectacular, and there was always the outside chance that the unthinkable would happen, that Ranma would lose... after all, pigs were often seen flying through the Nerima skies.  
Mousse, his glasses balanced atop his head, walked straight up to Kasumi. For a moment Akane wondered if he'd actually done the unthinkable and picked Ranma out of the crowd -- on a day when not another soul in the entire school had managed to. But then Mousse spoke.  
"Excuse me Miss, have you seen Ranma Saotome?"  
"Not since this morning," Kasumi said.  
"Ranma's not here, Mousse," Akane chimed in, stepping forward. There would be a way out of this yet!  
"Ranma?" Hitoshi said, not to be denied a ringside seat at another spectacular match. "What do you mean, he's right there in front of you!"  
Akane shot Hitoshi a withering glare, which he failed to notice. Mousse adjusted his glasses and looked closer at Kasumi. "Ranma? Is that you? Why are you dressed like a girl?"  
"Why, because I am a girl," Kasumi replied. "At least, for the moment."  
The vision-impaired boy jumped back and assumed a fighting stance. "Never mind, you pervert! I've come to defeat you and win back the hand of my beloved Shampoo!"  
"Win back?" Hitoshi said. "Doesn't that mean he had to have it in the first place?"  
"That's the usual meaning," Daisuke replied. The other students nodded in agreement.  
"Shut up!" Mousse yelled. "Ranma, prepare to die!"  
"I'm pretty sure he said that already," Yuka said.  
Mousse moved to attack Kasumi. "NO!" Akane shouted, jumping between the two. From nowhere she produced a mallet, swinging it in a wide arc that intersected with Mousse's face, seperating him from his glasses, and his feet from the ground.  
"Akane!" Daisuke said. "This is a fight between two men! No fair interrupting!"  
"Two men?" Akane fired back. She jabbed a finger at Kasumi. "Does that look like a man to you?"  
"Well, it's Ranma, after all..."  
Mousse leapt to his feet. "I agree! This fight is between Ranma and I! Ranma, tell your woman to stay out of it!"  
"My... woman?" Kasumi repeated doubtfully.  
There was another flash of the mallet, and Mousse was again stretched out on the playing field.  
"Akane, stop it! We want to see a fight!"  
"Come on, Mousse!" Akane growled. "It's the middle of school! At least issue a formal challenge! Name the time and place and we'll be there... but you can't just fight right here during school!"  
Hitoshi frowned. "I thought they did that all the time."  
"Me too," Daisuke added.  
"Very well," Mousse said, drawing himself up and adjusting his glasses once more. "Ranma Saotome, I formally challenge you for the right to pursue Shampoo! The fight shall be held..."  
"...next month!" Akane interjected.  
Mousse looked at her blankly. "Next month? Very well, Akane, if you insist, then so it shall be. And given that today is the twenty-ninth, that means that our fight shall commence this Saturday!"  
"Uh..." Akane said, "Saturday? Did I say Saturday?"  
"The date is set! Ranma, meet me at noon here on the school grounds. You'd better show up! Be prepared to die!"  
"He keeps saying that," Daisuke said, as Mousse bounded away.  
"Such a strange boy," Yuka agreed.  
"It's sad, really," Sayuri added, "talking to bushes, and always repeating himself. Do you think he even realizes it?"  
  


***  


End Part Three  
  
  
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back! Write something different!  
Enjoy! And if you don't, write me anyway!  
  
M.A. Davis aka "Miko"  
belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  



	4. Chapter 4

  
This weekend (July 2-5) I'll be at Anime Expo 1998 (my first time ever!) and won't be able to post part 5 for a week at the very least. I don't have a laptop so I'm unlikely to get much writing done over this weekend. I'll be with my three anime co-conspirators, Sky Rigdon, Jeff Cornish, and Tom Hayes, so if you see us, we're the out-of-shape otaku with tee-shirts of anime characters. Should be easy to spot in the crowd. ^_^  
  
This means that I must go to bed early tomorrow night, for I get up at 4 am to make my flight. So I'm posting part 4 tonight if it kills me!  
  
Because of that, this could probably use another read-through or two, but I don't have the time. Let me know what foolish mistakes I failed to notice as a result of this rash decision. ^_^  
  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
This story will be at least 6 parts total, probably more. I have everything plotted and the first 4 parts written, plus large sections of the rest of the story. This will be a rather traditional story, not dark or serious or waffy or lemon or revisionist or alternate universe or anything. It's set near the end of the series, because Mrs. Saotome knows about Ranma and Genma... Mrs. Tendo, on the other hand, is likely to remain dead through the course of the story... other than that, I haven't thought about continuity too much.  
  
Sorry for the goofy title.  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting  
Part Four  


  
In the afternoon Nabiki stood with her friends and co-conspirators in the shadow of the school gates. Students were filing out the front doors, chatting and saying good-bye to each other for another day. She overheard snatches of conversation about the Mousse-Ranma fight planned for Saturday, and she didn't fail to notice that everyone expected another Ranma victory.  
Nabiki smiled.  
"So," she said, "will you two be there this evening?"  
The two -- Midori and Kyoko -- nodded. "What's up?" Midori asked.  
"Knowing you, this is more than a simple shopping trip," Kyoko added.  
"Quite," Nabiki responded, "but first, we have business to discuss."  
The other two nodded. "The fight."  
"Yes, the fight."  
"We've got two days to get all the betting lined up," Midori said.  
"Thanks to the intervention of your sister Akane," Kyoko added. "Did you pay her to do that?"  
"Didn't have to," Nabiki replied. "There was no time. We were just lucky."  
Kyoko nodded. "Well? How high does the handicap have to be _this time_ to draw any bets on Mousse?"  
Nabiki smiled slowly.  
"I really don't care, Kyoko. Why not use the same handicap as last time?"  
"What? If you do that, Nabiki, then all of the betting will be on Ranma."  
"Exactly. Take every bet you can get on him."  
The girl's eyes narrowed. "How are we going to cover all of those bets? I know you made a killing with Kuno today..."  
"Thanks to the miracle of duplicate photos," Nabiki said.  
"...but really, Nabiki, do you want to throw it all out the window so quickly? Or do you really think duck-boy has a chance?"  
"He's got more than a chance," Nabiki said. "He's a lock to win. This time, Ranma's going down."  
"Are you sure about that?"  
"Nabiki," Midori said, "I thought you learned a long time ago not to go against Ranma in a fight. He never loses. Or do you have a plan?"  
"Trust me on this one, girls. This time is going to be different."  
"She's got a plan, all right."  
"I should have known. What is it?"  
"Wait! Something's wrong with Ranma, isn't it?"  
Nabiki just smiled.  
"I knew it! He's stuck as a girl again isn't he? That's why he's been attending school as a girl!"  
"Stuck as a girl?" Midori said. "Hmmm, interesting, but as I recall, he still beat Mousse the first time as a girl..."  
"Just barely, and only because Tofu-Sensei intervened and turned him back to a man."  
"You're right, I remember now. We'll have to keep the good Sensei busy this time around."  
"I'm way ahead of you," Nabiki said. "It _is_ important to keep Tofu-Sensei out of this -- but not for the reasons you think."  
"Something else then?" Kyoko said. "Well, it doesn't matter, Nabiki, we trust your judgment by now. If you say Ranma's going to lose, then we believe you."  
"Okay," Midori said, "there's a rumor that Mousse has been training, so we play that up. We lower the odds because of it, which just gets more people to bet on Ranma -- as if anyone's going to bet against him after all this time. When he loses, we make a killing!"  
"I just don't know," Kyoko said. It sounds good, but what if Ranma gets better somehow? He always seems to do that at the last possible moment."  
"You leave that part to me," Nabiki said. "I'll guarantee that Ranma won't be cured before Saturday evening. Now, about tonight -- and this relates directly to the fight -- I have to warn you..."  
  


***  


  
"I'm so sorry Kasumi. Can you ever forgive me?"  
"Akane, you've said that about twenty times now. Of course I forgive you."  
Classes were over, and most of the students had left. Desks were being shoved aside with loud scrapes and clinks, and brooms kicked up dust motes which danced in the slanting sunlight streaming through the windows. Akane and Kasumi gathered their books and headed out into the hallway.  
"But the fight!" Akane said. "I set you up for a match with Mousse! I don't know what I was thinking!"  
"He was going to fight me anyway, Akane," Kasumi replied. "I'm sure you were just trying to avoid an immediate confrontation. But this was bound to happen eventually; I can't pretend to be Ranma forever without getting into a fight."  
"But Kasumi! You can't fight Mousse!"  
"I know," Kasumi said. "At least it's not for two days. This way, there's time for Ranma-kun and I to switch back. Once that's done, I'm sure Ranma-kun can handle Mousse no matter how much special training he's done."  
"_If _we find a cure, Kasumi, _if_. What if we don't?"  
Kasumi smiled. "Oh, Akane, don't worry so much! Ranma always finds a solution! Why don't we stop by Dr. Tofu's on the way home?"  
Akane nodded. "I'm sure he's found something by now."  
They met their sister at the gate. For once, Nabiki was smiling -- which in Akane's book was never a good thing.  
"Akane, thanks for your help today!" Nabiki said. "You were a godsend!"  
"Well," Akane replied, "I was just trying to keep Mousse from attacking Kasumi..."  
"Don't I know it. If he had attacked right there and then, I wouldn't have been able to arrange a single bet. Now, with two days to work with..."  
"NABIKI!" Akane yelled, "Kasumi could get hurt! Is making money all you can think about?"  
"Kasumi, get hurt?" Nabiki said skeptically. "I think not. Look, all Kasumi has to do is show up for the fight and then forfeit. I'll make my money, Kasumi won't get hurt, and we'll all be happy. I'll be sure to put in a forfeit non-refund clause in my contracts..."  
"Oh, Nabiki," Kasumi said, "must you always be so mercenary?"  
Nabiki frowned. "Sis, it's not like the dojo makes a great deal of money, you know. Father's few students and Mr. Saotome's excuse for a day job barely pay for meals, let alone repairs. If Ranma and Mr. Saotome are going to keep freeloading and causing damage to the dojo, then I'm going to keep making as much money as I can off of Ranma's fights and off of Kuno-baby's addictions. Anyway, I'm having a lot of fun doing it."  
"Oh, and if some of that money goes to new clothes and things for yourself, that's okay too?" Akane said.  
Nabiki shrugged. "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."  
"Sorry to disappoint you," Akane said, "but don't expect Kasumi to be the one in Ranma's body come Saturday. We're going to check in with Tofu-Sensei right now. I'm sure he'll find a way to fix this mess -- if he hasn't already."  
"Really?" Nabiki said. "Well, you two run along then, and I'll catch up to you at the Clinic. I have a phone call to make first."  
  


***  


  
As Nabiki approached Doctor Tofu's Clinic, she could see Kasumi -- make that Ranma, in Kasumi's body -- coming towards her from the opposite direction. She winced. Ranma was running, something that Kasumi never, never did. Someone really needed to talk to that boy... girl... whatever.  
Reaching her, Ranma said, "Nabiki! I got here as soon as I could!" She was breathing heavily from the run.  
"Good," Nabiki said. "If Tofu-Sensei's come up with anything, I'm sure you don't want to miss it."  
Inside the clinic, Mr. Panda was sweeping the floor. In the next room, they could hear Doctor Tofu talking with Akane and Ranma-chan -- make that Kasumi in Ranma-chan's body.  
"A book?" Doctor Tofu was saying. "Really? No offense, Ranma, I'm happy to lend you anything, but are you actually going to read it?"  
The door to the next room was closed. As Ranma reached to open it, Nabiki placed a hand on her shoulder. "Wait a moment," she said. "You don't want to just barge in, it wouldn't be polite. Let's stay out here and listen first."  
"Don't be silly, Tofu-Sensei!" It was Kasumi speaking. "Of course I'm going to read it! Why would I ask to borrow it otherwise?"  
"Well, okay, then, Ranma, go ahead and borrow it. Oh, I almost forgot! Take this book here as well. Ka-Ka-Kasumi called today and wanted to borrow it. Could you give it to her?"  
"Culinary Secrets Of Ancient China?" Kasumi replied. "Oh, didn't I... that is, didn't Kasumi borrow this just a month ago?"  
"Yes, she did," Doctor Tofu said. "I'm surprised you remember that, Ranma. I don't really know why she wants to borrow it again, but she wanted books on specialized cooking techniques, and this is the only one I have..."  
Nabiki glanced at Ranma, her eyes narrowing. What was Ranma up to now? It was becoming increasingly difficult for her to keep track of everything going on in the dojo. Above all, Nabiki feared lack of knowledge, for knowledge equaled control, and control was the key to being successful. She was going to have to find out what this was about, soon.  
How to do that? Well, if all else failed, she could probably just ask, but that was hardly any fun...  
She turned her attention back to the conversation in the next room. Akane was describing what had happened to Ranma and Kasumi -- without actually mentioning _who_ it had happened to, Nabiki noted. Her youngest sister wasn't entirely stupid.  
"Hmm," Doctor Tofu said, "I've done a little research since yesterday. What you're describing sounds like the legendary "Monkey Head-Bashing" technique."  
"What?" Akane said. "You mean there really _is_ a stupid technique like that?"  
There were the sounds of movement. Nabiki could imagine Doctor Tofu walking to his bookshelves and running a hand along the spines of the books. "I read about it somewhere, a long time ago. I hadn't gotten that far in my research yet, but it must have been... no... ah, here it is. Yes, this is the book."  
"You really mean that, Sensei? You can duplicate the technique?"  
"Yes. This book describes the process exactly. Now, what page was that on?"  
Nabiki took her hand off of Ranma's shoulder. "You hear that?" she said, "Doctor Tofu's got a cure! That sounds like your cue, Ranma-kun."  
Ranma needed no encouragement. She flung the door open. "Tofu-Sensei? Is this true? Can you really cure us?"  
The Doctor looked up, book in hand. His glasses instantly fogged over. "Ka... Ka... Kasumi! What an amazing coincidence that we should meet here, of all places!"  
Ranma stepped back. "Whoops," she muttered. "I forgot..."  
There was a shredding sound as the book in Dr. Tofu's hands was ripped and torn to pieces.  
"AAAAAAAIGH!" Ranma screamed.  
Nabiki held her hand up.  
"Wait, Ranma, don't go in there," she said, as if reciting a script. "Oops, too late. Oh well, what's a girl to do? I tried to stop her..."  
  


***  


  
Ranma and the entire Tendo clan were gathered in the family room at home. There was a lot to talk about. During the story of Mousse's attempted attack, and subsequent challenge, Soun nearly lost it. Then came the story of the incident at Doctor Tofu's clinic...  
  
"It's my fault," Nabiki said generously. "When I realized what was going on, I tried to stop her, but..."  
"Don't blame yourself, Nabiki," Soun said. "This whole situation has all of us confused."  
"But," Akane said, "Tofu-Sensei said the "Monkey Head-Bashing" technique actually exists! That means there's a way to figure this out yet!"  
Soun nodded his head. "The Master said as much earlier today. He knew the secret, once, but he's spent the rest of his life forgetting it. He said something like, 'a technique like that is dangerous' and 'you think I want to get stuck in someone else's body? Think again!'"  
"Well, that's true enough," Akane replied. "I know I'm not eager to switch bodies with anyone."  
"Why not?" Ranma countered. "Switching into my body would certainly improve your looks."  
"RANMA!" Akane yelled, jumping to her feet. Soun leapt to her side, grabbing her arms.  
"No! Remember, no one is to hit Kasumi's body!"  
Akane sighed, and nodded. "That hardly seems fair, though," she said, sitting down.  
"Now," Soun said, "as for this fight you accidentally arranged, if a cure cannot be found before Saturday, then Kasumi will have to forfeit."  
"Forfeit!" Ranma yelled, leaping to his feet. "But that would mean Mousse would win!"  
"I understand that," Soun replied, "but Kasumi..."  
"No," Ranma said. "First of all, Mousse is a martial artist. He's honorable; he won't just accept a forfeit."  
"I don't know about that, Ranma," Akane said. "Mousse has always seemed willing to do anything to reach his goal. If it means getting Shampoo, I don't think there's anything too low for him to stoop to."  
"Don't worry, Kasumi," Ranma said, completely ignoring Akane's words. "I'll help you train for this."  
"Ranma!" Akane yelled. "We don't want Kasumi fighting at all!"  
"Well," Ranma said, "it won't hurt to train. I want her to keep my body in good shape after all."  
"Actually," Kasumi said, "a little training would be kind of fun. I did some of your katas this morning, and it felt good. And Ranma's right, I should keep her body in shape for as long as I'm in it."  
Soun nodded. "That sounds good," he said. "You know, I was always a little disappointed that you and Nabiki stopped practicing. Training with Ranma will help in your attempt to act and sound like him. In the meantime, Saotome and I will try to find out more about how to switch you and Ranma back. If it can't be done by Saturday, you can still forfeit the match."  
"She's not going to forfeit the match!" Ranma said forcefully. "We're going to find out how to switch back before that!"  
"Ranma!" Akane yelled. "You aren't concerned about Kasumi at all! All you're concerned about is your precious reputation, and your so-called engagement with that Chinese bimbo!"  
"I didn't say that!"  
"Ranma-kun, is this true?" Soun said darkly.  
"Hey! Shampoo's got nothing to do with this!" Ranma sat back down. "Just get me back in my own body, okay? Let me take on Mousse. I can handle him."  
Akane glared at Ranma in anger, then her face suddenly brightened. She looked past Ranma, to the side of the room which opened onto the koi pond. "Oh, look!" she exclaimed, "It's P-Chan!"  
Squealing in delight, the tiny black pig with the black and yellow bandanna made a careful detour around Ranma and then ran to Akane's outstretched arms.  
"Great," Ranma said. "Just what we need."  
"Ranma, be nice!"  
"Hey P-Chan," Ranma said. "Where have you been wandering lately? You get lost in Australia again?"  
"Australia?" Akane said. "What are you talking about? How could he get to Australia? He's just a pig, Ranma! It's not like he's Ryoga or anything!"  
"If you say so," Ranma replied, pointedly looking away.  
Akane hugged the pig to her chest. "Oh, P-Chan, I've missed you so! Have you been a good boy? We'll find something for you to eat right away!"  
The pig was watching Ranma and Kasumi very intently. *Well, what do you know?* Ranma thought, *I do believe pig-boy has figured it out, after all...*  
"When do you want to train?" Kasumi asked Ranma. "Dinner isn't for a couple of hours yet."  
Ranma shrugged. "We can start anytime," he said.  
"Don't forget, Ranma-kun," Nabiki said, "I promised to take you shopping."  
"Oh, yeah," Ranma said. "Well, okay, as long as it doesn't take too long..."  
"Ranma! You just said you'd help Kasumi train!"  
"That's okay, Akane," Kasumi said. "I'm sure you and father can help. It's not as if Ranma's the only martial artist in the dojo, you know, and I do have a lot to learn."  
  


***  


  
Nabiki and Ranma rode the subway into downtown Tokyo. That, in itself, was an amazing thing, since it had never happened before. But then, Ranma had never been trapped in Kasumi's body before, which allowed for all sorts of interesting things to happen.  
Or so thought Nabiki Tendo. Her wallet was fat with Kuno's money, she looked forward to an even bigger payday Saturday, and she was in an unusually upbeat mood. Anything was possible on a night like tonight, and whatever it might be, she'd have it on film.  
Nabiki had dressed sharply for the trip into town. Ranma, on the other hand, was wearing one of Kasumi's around-the-house dresses, minus the apron. Nabiki shook her head. The boy was hopeless.  
"Thanks for doing this, Nabiki," Ranma said. She played with the hem of her dress nervously, her eyes darting about the train, as if someone might appear at any moment, point at her, and yell, 'It's Ranma in a dress! Everybody, look!"  
Nabiki smiled. Ranma was such an insecure girl/boy, and so much fun to tease.  
"Hey, no problem at all, Ranma-kun. Anything for my favorite would-be brother/sister-in-law. I know this whole situation must be hard on you."  
"To tell you the truth, Nabiki, I'm a little bit surprised that you would do this for me. Especially without charging me for it.'  
Nabiki feigned shock. "Ranma, what do you take me for? I'm hardly as mercenary as people seem to think. Sometimes I do things just because I want to. It makes me feel good to be able to help you out, and it should be fun as well."  
*And I made a killing with pictures of your body today,* she thought to herself. *You still don't know that you dated and even kissed Kuno only last night.*  
For a moment, Nabiki contemplated what might happen when Ranma _did_ find out. That was reason enough to be nice to Ranma, to put Ranma a little in her debt. Nabiki would be better able to defend herself when the time came. In any case, she'd vowed to give Ranma one percent of the day's profits, so it was hardly like she was spending her own money.  
Their stop rang out as the train came to another halt. They got off and headed up to street level.  
"Anyway, Nabiki, I really appreciate this..."  
"Nabiki! Kasumi!"  
Two sharply-dressed young women stood on the street corner, waving. Ranma groaned as he recognized the two as Nabiki's school friends, Midori and Kyoko.  
"What are you two doing here in downtown Tokyo?" Midori said. "Shopping?"  
Nabiki nodded. "Just a short trip to pick up some new clothes for my sister."  
"Really? Mind if we tag along?"  
"Um..." Ranma began. This was exactly what she'd feared would happen if she tried to go out in public as Kasumi.  
"No problem!" Nabiki said. "Sis, you know my two friends, Kyoko and Midori? Of course you do!"  
"S-Sure..." Ranma said, a sweatdrop appearing at the side of her head.  
Kyoko was eyeing her critically. "My, Kasumi, new clothes? I guess I can see why. Is that the best dress you have? You should dress up more for a trip downtown, don't you think?"  
"Um..."  
"Well," Nabiki said, "Oneechan has dresses, but none that she felt like wearing..."  
"Oh, that's too bad!" Midori said. "Lots of clothing, but nothing to wear? I know how you feel! A new dress will help, definitely. We'll help you find one that's just right!"  
"Actually, I..."  
"That wasn't what we had planned," Nabiki said, "but you're right, Kasumi really deserves something nicer to wear. What the heck, Sis, go for it."  
"I really don't think we can afford to..."  
"Don't worry, Sis! It's my treat, remember? You just relax, smile and look pretty, and let Midori, Kyoko and I take care of everything."  
Nabiki smiled to herself. Yes, it was true: not everything she did was for profit. Some things she did simply for the entertainment value, and the evening promised to be entertaining indeed.  
  


***  


  
"We should train as if you're really going to fight Mousse," Akane said. She stood, opposite Kasumi, dressed in her yellow gi. Kasumi, wearing Ranma's red Chinese top and black pants, watched her younger sister uncertainly.  
"Fight Mousse?" she said. "I don't know, Akane... fighting is just so... so violent!"  
"Oneechan, I know you're not really going to fight him," Akane said, "but it's good to have a goal in mind while training. Anyway, training will benefit Ranma's body. Once you switch back with Ranma, he's going to have to face Mousse, so we want his body to be ready for that. Okay?"  
Kasumi nodded uncertainly.  
"Okay, then! Prepare yourself!"  
Akane advanced and threw several quick, light punches, which Kasumi dodged easily. Akane frowned. "Not bad, Sis," she said, and redoubled her efforts, throwing punches that actually had some speed and strength behind them. Again Kasumi dodged them, just as Ranma might have.  
Akane paused, watching her sister. "Sis, how are you doing that? You've never learned to dodge like that!"  
"I don't know, Akane," Kasumi said. "I'm just doing what seems the most natural. It just comes to me, almost before I see your attack."  
"Those are Ranma's reflexes," Akane said. "Hmmm, I wonder how much of Ranma's skill you really have access to?"  
"I have no idea, but when I practiced this morning, I found myself doing some of Ranma's own kata. I've never studied more than the simple ones that Father taught me."  
"Okay," Akane said, "I'm going to try and hit you for real. We'll see how good you really are. Ready?"  
Kasumi nodded.  
The punches and kicks came fast and furious. Akane had been sparring with Ranma for a while now, and had been improving steadily. She was still a fighter with more brute strength than finesse, and she would never be as fast as Ranma, but she was becoming very, very good, maybe even good enough to surprise Ukyo, or Kodachi, or perhaps even Shampoo.  
She liked to think so, at least.  
Amazingly, Kasumi was able to dodge or block almost every blow. Akane landed a couple of punches, and then a solid kick slipped through her sister's defenses and Kasumi went flying.  
"Oneechan! Are you okay?"  
Kasumi winced as she sat up, rubbing her side. Then she gave a sudden and very warm smile. "Wow, Akane, that was fun! I almost felt like I knew what I was doing, like a real martial artist!"  
"Kasumi," Akane said, "Ranma would have blocked everything. On the other hand, you're already fighting as if you've studied for several years. I don't know quite how you do it, but I'm really impressed."  
"As am I," a powerful voice said. "But that's not good enough, if you're going to face Mousse."  
Akane glanced at the entrance to the dojo. "Ryoga!" She exclaimed.  
The itinerant martial artist inclined his head. "Good evening, Akane, Miss Kasumi. If you and Akane don't mind, I think I could be of some help."  
Akane's eyes boggled. "You know?"  
"Never mind how I know," Ryoga said. "If Kasumi is going to fight Mousse, then she's going to need my help. Mousse is an exceptional opponent, and while Kasumi may have Ranma's strength and speed, she has none of his knowledge or experience."  
"She's not actually going to fight him, you know," Akane said.  
"Perhaps," Ryoga admitted, "but as long as she's in that body, she's in danger of being drawn into a fight. It's best to be prepared."  
He stepped into the dojo, walking easily, and took a position opposite Kasumi. "Would you allow me to train you, Tendo Kasumi?" he asked.  
  


***  


  
"You can't seriously expect me to wear that," Ranma said. "Not even for a moment."  
Ranma was in a changing booth in an upscale department store, wearing nothing but socks and underwear. Outside the booth stood Nabiki Tendo, holding up a strapless evening dress of silk and crushed velvet.  
"Why not?" Nabiki replied. "Isn't it beautiful?"  
"I'm not going to buy it, that's why!"  
"Tsk, tsk. Isn't it fun to try on something luxurious that you know you can't afford? Please, _Kasumi Oneechan_, just let us see you in it for a few moments."  
Nabiki glanced over her shoulder, where her two friends stood waiting. Ranma ground her teeth slowly. "Is this something Kasumi would do?" he whispered, knowing the answer.  
"You got it, Sis."  
"I gotta do it because Kasumi would do it, then?"  
"My, what a sharp mind you have!"  
Ranma glared at Nabiki, saying nothing.  
  
Two or three dozen outfits later (at least, it seemed like that many), Ranma was ready to give up on the promised pants, if only she could get out of this impromptu fashion show. She stepped back into the booth and got undressed _yet again_, but when she looked around for the dress she'd worn into the store, it was nowhere to be seen.  
She peeked through the curtain. Nabiki and the budding fashion critics were busy selecting yet another ensemble for her to try on.  
"Hey!" Ranma called out. "What did you do with my clothes? I'm tired of playing fashion model."  
"Your clothes?" Midori feigned innocence.  
"Come, Kasumi," Kyoko said. "How do you expect to attract any attention in that frumpy old thing? No wonder you don't have a husband yet!"  
"Husband! I'm not trying to attract..."  
"Kasumi Oneechan," Nabiki said, "the girls have a point. I really can't let my own sister walk around town like that, can I?"  
"Like what?"  
"Come on, Kasumi, we're out on the town. You need to wear something a little more interesting than what you wear around the house."  
"Look, Kasumi," Nabiki said, "I don't want to hold my own sister hostage, but you're not getting your own clothes back until we get home. Either you walk out of here with only what you have on now, or you pick out something more appropriate for downtown shopping. Something dressy, but not too frilly, mind you. Okay?"  
  


***  


  
Ryoga sat on the floor of the dojo, rubbing his chin. Kasumi and Akane hovered over him protectively.  
"I'm so sorry, Ryoga!" Kasumi said. "I don't even know how or why I did that! Are you okay?"  
Ryoga laughed.  
"That's the same punch Ranma always used to nail me with," he said. "I should have blocked it, but I didn't really expect it to come from you. My fault, of course." He got back up and shook himself. "I'm fine, Kasumi," he said. "It takes a great deal more than one lucky punch to keep me down. But I see what Akane was saying about you having Ranma's reflexes. With enough training, you might become nearly as good as Ranma was. I'd be willing to bet that, in time, you could make Ranma's instincts your own; all you'd really lack is the head-knowledge."  
"Do you really think so?" Kasumi asked, wonderingly. She stared at her hands for a moment, forming two fists with them. "I wonder..."  
"Unfortunately," Ryoga said, "we've only got two days. Since it's best to assume that you might have to fight Mousse, let's concentrate on what you need to be able to do to defeat him, or at least, to hold your own."  
"Oh... okay."  
"For starters," Ryoga said, "I... ah, Miss Kasumi, I... well, I mean, you won't be able to defeat Mousse at all as a woman."  
"Oh. Oh, I... see."  
"Sis, it's true," Akane said. "Even Ranma couldn't do it. His first encounter with Mousse was during the time he had the full-bodied cat-tongue pressure point applied by Cologne. If it weren't for Tofu-Sensei, who applied a temporary counter-pressure point, Ranma would have lost!"  
"I see," Kasumi said. "I remember, now that you mention it. Well, I guess that can't be helped, then. But do I have to train as a man? I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, yet, and I... I mean, I'm not really going to fight Mousse, am I?"  
"That remains to be seen," Ryoga said. "It's probably best if you didn't, to be honest; he'd probably take you apart. But all we're concerned with at the moment is training, and at some point you'll need to train in Ranma's male body, just so you get a feeling for the differences in strength and balance. But for what I need to show you now, I think you'll be just fine as is."  
  


***  


  
Nabiki stared at the bags swinging from Ranma's hands, wondering about the book.  
She'd spent rather more than she'd intended, but Ranma had actually been a pretty good sport back in the department store, so Nabiki had felt guilty and splurged a little. Along with the lovely lavender dress that Ranma was currently wearing, Nabiki had paid for a second dress, two pairs of nice, feminine pants, three tops, and a pair of loose, wide-legged shorts. Add in a stop at an ice cream parlor (which had cheered Ranma up considerably) and the book, and Nabiki could literally feel the yen slipping through her fingers. And she'd felt so rich only two hours ago. Well, Ranma was going to be in her debt big-time now, and that was always a useful thing.  
The book. Ranma had insisted on picking it up, and Nabiki, still feeling a bit guilty, had agreed to pay for it. It was a cookbook, and not a simple one either, but one with some rather elaborate recipes. Nabiki frowned. Ranma was still operating under the mistaken impression that Midori and Kyoko didn't know who she really was, but buying a cookbook was taking the Kasumi act just a little bit too far. She'd borrowed that odd cookbook from Doctor Tofu as well. Once again, Nabiki sensed that she was in the dark about something big, and vowed to uncover this latest secret.  
  
"Hey, look!" Midori said. "It's that new upscale bath house! Ooh, do you think we have time to go in?"  
A smile began to spread across Nabiki's face.  
"I don't see why not," she replied. "Nodoka and Akane are making dinner tonight, so we're not in any real hurry."  
"I don't think..." Ranma began.  
"Oh, come on, Kasumi," Kyoko said. "When's the last time you were in a public bath? At least, when that dirty old man wasn't there too?"  
"Please, Kasumi," Midori chimed in. "It'll be fun! It's supposed to be really spectacular inside too!"  
"But I don't really want to..."  
"Come on, Kasumi Oneechan, it's only for a short time," Nabiki said.   
Nabiki could see the look of desperation in Ranma's eyes, but after having paid for all those clothes, two parfaits, and a rather expensive cookbook, she was feeling less generous. She'd brought Ranma downtown to have some fun, and the small amount of teasing she and her friends had had in the department store was really not enough. True, the money was coming from the sale of pictures of Ranma, but Nabiki felt she was owed a bit more entertainment for her yen.  
Not that this would be half the entertainment of a Ranma-Happosai bath-fu rumble, mind you, but you just didn't get that kind of entertainment every day, even at the Tendo-ke.  
*Besides,* she thought, *this took too much work to set up.* She'd had to convince her two friends that A) Ranma currently really was 100% female, B) Ranma had been female so often that she hardly reacted to the sight of naked female flesh in the manner of a typical teenage boy, and C) Ranma would be more embarrassed than any of them, far too embarrassed, really, to notice them at all.   
"Please, Kasumi Oneechan," Nabiki said. "Don't ruin the evening for the rest of us. I've done several favors for you already today; the least you could do is go along on this one little request. Besides, it's nothing you haven't done before, you know."  
Before Ranma could think of a good response to that one, The three girls had steered her inside.  


  
***  


  
Kasumi entered the bathroom, sweat dripping from her brow. What a workout that had been! Her entire body was drained of energy, sore, and bruised, but despite all of that she felt pretty good.  
*How strange! Is this what Akane and Ranma feel like every night?*  
She'd sparred with Akane, and then with Ryoga. It was clear that Ryoga, especially, had pulled his punches. Still, Kasumi had managed to do pretty well, in her own estimation. The correct dodges and blocks came to her naturally, without even thinking, as they probably did for Ranma-kun himself.  
Despite her tired limbs, Kasumi felt a power and a confidence unlike anything she'd experienced before. She felt good. She felt wonderful, in fact.  
Kasumi would never have admitted it to anyone, but sometimes she watched Akane, or especially, Ranma, and wished that she could do some of the things they did. To be a martial artist... she'd quit training years ago, while she still young. Even then it had been obvious that Akane was the best martial artist of the three Tendo girls, and would be the one to carry on the Tendo legacy, while Kasumi had already taken to following her mother everywhere and attempting to do everything her mother did. Training became boring, a chore that Father forced her to do, and she worried about being too violent; it wasn't in her nature to be that way. Then she had became, at still a young age, not only a full-time student but also the woman of the household, the substitute mother. School, homework, cooking and cleaning left her no time to train.  
She enjoyed keeping the house running, keeping it tidy, taking care of everyone, cooking for them, making them happy. But a small part of her, very small, regretted not continuing in the art.  
Now, through some weird fluke of magic or esoteric martial arts, she was the martial artist a part of her had wished to become. She was no real match for Akane, let alone Ryoga or Mousse, but they were all quite exceptional, and already Kasumi was nearly at their level. She was a far better martial artist than anyone with her meager training had a right to be.  
How much better could she become? Good enough to hold her own, at least defensively, in a fight? Not that she wanted to fight, but Ryoga's words echoed in her mind -- in this body, she couldn't avoid fighting forever.  
A very small part of her wanted to know -- could she actually take on Mousse? Her newfound strength and speed bred a sort of confidence, even an arrogance. She understood Ranma better now, the way he acted.  
She stripped out of her clothes and paused to look at herself in the wall mirror. This was Ranma's body -- Ranma's girl body, at any rate. It was shorter, and three years younger, but far more powerful than her own.  
*What if I'm stuck this way forever?* she thought, perhaps for the first time. Her confidence in Ranma's ability to solve any problem was beginning to waver. What if?  
Perhaps the most horrifying thing about the thought was that it wasn't actually horrifying at all. Granted, she would be much, much more comfortable with this body if it were always female, but there were ways to do that, as Ranma had discovered not too long ago. If worse came to worse, and she were stuck in this body, it would not really be so bad. This was a good body. She could get used to it.  
But poor Ranma! Not only would he be losing his manhood, his fiancee, and three years from his life, but he would be losing the one thing that had always been there for him: his art. That would devastate him, Kasumi was certain of that.  
She heard a noise outside, and then the door slid aside, revealing a naked Ryoga, clutching a towel and basket of toiletries.  
Ryoga froze. "Ranma?" His face went beet-red.   
"Ryoga!" Kasumi exclaimed, covering herself. "You should knock first!"  
Ryoga's face turned twice as red as he realized who it really was standing before him. He turned and fled, slamming the door shut behind him and leaving drops of blood on the tiles. "I'm sorry!" he yelled over his shoulder. "I'm sorry! I forgot! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"  
Kasumi sat down on the stool and sighed. What had she just been thinking? Ranma-kun's life was far too complicated for anyone else to live it. She certainly didn't want to be the one to try. She wanted her own body back, and as soon as possible...  
  


***  


  
Ranma was glad to be walking down familiar streets, drawing closer to the Tendo Dojo. The evening was nearly over, and she would be able to drop the Kasumi act and get out of this stupid dress. She hadn't really anticipated being "in character" for the entire evening, but fate had determined otherwise. It couldn't be helped, but at least she'd pulled it off without arousing suspicions.  
She was rather proud of that fact. The short fashion show and, especially, the public bath had been embarrassing, but they were things that Kasumi would not have thought twice about. In the company of Nabiki's friends, who only saw and heard Kasumi, she had to do everything the way Kasumi would do it. Of course, she'd tried o talk her way out of the bath house, using every conceivable excuse that might be applicable for Kasumi, but it had been useless. Nabiki was as skilled at word interplay and argument as Ranma was at throwing punches. Still, she'd survived, with most of her dignity intact, and she had new clothes and a new cookbook to show for it, not to mention their stop at the ice cream parlor.  
"Well," Midori said as the reached the gates of the Tendo-ke, "it's been a really fun night!  
"Good night, Midori, Kyoko," Nabiki said. Ranma echoed the sentiments in her best shiny-happy Kasumi voice.  
"Good night, Nabiki," Kyoko said. "See you at school tomorrow! Good night, Ranma!"  
"Yes," Midori said, as the two ran off. "Good night, Ranma! We had fun!"  
Ranma was through the gate and almost to the front door of the house before their words fully registered. Good night... Ranma?"  
She stopped. She turned to glare at Nabiki.  
"Those two... they both knew!"  
"Well of course they did," Nabiki said matter-of-factly. "I told them at school today. Oh," she put a hand to her mouth in mock surprise, "did I forget to mention that little fact, Ranma? I'm sorry! How forgetful of me!"  
Nabiki's eyes went wide as she saw her older sister begin to glow with a bright blue battle aura. She ducked inside and slammed the door shut, and was halfway up the stairs before she heard Ranma yelling.  
"NABIKI!!!!!"  
  


***  
End Part Four  


  
Sorry for the stupid title.  
  
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back! Write something different!  
  
Thanks to everyone who's written to me. Hi to KaraOhki, Joseph Palmer, Ukyo Kunoji... the beginings of this story came after I read her "Floating Soul", although I could have just as easily borrowed from _Kimagure Orange Road, _or Gilligan's Island, or...?  
  
Enjoy! And if you don't, write me anyway!  
  
M.A. Davis aka "Miko"  
belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

  
It's taken me a while to get part 5 together. My apologies, and I hope it was worth waiting for.  
  
This section is pretty long. As usual, I'm releasing it against better judgment... I could stand to go through it once or twice, but I'm sick of looking at it. Feel free to pound on me for any and all errors because of this. ^_^  
  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
This story will be more than 6 parts total. Probably 8 at this point. I have sections of the rest of the story written -- my method of writing is not linear; I tend to write the first scene that occurs to me, and as scenes accumulate I string them together and put them in some semblance of order, and at some point I go back to the beginning and start writing from there, filling in everything that I haven't already written yet and working out all of kinks and problems.  
  
Sorry for the goofy title.  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting  
Part Five  


  
By Friday, Ranma had settled into a routine. Routines were easy for the martial artist; they required no thought, just action. You performed a kata over and over, until it was as natural as walking, and as calming as meditation. That was how you learned martial arts.  
In this case, Ranma's katas were different. She got up in the morning and prepared breakfast. That was a kata. She assembled lunches for the three students. That was another kata. She went upstairs to make the beds, and gather up the dirty laundry. Everything was a kata -- hanging the laundry to dry, sweeping, scrubbing the floor of the bath. It was all martial arts of a sort, when you got down to it. That was the essence of "Anything Goes" martial arts: life was martial arts. It all depended on how you looked at it.  
It was no wonder Kasumi was so good at what she did; for she was a martial artist by birth and training. Nabiki, too, approached finance with the attention and determination of a true martial artist. It was the youngest Tendo, Akane, the 'actual' martial artist, who had the weakest grasp on what "Anything Goes" martial arts was really about.  
That was how Ranma saw it, at least. *If only Akane could figure this out,* Ranma thought to herself, as she washed the dishes, *maybe she wouldn't be such a klutz, or such a bad cook. All it takes is concentration.*  
The day passed quickly. Nodoka arrived, but only to watch Ranma work, and talk; already she had little need to provide instructions. Her son/daughter learned quickly.  
  
"When is your father going to find a way to reverse this situation?" she asked over tea.  
"I have no idea," Ranma replied, "but I'm not holding my breath. Kasumi and I will have to find our own solution."  
Nodoka looked irritated. "Doesn't he realize that, as long as this continues, you can't wed Akane?"  
A sweatdrop appeared on Ranma's head. "I, uh... think he's got that part down," she said quietly.  
"Well I wish he'd do something about it. The family's honor is at stake."  
Ranma said nothing, knowing that some of her mother's statements were set in stone and not meant to be discussed. As far as she was concerned, any marriage should wait until Akane and Ranma's high school graduation, at the very least. She was pretty sure Akane felt the same way.  
"So, how are you dealing with this?" Nodoka asked.  
Ranma fidgeted. "I don't know... I guess I'm okay."  
Nodoka's hand drifted to the family sword which lay on the table. She still carried the thing just about everywhere she went, which made Ranma nervous, and absolutely terrified her father. "Ranma," she said, "your father is a master of running from his problems. I would hope you've learned better than to imitate him."  
"What do you mean?" Ranma asked, confused.  
"I mean it's obvious, even to me, when something's bothering you, but you hide your thoughts and emotions and pretend to shrug it all off. I'm sure your father taught you that, but I am your mother. If you can't tell me what's wrong, who can you tell?  
"Now, tell me again. How are you dealing with this?"  
Ranma swallowed, and stared off into the distance for a long time. Nodoka waited patiently. Patience was something her son didn't get a lot of, which was certainly part of the problem.  
Finally Ranma spoke.  
"I don't know," she said, "it's just... well, I don't want to be stuck this way, of course. But when I don't think about it, it's really not so bad... and I think that scares me the most.  
"Other than that, I guess I miss school. Not the homework, so much, but just being around friends... what few friends I have, anyway. It's not like I have anyone to talk to around here; Kasumi's only real friends are the other women in the neighborhood, and I don't have anything in common with them."  
She began flexing her hands, forming fists over and over. "I'm even starting to miss my battles with Ryoga, and Mousse, and even Kuno, if you can believe that. I don't mind a fight now and then, and Ryoga always keeps the pressure on me to work hard and improve. I need to keep my edge. I don't want to be like Pops, and never reach my full potential."  
"You _will_ reach your potential," Nodoka said authoritatively. "You have honor, and courage. If your father did one thing right, he taught you to never give up. I'm not sure how he accomplished that -- I suppose by providing an example of what not to do -- but however you learned it, I'm glad you did. But I think there are some things I can teach you, too."  
"Yeah," Ranma said, glad to be on more concrete footing. "I've been meaning to ask you about that... can you teach me to cook better?"  
Nodoka frowned. "You're already a decent cook, Ranma."  
"No," Ranma said, "I mean like you or Kasumi. Aren't there any special tricks, or maneuvers, or whatever? Is there some secret technique that makes the food taste better?"  
Nodoka looked very perplexed. "Special tricks? Secret techniques? Son, cooking is _not_ martial arts!"  
"Everything's martial arts!" Ranma insisted.  
` Nodoka digested this for a moment. "Well, given your upbringing, I guess that makes sense to you. But Ranma... _why_ do you want to cook like me or Kasumi? You are my _son_, not my daughter! You are _not _going to become someone's wife!"  
"What? Mom, that's sick! What makes you think I'd want to do that?"  
"Well? Surely you don't plan on becoming a Chef?"  
"No! Of course not!"  
"Thank goodness for that! Your destiny is to take over and run the Tendo Dojo, and don't you forget it! This situation you're in isn't permanent, you know, so why do you want to be a better cook?"  
"Well, I know that, but... I mean, it's probably a good idea that I know how to cook. You know, for my own safety."  
"Don't be ridiculous, Ranma. When you have your own body back, and are wed Akane, she will cook for you."  
"Mom, if I let that klutz cook she'll poison me!"  
"Ranma Saotome! That is no way to speak of your fiancée!"  
` "But it's true!"  
"It is _not_ true, and I will _not_ allow you to speak that way of Akane in my presence."  
"I... Mother, I'm sorry, but Akane is a really awful cook. Even you must have realized that by now."  
Nodoka sighed.  
"Son, Akane tries very hard to do well. I think she tries _too_ hard, and that leads to mistakes. She's young still, and she doesn't get a lot of practice, what with Kasumi here. But surely you've noticed that she's improving? She'll get there eventually, my son; you just have to give her time."  
"Geez, Mom, I'll be ninety-seven before she gets it right, if I live that long on her toxic cooking..."  
"Ranma!" Nodoka said, and there was anger in her voice. "Is this how your father raised you? You've become a remarkable martial artist, but a less than stellar human being. You have honor, but you don't know how to relate to others. Calling people names and insulting them is _not_ the way for a young man to behave. You only hurt others by what you say and do. This is exactly what I was talking about... you hide your feelings behind insults, just as your father hides in his panda form rather than face his problems like a man."  
"Ah, Mom, I'm nothing like my old man..."  
"You're more like him than you realize," Nodoka said. "He can't express his feelings, and neither can you."  
"But that's not my fault! I'm just no good at feelings and stuff!"  
"That much is obvious."  
"Yeah, well, I can't help it or nothing. It's like you said... I just inherited it from Pops."  
"No. I did _not_ say that. You _learned _it from him, and you can _unlearn_ it. Ranma, learning to deal with other people is like learning martial arts... you need to practice every day. Do you understand?"  
"You mean... I gotta practice being nice to people?"  
"That's right, and to Akane, especially. Think of it as another form of martial arts, if you must. You seem to understand that approach. Every morning, you should practice being nice, as if it were one of your katas. Now, are you at least willing to try that, for my sake?"  
Ranma looked down at her tea, which had grown cold. "S-Sure, Mom. I guess I can try."  
"Good. Now, you still haven't explained to me why you want to cook as well as Kasumi or I. Frankly, I'm glad you've adapted to the current situation well, for the Tendo's sake at any rate. But I fear you're adapting _too_ well."  
"It's nothing like that," Ranma said. "It's a matter of honor. I challenged Happosai..."  
  
After hearing the story, Nodoka sighed. "Oh, my son, whenever I look at you, I marvel at how much of a man you've become, how much more honorable and more intelligent than your father you are. And then you do something stupid like this..."  
"Hey! He was insulting my cooking!"  
"My apologies, Son, but it's an exceptionally stupid challenge. Cook like Kasumi in three days? What were you thinking? How can you possibly expect to win?"  
She stood up. "Well, if I'm to train you, then we'll start now. Do you know what you want to make for lunch?"  
  


***  


  
"Ranma! You're still a girl!"  
Kasumi was weaving her way through the crowded school hallway, heading for Ranma and Akane's home room, when the voice interrupted her thoughts. Glancing up, she found Ranma's friend, Hitoshi, staring at her.  
"Yes," she said, "is that a problem?"  
"Oh, no!" Hitoshi said, holding up his hands. "It's just that... well, don't take this the wrong way, I mean, I really like seeing you this way, but... you're not going to fight Mousse as a girl are you?"  
"Oh, my, of course not," Kasumi said, with a confidence she really didn't feel.  
"Oh good!" Hitoshi said, smiling in relief. "I've got a lot of money riding on you, you know!"  
"Yeah, me too!"  
Kasumi suddenly realized that she was at the center of a ring of boys, mostly from Ranma's home room. She wasn't used to getting so much attention; it made her a bit nervous.  
"I bet two week's lunch money on you, Ranma!"  
"I've got a month's allowance riding on you!"  
"We're counting on you, Ranma! Don't let us down!"  
Kasumi leaned back against the lockers, suddenly feeling faint. She was already under pressure trying to keep Ranma's dignity and reputation intact, but... she hadn't quite realized that so many people were depending on her to fight and win Saturday. What would happen if she didn't win? What would happen if she didn't even fight?  
"Oh, dear..." she said. "This is getting worse by the day..."  
"What is?"  
Kasumi smiled at Hitoshi. "Oh, nothing. I'm glad you have faith in me, Hitoshi, and everyone. That's so sweet! But, you know, one of these days I might actually lose..."  
"What, you? Don't make us laugh, Ranma!"  
"Yeah, Ranma. You're the best anyone's ever seen! You even beat that old panty freak on a regular basis!"  
Kasumi smiled wanly. It was hard for her to argue the point, since she was pretty much in awe of Ranma's talent herself. But she wasn't Ranma, despite outward appearances. She wasn't even close. Come Saturday, everyone was bound to find that out.  
  


***  


  
Genma Saotome set the plate down, having polished every last morsel from it's surface. He patted his stomach and burped contentedly.  
"Well?" Ranma asked, arms crossed.  
"you keep getting better, son. Every meal is an improvement over the last. I haven't been so well fed in ages."  
"And?"  
"You had your mother's help on this one?"  
"I coached him," Nodoka said, seated nearby. "Ranma did all of the cooking himself."  
"And?" Ranma said, arms still crossed. She tapped her foot impatiently.  
Genma sighed. "You're still not as good as Kasumi, boy."  
"In what way?"  
"I... I can't put it into words, but I can taste the difference. Maybe the master is right on this one."  
"Give it up, son!" Soun cried. "You can't be good at everything! Give up, before you embarrass yourself even further!"  
"Never!" Ranma yelled. "I can lick this yet!"  
Soun Tendo burst into tears. "But son, you're cooking me out of house and home! I can't afford this challenge of yours!"  
"Don't worry Mr. Tendo! Just think how much you'll save on buying underwear for Akane!"  
"That's only if you win, Ranma! Only if you win!"  
"I can win!" Ranma declared. "I ain't gonna lose! You gotta trust me, Mr. Tendo! I just need to find the right recipe..."  
Nodoka got a pained look on her face. "Son," she said, "I'm glad that you're so persistent, unlike others I could mention, but Tendo-san is correct. Sometimes you just can't win. You need to recognize when you've reached that point, and surrender gracefully."  
"No way, mom! I've got two days left! I can do this!"  
Genma got up and wandered towards the kitchen. "There's more food, isn't there?" he said.  
"Lots more," Ranma replied. "I got a little carried away..."  
"That's no problem, boy!" Genma said happily. "I'm sure we'll find a way to keep it from going to waste!"  
"It's hopeless!" Soun Tendo cried. "I'm ruined... poor Kasumi!"  
"Cheer up, Mr. Tendo!" Ranma said. "Everything will work out, you'll see. Look on the bright side, at least the dojo hasn't been destroyed in a while!"  
The nearby wall exploded in a hail of wood and plaster. "Nihao!" Shampoo called out, stepping through the gaping hole. She held one of her bonbori in one hand, and a ramen box in the other. She set the box down, looking around. "Ranma not here?" she asked.  
Everyone looked at Ranma. Ranma smiled.  
"Oh my," Ranma said, in his best imitation Kasumi voice. "Ranma's still at school, Shampoo!"  
The Chinese girl snapped her fingers. "Is true! Shampoo forget! If Shampoo hurry, is still time to give him special ramen!"  
  


***  


  
"Nabiki Tendo, how are you this fair day?"  
"Kuno-baby, how's it going? Looking for new pictures?" Nabiki produced a set from her desk. She'd been busy the last few days, snapping every picture she could of Ranma-chan in feminine clothing. She planned on taking enough to last a while.  
At the moment, her future-brother-in-law-slash-older-sister was nearby, trying to explain to a certain purple-haired girl that she'd already eaten lunch, and didn't have room for more. *Poor Shampoo,* Nabiki thought. *The real Ranma would have downed Kasumi's lunch, a meal from Ukyo, and still had room for Shampoo's ramen. The boy's a bottomless pit.*  
Kuno was studying the pictures with unconcealed lust. "Oh! More glimpses of her feminine side! Such unparalleled beauty! So strong, and yet so fragile!"  
"Yeah," Nabiki said, "I thought You'd like them."  
Kuno slapped down his money, never taking his eyes off the pictures.  
"Her manner to me has changed significantly since our date," he said. "I know now, finally, that she truly does love me."  
"You do?"  
"Indeed. When she struck me this morning, it was a far lighter punch than ever I felt from her before. I was knocked back a mere fifty feet."  
"If that's not true love, Kuno, I don't know what is," Nabiki said, rolling her eyes.  
"Yes. But now I must turn my attention to Akane Tendo, and for this, I fear I must seek your help."  
"Sorry, Kuno, I don't have any photos of my sister today. I can get some by tomorrow, if you like."  
"It is not mere photos that I seek," Kuno said, then paused. "Although I would not say no to a new set of pictures of the fair Akane..."  
"I didn't think you would."  
"...but what I seek at the moment, Nabiki Tendo, is your advice."  
Nabiki arched an eyebrow. The strange boy with the bokken fetish was leaning over her desk, a look of utter seriousness on his face -- not that she'd ever known Kuno to joke about anything. "Okay, Kuno-baby. The meter's running, so start talking. What's on your mind?"  
"It is not in my nature to ask of others advice on how I might conduct my business, especially in affairs of the heart. To stoop so low is not worthy of the noble samurai. However, I find myself at an impasse, the likes of which I find impossible to traverse. My mind struggles to find a solution, but it is like holding back the tide or embracing the wind."  
"Spit it out already, Kuno."  
Kuno stood straight and frowned seriously on Nabiki. "I want to arrange a date with Akane, your sister."  
"Yes? Isn't that what you're always working on?"  
"Nabiki Tendo," Kuno said, "I am asking you for your help."  
"I'm not a dating service, Kuno."  
"Do you think I do not know that?" the kendoist replied. He stared off into the distance. "Before this past week, I was content to wait. I knew in my heart that my loves could not resist my affections forever, no matter what spells were cast upon them. Finally, a mere forty-two hours and thirty-seven minutes past, my pig-tailed goddess found a way to express to me what surely has long been held within her heart." He turned to Nabiki, tears coming to his eyes. "Do you not see, Nabiki? Always have I treated them equally! Now, I can no longer wait for the right moment to come to me; if I do not find a way to prove to Akane that she is as precious to me as my red-haired goddess, then I fear I may lose her for good! If I were to crush her delicate heart so... please, Nabiki, I beg of you! Have I not lowered myself enough, to stoop to this? But, truly, you are my last hope!"  
Nabiki rubbed her temples, wondering what sort of monster she had helped to create. "Okay, Kuno," she said, "I suppose I can try. However, it won't come cheap."  
"Name your price," Kuno said. "I will pay it."  
Nabiki's eyebrows rose ever-so-slightly. "That desperate, huh?"  
"Indeed," Kuno said, "I even sought the advice of my twisted sister, but while her suggestions surely would work, it is not customary for one so noble as I to deal in potions and poisons..."  
Nabiki sighed. "Kuno, Kuno...you've really got it bad, this time, don't you?"  
  


***  


  
"Look," Ranma said, "I told you, Ranma's not here. How long are you going to wait here? Don't you have anything better to do?"  
Ranma was taking a break in the family room. The afternoon chores were done, and it wasn't yet time for dinner, so Ranma was relaxing for a bit and reading up on Italian cooking. Her mother had left for the day, and her father and Mr. Tendo were off doing something somewhere, she really didn't care what. A cool afternoon breeze was blowing in from the back yard, and everything was peaceful and quiet, and Ranma would be enjoying herself, except that a certain amazon was seated at the family table nearby. There was a cold bowl of ramen before Shampoo, and a rather sad but determined look was on her face.  
"Shampoo make mistake," she said. "Shampoo arrive at school too late. Ranma already eat lunch, he no longer hungry. But Shampoo work so hard to cook special ramen!"  
*I'll bet,* Ranma thought.  
"Besides," the Chinese girl continued, "Is nothing better than wait for airen come home to Shampoo!"  
"Oh, like I'd..." Ranma stopped herself. "This isn't your home, Shampoo," she said, instead. "So what is it this time? Love potion again?"  
"Aiya! You spy on Nekohanten!"  
"Oh, right, like I've got time to watch your every move. Do you know how busy I am? Do you know what it's like to cook and clean for a seven-person household?"  
"You no busy now, Kasumi."  
"Only because I've been working all day!"  
Shampoo's eyes glistened as she stared off into the distance. "When Shampoo marry Ranma, have many kids. Shampoo happy to cook and clean for big family!"  
Ranma sighed. It was always this way with Shampoo... except that, at the moment, Shampoo wasn't hanging all over her, and Ranma had a certain amount of freedom in what she said. Criticism from Kasumi would not sting nearly as much as criticism from Shampoo's supposed betrothed.  
"You're dreaming, Shampoo. Ranma's not going to marry you."  
"Ranma marry Shampoo! Is tribal law!"  
"In case you didn't notice, you're in the middle of Tokyo. Tribal laws don't apply here."  
"You is okay, Kasumi?" Shampoo was suddenly at her side, with a hand on her forehead. "You talk funny. Maybe you is getting sick? Great Grandmother fix you up good!"  
"No! I mean, oh, my! I don't think I feel sick... if I need to, I can talk to Dr. Tofu."  
Shampoo made a face. "Kasumi visit strange sensei, things get worse. Shampoo see what happen when Kasumi visit him. Shampoo no want to be around."  
Ranma went back to her book. "Then why don't you leave, Shampoo? I'll see that Ranma gets your special ramen." *Like fun I will,* she added to herself.  
From the front door a voice called out. "Tadaima! We're home!"  
Shampoo sprang up, a look of rapture on her face, and ran down the hallway. Grimacing, Ranma got up and followed her. The voices of the three Tendo sisters drifted towards her.  
"Give me a break, Nabiki! I can't believe you'd even _suggest_ such a thing!"  
"It's just one date," Nabiki said. "Kuno said I could name my price. Do you know how much money the Kuno's have, or how much he could pay?"  
"No! Not a chance! What do I look like, your personal call girl? Are you going to start renting out Kasumi and Ranma-chan too? Maybe you could sign up Ukyo and Shampoo while you're at it!"  
"Okay," Nabiki said. "I knew you wouldn't go for it, but I had to try."  
The three girls came around the corner. A blur of red and purple flashed by the two younger sisters and glomped onto Kasumi.  
"Airen!" Shampoo exclaimed. "I wait all afternoon for you return! You eat special ramen now, yes?"  
"Oh, Shampoo!" Kasumi said, trying to pry the amazon off of her. "How thoughtful of you! But I really need to train before dinner, you know."  
"Why you train? Is easy you beat Mousse, yes?"  
"Shampoo," Akane said, "didn't you just say yesterday that Mousse had been training and would be hard to beat?"  
Shampoo shrugged. "Is true, but Shampoo know that Mousse never beat Ranma."  
"Well, there's always a first time for everything," Kasumi said, finally prying Shampoo loose.  
"Why you talk crazy?" Shampoo said. Her eyes narrowed. "You no try to lose to Mousse on purpose again!" She glared at Akane.  
"What? What have I got to do with this?"  
"While this is a fascinating conversation," Nabiki said, "I simply must leave you to it. Duty calls, ta!" She swept by Ranma and up the stairs. Ranma, also taking the coward's way out, retreated to the kitchen.  
  


***  


  
Nabiki was engaged in her favorite activity, and unlike many of her peers it had nothing to do with sex or video games. Instead, she was seated at her desk in her room, quietly going over the numbers in her private ledger.  
Betting on Ranma was even heavier than she'd expected. With a day and a half left to collect bets, Saturday was looking like the biggest payday of her entire life.  
What would she do with the money? Midori and Kyoko would get their shares, but the bulk of it was Nabiki's. She could buy new clothes, some jewelry perhaps, and still have a huge sum to re-invest. Perhaps a computer would make sense; for a while now she'd been contemplating the possibilities of making money via the internet. It was the wave of the future, and Nabiki wanted to ride that wave, but there were also stock options to consider. What would best serve her immediate goal, of getting into an especially good college? A degree from the right school would set the stage for her future financial independence.  
Mind you, she still had plans to marry into money -- so much easier than having to earn it -- but Nabiki planned for every eventuality.  
She sighed and closed the ledger. There were no two ways about it, as long as Kasumi remained in Ranma's body, Nabiki would come up a winner. The thought brought a very slight smile to her face.  
She turned to her other ledger, the one for the Tendo household. She glanced over the figures, noting that, so far, the month was going well. Aside from the occasional rebuilt wall, their repair bills were down, and the food budget was stable, thanks to several free meals from the Nekohanten and U-Chan's. Admittedly, those meals coincided with the damaged walls, but they were still well within the budget. All in all, things were running smoothly.  
Since the arrival of the Saotomes, the strain on the food budget and the costs of repairs had occasionally forced Nabiki to supplement the family budget from her own pocket. Luckily, the costs incurred were often covered by the money Nabiki made off the sale of Ranma-chan photos, and side bets on his fights. That didn't even take into account the money Ranma paid her to keep this or that secret from leaking out. Genma had a job, too, of course, and contributed a pittance to the dojo's coffers, but the real reason Ranma and his father weren't more of a burden was the marketability of Ranma himself. More than anyone, Nabiki recognized the value in having Ranma around.  
Nabiki totaled the week's receipts. She frowned. She totaled them again, then stared at the bottom line.  
Certainly, Nabiki thought, Ranma would spend more than Kasumi. That was to be expected. Kasumi was a creative and resourceful shopper, and Ranma didn't have her experience in providing for the household on a limited budget. However, the food budget had quadrupled practically overnight. Bad shopping choices didn't begin to explain it.  
Still frowning, Nabiki stepped out of her room and headed downstairs. She heard thumps and yelling coming from the dojo, and knew that Kasumi must be training for the fight. She felt a little sympathy for her older sister. Nabiki, for one, had no desire to ever revisit her years of training. Those days were gone, and good riddance.  
Ranma was in the family room, watching television. This was strange in itself, given that people were pounding each other only a few hundred feet away. What was even stranger was what he was watching.  
A cooking show? Nani? What now?  
With growing curiosity, Nabiki watched as Ranma jotted page after page of notes into a small booklet. Ranma, taking notes? Ranma never took notes on anything, not even in class. He was the sort who learned by watching and then repeating what he saw, trusting in his ability to observe and memorize. This worked well for him in martial arts, and not so well in school, but Nabiki had never known him to alter it.  
Until now. *First cookbooks, now cooking shows,* Nabiki thought. *It's about time I solve this little mystery.*  
"Ranma? Shouldn't you be helping Kasumi train?"  
Ranma didn't even look up. "It's okay," he said. "Ryoga's in there, with Akane and Pops and Mr. Tendo. They don't need me."  
"Did Shampoo go home, then?"  
"Yeah," Ranma said. "I 'accidentally' spilled her precious ramen. After that, she finally left."  
He continued to stare at the tv screen and scribble notes into his booklet.  
"Dinner will be at six," he said after a moment. "If you're hungry, there's food in the fridge, leftovers from lunch."  
"Really? I know your father was home, so you must have made a big lunch."  
"Yeah, I guess I did."  
Nabiki walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door. As she looked over all of the food within, her eyes grew ever-so-slightly wider than normal. There were leftovers indeed... a _lot_ of leftovers, food of every kind, enough for a couple of dinners, at least. Was Ranma going to cook even more?  
*All this, left over _after_ Ranma and Mr. Saotome were full. The mind boggles,* she thought. *Well, at least we know why the food budget's so high. The bigger mystery is... why? Ranma, more interested in cooking than martial arts? Could being in Kasumi's body be affecting his mind that much?*  
Nabiki grabbed a pair of sushi rolls. *If not for me, Ranma and Kasumi might already be back to normal,* she thought. She took a bite. *Wow! This isn't bad! When did Ranma learn to do such elaborate sushi?*  
The doorbell rang. "I got it!" Nabiki called out, heading into the hallway. She opened the door on their elderly neighbor, Mrs. Ishigawa.  
"Nabiki, dear!" Mrs. Ishigawa said. "How are you today?"  
"Fine, thanks, Obaasan," Nabiki said.  
The old woman smiled, always pleased when the Tendo sisters called her grandmother, as they'd done since they were kids. "Tell me, dear, is your sister Kasumi home?"  
"Sure," Nabiki said, "but I think she's busy at the moment."  
"Oh, don't trouble her then," she said, handing over a piece of paper. "I just wanted to drop this recipe off for her."   
"Recipe?" Nabiki stared at the paper blankly.  
"Yes, she asked me for it earlier today. You know, it's nice to be able to help her once in a while. She used to come to me for advice so often, but in the last two years she's become such a good cook, perhaps the best on the whole block. She hardly needs my help anymore, so I was quite surprised when she asked. Well, as I said, I'm always glad to help. Say hello to your sisters and your father for me, and to those two martial artists as well!"  
  
Nabiki walked back into the family room, studying the recipe. It was an elaborate dish... not something Kasumi would normally prepare. In that way, it was much like the book she'd bought for Ranma the night before, and the book Ranma had borrowed from Doctor Tofu, and some of the food in the refrigerator.  
"Who was it?" Ranma asked, again without looking up.  
"Our neighbor, Mrs. Ishigawa. She brought over a recipe for you."  
"Really? All right!"  
Nabiki grimaced. She didn't like asking direct questions -- it tended to ruin her "all wise and all knowing" mystique -- but she was ready to explode with curiosity. She had to know, now.  
"Ranma-kun, what is this all about?"  
"Hmm?" Ranma glanced up. The cooking show had, mercifully, come to an end. "It's a recipe. You know, for cooking. I asked our neighbor..."  
"No. I mean the whole thing -- the recipe books, the elaborate cooking, the sudden interest in television chefs, and the enormous grocery bills you're ringing up. What's it all about?"  
"Oh. You don't know?"  
Nabiki ground her teeth and counted to three. "Sorry to disappoint you, Ranma," she said, "but amazing as it might seem, I'm not privy to _every_ secret that passes through this household, just most of them. Call it a lapse in my information network, but I haven't the slightest idea what's gotten into you. Would you mind letting me know?"  
"Well," Ranma said. "It started with Happosai..."  
"Doesn't it always?"  
"...I challenged him, see..."  
Nabiki nodded. "This is sounding nauseatingly familiar. Where does cooking come in?"  
"Well, I sort of challenged him to a cooking contest."  
Nabiki thought this over.  
"Ranma, I'm pretty sure you can cook circles around the old man..."  
Ranma shook her head. "No, I'm not cooking _against_ him, I'm cooking _for_ him. It's just... well, he insulted my cooking. He said I wasn't as good as Kasumi."  
"You're not."  
"I know that! But it's not like my food is poisonous or nothing either! All I said is I can cook a meal as enjoyable as anything Kasumi does. That's all!"  
Nabiki stared at Ranma for a full minute.  
"You're kidding."  
"Nope," Ranma said. He glanced back down at his notebook. "I'm going to win if it kills me!"  
Nabiki placed her hand at her temple as if in pain. There was no way. This time, the half-boy, half-girl was dead meat.  
The only question, then, was how to make money off of it? Nabiki had no idea... yet.  
  


***  


  
Ryoga wiped the sweat from his brow and stared at the girl who looked like onna-Ranma, but wasn't.  
"You're doing a lot better, Kasumi," he said, smiling.  
"I am?"  
"Definitely," he said. "I see a lot of improvement!"  
"Don't let him fool you, Kasumi. You're in no shape to take on Mousse."  
Ryoga and Kasumi turned, along with Akane, Soun, and Genma, who were watching from the near wall of the dojo. Standing at the dojo entrance was someone who looked like Kasumi but wasn't. Instead of Kasumi's dress and apron, Ranma wore a brand new gi. It was decidedly un-Kasumi-like.  
"Kasumi, I have a favor to ask of you," Ranma said. "If I help you train, will you help me cook dinner tonight?"  
Kasumi smiled. "Why, of course, Ranma! I'd like that! To be honest, I've felt a little useless lately, with you doing all of the cooking and housework."  
Ranma advanced to the middle of the dojo. She bowed slightly to Ryoga. "With your permission?" she asked.  
Ryoga returned the half-bow. "Why so formal and polite, Ranma? Is being in that body affecting you?"  
"Just get the hell out of my way," Ranma growled.  
"That's more like it," Ryoga said, retreating to the dojo's wall.  
Ranma went into a crouch. "Okay, Kasumi," she said. "I know this is your body I'm in, but it's me, Ranma, controlling it. Don't hold up... I want to see what you can really do."  
Kasumi nodded. "If you say so, Ranma."  
  
Three seconds later, Ranma was being helped off the floor by Soun and Akane. Kasumi hovered nearby.  
"Ranma! Are you okay?"  
"Oh, my! I didn't mean to hit you so hard!"  
"I... yes, I'm okay. She just surprised me a little."  
Soun grabbed Ranma by the collar and lifted her off her feet. "Don't be foolish, son! Kasumi's body has none of your old reflexes!"  
"Mr. Tendo? Could you put me down, please?"  
"Oh, um, sorry, yes, of course..."  
Ranma straightened her gi. "I was just caught off guard," she insisted. "Kasumi's a better fighter in my body, and I'm slower and weaker in hers. I want to try again."  
Reluctantly, Soun retreated to the wall. Ranma took a moment to center herself, then assumed a defensive stance. "Once again," she said, "whenever you're ready."  
Kasumi nodded, and launched her attack, much more hesitantly this time. Ranma concentrated much harder on her defense. It had been a couple of days since she'd practiced -- she'd never taken so much time off in her life before -- but, in this body, it felt like years had passed. Her reactions were slow, her movements mechanical. Her punches lacked force. Nothing felt natural; she was thinking too much before reacting.  
Kasumi, on the other hand, was moving as naturally as the wind. For her, any thought at all was a disadvantage, so she let her new body's reactions guide her. Strange as it seemed, she was probably, at this particular moment, more than a match for Ranma.  
In no time at all, Ranma was forced to call a halt. She was too winded to continue.  
She ground her teeth. This whole situation was completely unbearable. If she were going to remain in Kasumi's body for even one more day, she was going to start working out. There were no two ways about it. Ranma could survive being stuck in this body, and she could survive being the household's surrogate mother, (or at least, cook and cleaning woman), but Ranma could never accept being denied her art. Practice would begin the following morning.  
Kasumi, of course, wasn't winded at all. Ryoga smiled as he took Ranma's place. He bowed slightly. "With your permission?" he asked, his voice slightly mocking. "Perhaps a true martial artist can test her skills..."  
Ranma threw a punch, which Ryoga caught easily.  
"You're not much of a threat these days," he said, speaking in a low voice so that the others couldn't hear. "So much the better for me, don't you think? I can only hope the change is permanent..."  
"You bastard!" Ranma growled.  
"Now, now, Miss Saotome," Ryoga said. "Take your seat, and watch a real man at work."  
Again Ranma ground her teeth, unable to do anything else. She walked stiffly to the side of the dojo and flopped down between Akane and her father.  
"Are you fighting with Ryoga again?" Akane asked accusingly. "That's really not smart, Ranma. You're in no position to take him on right now."  
Ranma just glared into the distance, saying nothing.  
Ryoga sparred with Kasumi, and it was evident to everyone that he was holding back. After a few minutes, Ranma yelled, "Attack her, you idiot! She's supposed to be preparing for a fight, but she can't learn anything if you don't push her limits! Or is this how a 'real man' fights?"  
"Shut up, Ranma!" Ryoga yelled.  
"Come on! Are you a man, or a piglet?"  
Frowning, Ryoga proceeded to take Kasumi apart. His punches lacked their usual force, but he continually tagged her with them. Kasumi seemed to redouble her efforts, but that only left her even more wide open. She was trying to concentrate -- to think -- which slowed her reactions down. Her movements were no longer fluid and natural, and she was becoming winded.  
` Finally she called for a halt. Ranma sprang to her feet.  
"If you don't learn to at least defend yourself, Kasumi, Mousse is going to pound you into the ground!" she yelled.  
"Ranma!" Akane yelled back, "don't be an idiot! She's not even going to _fight_ Mousse!"  
Kasumi took a ragged breath of air. "Oh my!" she said. "There must be some other way to resolve this."  
"This is hopeless," Ranma said. "At this rate, you'll never be able to take on Mousse."  
Ranma stared at the dojo floor dejectedly. Soun put his hand on her shoulder.  
"Look on the bright side, son," Soun said. "If Mousse can win Shampoo's hand, you won't have to deal with her anymore."  
"That's not what this is about!"  
"Oh?" Akane said. "What's it about then? Your pride? Or do you really want Shampoo after all?"  
"I didn't say that!"  
"Baka! You didn't have to! Fine, if that's the way you feel, you can stay in Kasumi's body for the rest of your life!"  
"Oh, Akane," Kasumi said, "you don't really mean that!"  
Fury was etched on Akane's face. "Well listen to him! He's not concerned about you at all, he's just concerned that you'll damage his precious reputation!"  
Ranma headed for the entrance. "Fine, then," she said. "If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen."  
Kasumi's eyes were filled with sadness as she watched Ranma leave.   
"Akane," she said, "a reputation is a pretty serious thing to a martial artist. For someone like Ranma, it could be more important than his own life..."  
  


***  


  
In the kitchen, Ranma was hovering over the stove wok and keeping an eye on the pan simmering next to it. Kasumi walked in, picked up a knife, and began chopping vegetables.  
Several moments went by. The only sounds were the sizzle of the wok oil and the sharp chopping of Kasumi's knife.  
"I'm sorry we're in this position," Kasumi said, quietly. "I don't want to ruin your reputation this way."  
"That's okay," Ranma said. There was resignation in her voice.  
"If there was any way I could defeat Mousse..."  
"Don't worry, Kasumi. I know there's nothing you can do about it. If we don't find a cure before Saturday... well, whatever happens, happens."  
"Oh, Ranma! I'm so sorry!"  
"Don't," Ranma said. "There's no need."  
"If there's anything I can do..."  
"Actually," Ranma said, "there is. This stupid challenge I made with Happosai is another matter. I don't want to lose _that_ too. If there's any way that you could help me..."  
"Of course I'll help you!" Kasumi exclaimed. "All you have to do is ask!"  
  


***  


  
It was a big indication of how seriously Ranma took her challenge with Happosai that she didn't immediately dive in after serving dinner. Instead, she stood near the table, waiting expectantly for everyone's opinions.   
"It's very good, Ranma," Akane said.  
"Yes," Kasumi added. "You did a wonderful job!"  
Genma was too busy shoveling food into his mouth to say anything, while Soun was once again crying. He looked at the elaborate spread of food on the table like a child might watch an escaped balloon sail off into the stratosphere.  
"Not good enough!" Happosai declared setting his bowl down with finality.  
"Ha!" Ranma cried. "I notice you ate everything!"  
"True," Happosai said, "It's not bad. Kasumi helped... but I can easily detect Ranma's hand in the creation of this meal. Try again!"  
"Admit it, freak! You _liked_ it!"  
Happosai growled and leapt onto the table. "You ungrateful whelp! Don't you get it? You can do everything exactly as Kasumi does it, and you _still_ won't cook as well as her! Kasumi pours all the love that's in her heart into her culinary creations! You can't hope to compete! Give up!"  
"Never!"  
Akane tried to ignore the shouted curses and enjoy her meal. If it wasn't Ranma picking fights with his father or his hentai master, then it was Shampoo, or Ukyo, or Cologne dropping by to cause havoc, or a fight with Ryoga or Mousse, or Ranma acting jealous of P-Chan, or their parents trying to force them into admitting that they really wanted to get married right that second. If all else failed, a quiet evening was often altered by a cryptic comment from Nabiki, who seemed to enjoy stirring the Tendo household kettle when it grew too calm. Truth to tell, it had literally been months since the last time Akane had enjoyed a quiet, peaceful meal at the dinner table, and it would probably be many more before it happened again.  
The worst part was that only Akane seemed to care. Father -- well, he was _always_ upset at _some_thing. Ranma, Genma, and Happosai -- they were usually part of the problem. Kasumi acted oblivious, and Nabiki seemed to enjoy everything from her vantage point as an uninvolved spectator. Only Akane suffered.  
Or was that true? Akane watched as her eldest sister ate. She was actually starting to think of the red-head as her sister, and not Ranma-oh-wait-that's-Kasumi-in-there. In any case, Kasumi looked anything but her usual happy, serene self. She looked positively troubled.  
Akane wondered if the upcoming fight, or even just the sparring, was getting to her sister. She became so wrapped up her concern for Kasumi that she almost didn't notice when her sister spoke.  
"I'm going to fight Mousse," Kasumi said.  
The room suddenly became silent. Happosai balanced on the table on one leg, halfway through the act of launching Ranma out into the yard.  
"What did you say?" their father asked.  
Kasumi looked irritated. It was, upon reflection, a very Ranma-like look.  
"I said, I'm going to fight Mousse."  
"What?" everyone exclaimed.  
"Kasumi, no!" Soun cried. "I can't let you do this! I must forbid it!"  
"I have to, father," Kasumi said. "It's a matter of honor."  
"Kasumi," Akane said, "don't be stupid. You can forfeit the match, Ranma will understand. There's no way you could win, so he can't expect you to go through with it."  
"I know," Kasumi said, "but Ranma-kun would never forfeit. I can't either."  
"Sis, you're not Ranma. You may look like him, and you may have his muscles and reflexes, but you don't have his training or knowledge..."  
"Like there's any of that," Nabiki added.  
Akane glanced over in anger. "Okay, so he's hopeless in school..."  
"Hey!" Ranma yelled. "I'm right here, you know!"  
"...but that doesn't mean he's stupid!" Akane continued, with a warning glance at her betrothed. "He knows more about fighting than anyone else his age.  
"The point is," Akane said, turning back to her eldest sister, "you don't have a prayer in this fight, Kasumi. You're going to lose. So why go through with it?"  
Kasumi continued to sit, her hands folded in her lap. In her eyes there was a fierce determination, which did not quite manage to mask the underlying layer of fear. She looked exceptionally Ranma-like, not like Kasumi in the least.  
"Losing is one thing," Kasumi said. "Quitting is another. Everyone loses from time to time, but no Tendo and no Saotome ever quits."  
"With the noted exception of our two fathers," Ranma said.  
Genma slammed his bowl down. "Boy! I thought I taught you to respect your elders!"  
"I would if I could!" Ranma fired back.  
"That's it, boy!" Genma said, standing. "You've had this coming for a long time!"  
Soun grabbed his friend's sleeve. "Saotome, no! That's still my daughter's body we're talking about!"  
"Soun, Genma," Happosai said, "shut up! I want to hear this."  
Glancing at their unpredictable master, the two fathers sat back down. Happosai had returned to his seat and composed himself, and was puffing away on his pipe.  
"Please, Kasumi," he said, "do continue."  
"Well," Kasumi said, "that's really all I had to say. Despite what father or anyone else thinks, my decision stands. I may not be much of a martial artist, but I'm the daughter of Soun Tendo. I can't back out. This is a matter of honor, and I have as much honor as anyone in this house. I'm going to fight Mousse, and that decision is final."  
  


***  


  
"Airen act very strange," Shampoo said. "Something not right. Kasumi act very strange, too. Shampoo very worried."  
It was midmorning of the next day. It was Friday, and Shampoo was helping her great-grandmother in the kitchen of the Nekohanten, preparing for the lunch rush.  
"Acting strange?" Cologne said, sliding another batch of ramen noodles into her largest wok. She watched as the neat rows of pasta were engulfed in a storm of bubbling oil. "How so?"  
"Ranma wear dress all times Shampoo see him," Shampoo said. "He always in girl form, always act like girl."  
"Hmm, that does sound odd," Cologne said. "That's very unlike son-in-law, unless he's up to something."  
"He very cool to Shampoo," the girl continued. "Kasumi talk strange too... not speak very nice to Shampoo. Kasumi always be nice to Shampoo in before times!"  
Before Cologne could comment further, a jingle of bells announced the entrance of a new customer. Cologne hopped up onto the countertop, ready to take an order, and was surprised to see that their visitor was Kasumi Tendo herself.  
"Kasumi, dear," Cologne said, warmly, "what can I do for you?"  
"Good day, Cologne-sama," Kasumi replied. "I was wondering if I could ask a favor of you?"  
"Of course, dear! I'm happy to help. What is it that you need?"  
Kasumi looked around nervously. "Well," she said, "It's like this. I want to surprise Grandfather Happosai, to cook something for him that he would never expect, something that he hasn't had in years, but which he likes a lot. I know that you two knew each other a long time ago, and I was hoping that you would know if he had a favorite recipe from his youth, something that you could teach me to cook..."  
Kasumi smiled wanly. "I guess you could say, Cologne, that what I really need is... special training. In cooking, at least."  
Cologne's already large eyes grew even wider.  
  


END PART FIVE  
***  


  
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back! Write something different!  
Thanks to everyone who's written to me. Hi to KaraOhki, Joseph Palmer, Ukyo Kunoji... loved that Nerima Home Companion! The beginings of this story came after I read her "Floating Soul", although I could have just as easily borrowed from _Kimagure Orange Road, _or Gilligan's Island, or...?  
Enjoy! And if you don't, write me anyway!  
  
M.A. Davis aka "Miko"  
belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  



	6. Chapter 6

  
Okay, part 6 of more than 6 parts. I cut this one off before my planned end, because it would have been another huge chunk like part 5. I was going to try and get all the way through the fight, but... it's easier to finish and post in smaller chunks.  
  
I got so many nice comments on part 5! I only hope I can please people with the way I finish this!  
  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
fan fiction at: http://listen.to/bell/  
  
This story will be more than 6 parts total. Probably 8 at this point, maybe even 9. I have sections of the rest of the story written -- my method of writing is not linear; I tend to write the first scene that occurs to me, and as scenes accumulate I string them together and put them in some semblance of order, and at some point I go back to the begining and start writing from there, filling in everything that I haven't already written yet and working out all of kinks and problems.  
  
I'm not going to apologize for the title anymore. ^_^  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting  
PART SIX  
***  


  
It was Friday afternoon, less than 24 hours before the fight, and Nabiki was on the phone. She had orders to make, deliveries to schedule, and plans still to be laid. Standing in the downstairs hallway, the phone cord idly wrapped about one finger, she rechecked the list of things to do in her head. She was, admittedly, overextending herself and her finances, but as they said, it takes money to make money, and without question Nabiki expected to make money.  
At times like this she wondered whether it wouldn't make sense to have a private phone line, if not her own office.  
"Yes. I'll need everything there and set up by 9 a.m.. I want time to prepare everything. Don't worry, I'll make sure someone's there to meet you. Yes, timing is very important; if you're late then I reserve the right to terminate the contract. Oh, until 3 p.m. or so, that should be plenty of time. That sounds great! It's been a pleasure doing business with you!"  
Nabiki hung up the phone, her mind racing.  
*So much for the stand,* she thought. *Now I need to contact the food venders and distributors. Let's see, Midori and Kyoko are putting up the flyers... am I forgetting anything?*  
Well, she still had to maneuver Ranma into helping her, but that wouldn't be hard. The boy-girl was clearly desperate to increase her cooking skills in any way possible, and desperation was a key that opened doors.  
Nabiki smiled to herself. She hadn't known what to do about Ranma's sudden cooking fetish last night, but all it took was a little thought and a good night's sleep. Now, with any luck, she would see a nice side profit tomorrow, on top of all the bets.  
Which was not to say that Nabiki believed in luck, or left anything to chance.   
  


***  


  
Ranma stepped into the dojo, dressed in her new gi. She'd practiced for an hour in the morning, and it had felt good. An hour of practice before she began dinner would be even better, although, if she really wanted to improve, she was going to have to find a way to get in more than two hours of practice a day.  
Earlier this morning she'd been so wrapped up in her planned visit to the Nekohanten, and her need to fool Cologne, that she'd completely forgotten her mother's request of the day before. But Ranma had made a promise, and her word was always good. Now she leaned back against the dojo wall, watching Akane practice, and wondered how, exactly, she was going to be nice to her.  
Akane's movements were very fluid. This was in great contrast to how she'd been when Ranma first met her; when she'd been all strength and brute force, and lacking in grace. She'd known the basics of Anything Goes Martial Arts, but not the more complex katas. But Ranma had spent years in intense training with her father, while Akane had practiced an hour or two a day, if that.  
Now, as she watched, Akane moved through her most difficult katas with the grace of a ballet dancer. Ranma had been teaching advanced maneuvers to her for six months now, and it clearly was paying off. As Ranma had put it, if she were to someday help run the dojo -- and she wasn't saying she would or wouldn't -- then she should at least be familiar with all of the moves, if not an expert at them.  
But she _was_ good. She was not a match for Ranma or Ryoga, but she was very much improved. Training with a master -- even a young and arrogant one like Ranma -- tended to have that effect. She was a match for Ukyo at this point, or even Shampoo, and would soon be a match for Mousse, if Ranma had anything to say about it. True, she lacked Ranma's speed, but she'd adapted maneuvers to fit her strengths, which were, basically, strength. She would never master the Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken -- the chestnut fist -- but she understood the principle, at least.  
She was making progress on a variation of the chi blast. Ranma had always been convinced that Akane's formidable battle aura could be translated into a powerful chi blast, but when she'd first suggested basing it, not on depression or self-confidence, but on anger... well, Akane had become angry. Ranma smiled at the memory. Akane was well on her way, now, to mastering a technique nearly the equal of Ranma's Moko Takabisha or Ryouga's Shishihokoden. When she had _that_ down, she _would_ be Mousse's equal.  
Ranma took a great deal of pride in her first, and so far only, student. Now, if Akane could only master the Hiryu Shoten Ha... but her anger worked against her with that technique.  
Akane finished her katas, and, heading towards the door, noticed Ranma for the first time.  
"Konichiwa, Ranma," Akane said. "How long have you been waiting?"  
"Good afternoon, Akane," Ranma said in return. "I haven't been here long. You... you look... nice."  
There. She'd said it.  
Akane looked surprised, and then annoyed. "Right after a workout?" she said. "You must be joking; I'm all hot and sweaty."  
"No," Ranma said, "I mean that. You look nice, Akane."  
"Are you okay Ranma? Oh, wait. You want something, don't you?"  
"No, nothing," Ranma said, becoming irritated. "I'm just trying to be nice to you, that's all. Why's that such a big deal?"  
"What did you do?" Akane said. "I'm going to find out eventually, you know. You might as well just tell me now, and get it over with."  
"I didn't do nothin'!"  
` Akane rolled her eyes as she walked past him. "Sure, Ranma, sure. Well, I suppose I'll find out soon enough."  
Ranma stared after her. "Why, that uncute tomboy..." he muttered.  
  


***  


  
Kasumi descended the stairs, dressed in Ranma's loose silk top and pants. Despite her bold proclamation of the evening before, she was feeling anything but confident in her ability to battle Mousse. She was well aware that the Joketsuzoku amazon tribesman was a more brutal opponent than Ranma's other friends; only Mousse used deadly weapons as a matter of course. In fact, he attacked with little else but his weapons.  
She stepped into the kitchen, rather than heading straight to the dojo. She wasn't looking forward to practice, one of her last before the fight. She wondered idly if Ranma was going to help her again, in exchange for her help with dinner. She hoped so. Cooking had a calming, soothing effect on Kasumi, and right now she needed that.  
A notebook lay open on the counter. Kasumi glanced at it. The top page contained a hand-written recipe. She picked the book up and flipped through it, her brow furrowing in bewilderment.  
Bon-Bon Chicken? Three-Flavor Soup? These were Chinese recipes... Szechuan recipes, in fact, or from that part of the world. And this handwriting... it was Cologne's, if she weren't mistaken. The Joketsuzoku amazon village was somewhere in the Bayankala mountains of the Xinghai Province, so maybe these recipes came from there. Would they be so similar? Xinghai was near Szechuan, right? But those provinces were huge, and Kasumi wasn't sure where the Bayankala mountains were.  
She studied the notebook some more. They were interesting recipes, unlike anything she'd made before. Special recipes from Cologne? Father had said something about Ranma being gone much of the day. Ranma had claimed to be shopping, but clearly he/she had dropped by the Nekohanten to talk with Cologne. What could Ranma be up to now?  
Some of the recipes called for a special Chinese stock. Kasumi checked the refrigerator and found a small jar labelled "stock, Joketsuzoku style". That was also in Cologne's handwriting.  
It was common knowledge in the Tendo household that Nabiki knew all, while Kasumi was clueless. But the truth was more complex, for Nabiki advertised her knowledge, while Kasumi remained quiet. The truth was that very little occurred on Tendo property of which Kasumi was not aware.   
With a knowing smile, Kasumi set the notebook down where she'd found it, and headed for the dojo.   
  


***  


  
Nabiki skipped down the stairs, finally satisfied that all of her plans were in order. Now she was hungry, and she didn't want to wait for dinner like she had last night. She checked the kitchen, and was happy to find the refrigerator stocked with delicious food left over from Ranma's culinary struggles. She fixed herself a quick plate and headed into the family room.  
Her father and Mr. Saotome were huddled over the dinner table, carefully sorting through a huge pile of trash. Shredded paper lay scattered all over the table, with several large piles rising out of the main mass like volcanoes rising from the Pacific.  
"What's this?" Nabiki asked, kneeling. "Have you traded in your games of shogi for a jigsaw puzzle? Or have we joined a recycling program where you sort scraps by size and color?"  
"This," Soun said, "is what is left of Tofu-Sensei's book. Somewhere in here is the key to restoring Ranma and Kasumi to normal."  
Nabiki's eyes went wide. The two were actively doing something to resolve the problem, finally. Well, wasn't that a surprise? Perhaps she should have disposed of the scraps somehow...  
"Where's all of this been the last two days?"  
"In a safe place," Soun said.  
"We were hoping to avoid all of this..." Genma said.  
"I can see why," Nabiki replied, studying the piles of scrap paper. "What a mess. And you're going to put it all back together? All the king's horses, and all the king's men, if you ask me."  
Genma frowned. "All the king's horses...?" He stared at her blankly.  
"Famous Western nursery rhyme," Nabiki said, popping a sushi roll into her mouth. "Oh, I suppose you're not familiar with nursery rhymes, are you? Too much wandering the globe, doing the martial arts thing, I suspect."  
Genma shook his head, already focused again on the task before him. Nabiki watched the two of them work for several minutes, not sure whether to be relieved or annoyed. On the one hand, she didn't want them to solve Ranma and Kasumi's problem before noon Saturday. On the other hand, she realized that she _did _want them to find a solution, eventually. Ranma as an older sister, and Kasumi as a sex-changing martial artist, just wasn't right. Besides, she wanted to know how the secret technique worked herself. It held some fascinating possibilities.  
"Is this your best idea for a solution?" she finally asked, exasperated. "It's going to take you years to sort through this mess, you know, and you don't even have a clue what the original looked like."  
"It's our only hope," Genma said. "Neither Tofu-Sensei nor the Master can remember a thing."  
"What about Cologne?"  
"We can solve this without involving that woman," Soun Tendo said with finality.  
Nabiki sighed. "I hope you realize, there are thousands of scraps here," she said.  
"Indeed," Genma said. "The book was over 1,000 pages, and Tofu-Sensei did a thorough job of destroying it."  
"His skill in the craft is evident," Soun said. "No normal human could hope to shred such a thick book so completely."  
"He'd make a fine son-in-law, don't you think, friend Tendo?"  
Soun nodded. "Believe me, Saotome, the thought has crossed my mind. It's no secret that he and Kasumi are interested, although getting them together... well, you know my first focus is to see Ranma and Akane wed, and the future of the dojo secured. After that, perhaps I can see to my eldest daughter's happiness."  
"Good luck on pulling that one off," Nabiki said. It was true, everyone knew of Dr. Tofu's feelings for Kasumi, and her feelings for him, but getting either of them beyond that point was not a task she envied.  
"You forget, Nabiki," her father said. "I'll see Akane and Ranma wed first. Anything else will be easy in comparison."  
Nodding absently, Nabiki picked up a small scrap of paper. It contained one-half of an unusual black and white photo. She turned it over, wondering why it had caught her eye.  
It was a picture of a piece of jewelry -- a metal broach of some sort. It wasn't a very pretty broach either, made of a dull gray metal and containing an odd, contorted caricature of what she could only assume was meant to be monkey's face. Now where had she seen this before?  
Carefully palming and pocketing the scrap, Nabiki wandered into the kitchen, the rest of her meal forgotten.  
There, on the windowsill. She was certain she'd seen it sitting right there, only a day ago. She crossed to the sink and began a search of the entire area, but failed to turn the odd broach up.  
*I wonder if Ranma took it,* she thought. *He can't know what it is, surely...*  
Nabiki allowed herself a small, satisfied smile. *Monkey head-butting,* she thought. *Who'd have suspected it? But I'll wager money that I'm right -- and when I bet, I win. Always.*  
  


***  


  
Early Saturday morning, Kasumi stood in front of the bathroom mirror, brushing out her bright red hair. She was already dressed in Ranma's silk top and black pants. She had a growing knot in the pit of her stomach, and she dearly wished that the day were already over, or that she somehow didn't have to go through with this. But, deep in her heart, she knew it was the right thing to do. She was resolved to see it through, no matter the cost.  
She heard the soft pad of barefooted footsteps, and turned to see Akane, still in her pajamas, coming up behind her.  
"Ohayoo, Oneechan," Akane said. "Here, let me braid your hair."  
"I was thinking of leaving it down, like this," Kasumi said.  
Akane shook her head. "Sis, if you're really going to fight Mousse, then you need to show up, not just as Ranma, but as _male_ Ranma. That means braiding your hair like he always does, otherwise people are going to wonder."  
"I suppose you're right," Kasumi said. She stood still while Akane gathered her hair and began weaving it. It was odd, standing next to Akane like this, because Akane was currently a little taller than her. Ranma's female self had always been shorter than Akane, and despite several days, Kasumi wasn't quite used to it.  
"I wish Ryoga had been here last night," Akane said. "He's much better to train against that Mr. Saotome or I am."  
"Well," Kasumi said, "at this point it's not going to matter too much. Besides, you know how he is, always getting lost."  
"P-chan disappeared last night too," Akane said. "I wonder if he's with Ryoga?"  
A mysterious look crossed Kasumi's face. "I... um, I suppose that could be..."  
"Although I don't know," Akane continued, "I can't remember whether he's mean to P-chan like Ranma is. For some reason, I think Ryoga and P-Chan get along better than that."  
Kasumi nodded, not wanting to pursue the conversation further. "In any case," she said, "I'm glad you helped me, and Ranma and Mr. Saotome. Father couldn't even bear to watch last night, let alone help out. He's really concerned for me."  
"We all are, sis. Mousse isn't just another open-fist fighter; he's a barbarian who uses deadly weapons. You might get hurt, or even..." she paused, her voice choking, and suddenly she grabbed her eldest sister in a fierce hug. "Kasumi, you don't have to do this! Forfeit the match! Everyone will understand! I don't know what I'll do if I... if you..."  
Kasumi turned to embrace her sister in return. "Akane, we've been over this," she said. "I _do_ have to do this. I realize that I can't win, but I _have_ to go through with this. Don't worry, I have all of Ranma-kun's speed and his reflexes. I may not be able to fight, but I can avoid Mousse's attacks."  
She pulled back, and smiled. "Look, it's a few hours before the fight, but I want to get some last-minute practice in. I think it's time for me to become male Ranma now. As much as I'm not looking forward to it, it's probably best if I showed up that way."  
Akane nodded woodenly. "I... I'll get the hot water started," she said.  
"Wait." Kasumi paused to pin something to her shirt. "How does that look?" she asked.  
"A broach?" Akane asked. "What's it for?"  
"It's just a broach I found the other day. It's kind of cute, don't you think? Ranma must have washed it off and put it on the kitchen windowsill. I was thinking of wearing it for the match. You know, I'll be completely male, and I'll be doing something violent... I just thought this would help. It's a reminder of who I am. Regardless of what I look like or what I'm doing, I'm really Kasumi Tendo, not a martial artist, and not a man."  
"It's not a good idea to wear jewelry in a fight," Akane said, "but if you really want to..."  
  


***  


  
"You want me to _what_?"  
"Look," Nabiki said, "you want to improve your cooking skills, right? Well, here's an excellent opportunity to do just that. I'm doing it for you, Ranma."  
Ranma Saotome stood at the edge of the open, grassy lot that was the usual site for a Nerima battle. She stared at the fast food booth sitting front and center, stocked with all of the raw materials and equipment necessary to churn out mounds of sushi and grilled squid. The signs very clearly stated that it was Kasumi Tendo's food being served, and Ranma was not a big enough fool to miss _that _little detail.  
"Kasumi has quite the reputation in our neighborhood, doesn't she?" Ranma said. "After all, she's taken food to social functions before, and we've had friends and neighbors over for dinner. People talk. I'm sure it's a well-known fact that she's a very good cook..."  
"I wouldn't know," Nabiki said smoothly. "I'm just here to help you train, Ranma. You want to beat Happosai, don't you?"  
Ranma sighed. She was almost to the point where she did whatever Nabiki said without argument. Nabiki always had her bases covered. Ranma was, as always, in her debt, Ranma needed all the cooking practice she could get, and... well, Nabiki could probably supply a dozen more reasons if asked.  
"Okay, Nabiki," Ranma said, "but for this, I want to see my debt reduced. Deal?"  
"Whatever you say, Ranma-chan."  
"Okay then. What do you want me to do?"  
  


***  


  
When Ukyo showed up two hours before the fight, she was surprised to find a food stand already there, right where she wanted to place hers. The offending vendor was not a Chinese amazon matriarch, but the eldest Tendo sister, Kasumi. Ukyo frowned, not quite sure what to make of this development. She sensed the hand of another Tendo in this.  
Ukyo glanced back at the three burly men who stood behind her with huge bundles in their hands. Behind them a beautiful girl -- or someone who looked like a beautiful girl -- also waited patiently.  
"Over there," Ukyo said, pointing to a spot not far from the Tendo booth. The men dropped their bundles in the chosen spot and began assembling a booth, under the watchful eye of Konatsu. Ukyo smiled, still amazed at what a free meal could accomplish.  
She strolled over to inspect the Tendo booth.  
It was large. Kasumi was in the back, busily assembling sushi rolls. A refrigerated display case, already half-full, dominated the left side of the booth.  
"Sushi?" Ukyo asked, raising an eyebrow. She took in the already sizzling grill on the right side and the large tank of squid near it. "Squid, too? Are you running this by yourself, Kasumi, or is Nabiki helping you?"  
"Hmmm?" Kasumi said, distracted. "Oh, Nabiki's helping, and Midori and Kyoko are supposed to help too, but it's mostly my show. Want a squid?"  
Ukyo shrugged. "Sure," she said.  
Wiping her hands, Kasumi stepped quickly to the large tank, swimming with small squid. Already the water was beginning to turn black from their ink. "Which one do ya want?" Kasumi asked.  
There was something odd about the way Kasumi moved and spoke, but Ukyo couldn't quite put her finger on it. She pointed to a squid at random, and Kasumi's hand darted in and out of the water. Ukyo blinked, amazed at how quickly the eldest Tendo sister had nabbed her pick.  
In one fluid motion Kasumi sliced open the head of the squid and slide it onto the hot grill. She brushed it with a thick, sweet soy sauce, flipped it over, coated the back, and deftly skewered it on a stick. She handed the squid, hot and dripping, with it's legs flopping about, to Ukyo.  
"Wow," Ukyo said. "I'm impressed! You've been practicing that, haven't you?"  
"A little," Kasumi said with a smile. Already she was back working on her sushi. She slid another batch into the display case. "Hope you enjoy it!" she said, without looking up.  
Just then, Nabiki appeared. She glanced at the squid in Ukyo's hand and frowned.  
"Giving away the merchandise?" she asked Kasumi.  
"Well," Kasumi said, "since it's just to help me practice..."  
"Forgive me if I didn't make myself clear," Nabiki said. "I'm helping you, yes, but I expect to turn a profit. This booth and all of the supplies did not come cheap."  
Ukyo bit into her squid. It was, in fact, quite good.  
"So," she said, "you're competing against me, are you?"  
"Something like that," Nabiki replied.  
"Now I know why you wanted a non-competition fee. I thought you were talking about the two amazons, and I didn't see how you could stop them from doing business here...."  
"I made you a reasonable offer," Nabiki said. "You refused to pay, so here I am."  
Ukyo took another bite. "Somehow I doubt you made the same offer to Cologne."  
"Do I look stupid?" Nabiki said. "Even the yakuza leave that woman alone."  
Ukyo fingered the spatulas in her bandolier. "I'm not exactly a pushover myself," she said, then let it drop. "Well, the squid's very good. There ought to be a large crowd here, so I doubt you'll cut into my business too much. But if you plan on making this a permanent thing..."  
Nabiki shrugged. "Maybe," she said, "maybe not. My fee still stands, so if you want to avoid this next time, you know what to do..."  
  


***  


  
By eleven a.m. there were three food booths set up. The Tendo booth occupied the center of the spectator's area, while U-Chan's and the Nekohanten flanked it on each side. Nabiki and Ranma were already so busy that they almost didn't notice when their fathers showed up, with Akane and the now-male Kasumi.  
"Ran-chan!" Ukyo called out from their left.  
"Airen!" Shampoo called out from their right.  
Ranma flinched, but her second and third fiancées were headed away from her.   
Ukyo reached Kasumi-kun first, and launched herself head-first at him. She narrowly missed a head-to-head collision as she wrapped herself about him. "Ran-chan!" she exclaimed. "You're going to win, I just know it!"  
"Airen! You beat Mousse for sure!" Shampoo exclaimed. She grabbed Kasumi's free arm in a fierce hug.  
"Um," Kasumi said, trying to remove the pair. "Girls, I... could you let go? I need to get ready for the fight..."  
Trying to ignore the whole scene, Akane walked on, past Ukyo's booth to the one in the center. She stopped, reading the sign over it, then glanced at the two people managing it.  
"Nabiki?" she said. "Ranma? What are you two up to?"  
"Just a little extra business!" Nabiki said, flashing her most innocent smile. "Nothing more!"  
"Wow!" Akane exclaimed, looking the operation over. "A Tendo food booth! Can I help?"  
"No, no," Nabiki said quickly. "We've got enough help, thanks! Besides, Kasumi is going to need your support, right?"  
Akane glared at her sister, then back at Kasumi, who was still struggling to remove Ranma's two "cute" fiancées. "Well..." she said.  
"I knew you'd understand, Akane!" Nabiki exclaimed. "Here, have a squid, half off!"  
Akane shot her another glare. "_Half_-off?" she asked. "Nabiki, I'm your _sister_..."  
"Hey, I can't make money if I give them away, can I?"  
  


***  


  
A large crowd had gathered to watch the event. To most, Ranma's victory was a foregone conclusion, but with money riding on the outcome, few were inclined to miss it. There was always good food -- in fact, all three food booths were doing a brisk business -- and even if Ranma won, these fights always had some interesting twists and turns. All-in-all, they were better entertainment than an afternoon at the ballpark.  
At the stroke of noon, Kasumi and Mousse walked to center of the field. They were met by Nabiki, who stood to the side, not quite between them.  
"Are the two fighters ready?" Nabiki called out loudly, so that everyone could hear.  
"Ranma!" Mousse growled. "When this day is over, Shampoo will be mine!"  
"Shampoo agree to no such thing!" a voice called out from the nearby ramen stand.  
"Very well!" Mousse continued, never breaking stride. "Ranma! When this day is over, you shall no longer stand between Shampoo and I..."  
"This fight has no bearing on Son-In-Law's engagement with Shampoo!" a second voice called out.  
"Ranma is engaged to my daughter Akane!" a third voice yelled. "How many times must I repeat it?!?"  
Mousse looked flustered, but rallied for a third try. "Ranma! After I've beaten you, you'll be..." he pause, searching for the right phrase. "...you will be defeated!"  
He glanced over at the ramen stand, as if daring anyone to contradict him. When no one did, he glared triumphantly at his opponent.  
Kasumi-kun looked momentarily perplexed, then he smiled sweetly. "Good luck to you too, Mousse!" he said. "May the best person win!"  
This seemed to confuse the Chinese boy. He took a step back, and adjusted his glasses. "Don't try to trick me, Ranma!" he said. "If you don't take this fight seriously, you'll pay!"  
"Let me ask again," Nabiki said. "Are you two _quite_ ready?"  
She got a firm nod from Mousse, and a far more tentative one from Kasumi. "Okay, then," she continued, in a much louder voice. "Bow to your opponents, please!"  
The two bowed simultaneously, their heads nearly colliding. Mousse had to make a quick grab to keep his glasses from falling to the ground.  
Nabiki placed a hand to her forehead. "Whenever you're ready, Mousse," she said. Mousse adjusted his glasses and nodded. "Okay, then." In a loud voice, she yelled out, "Let the fight commence!"  
Nabiki leapt back. The battle started immediately.  
"Hakuchoken!" Mousse screamed, striking so quickly his hands were a blur. "Fist of the White Swan!"  
Kasumi-kun didn't have time to blink. Mousse caught him squarely under the chin, and he was lifted up, off of his feet. He tumbled backwards a dozen feet and landed in a heap.  
Mousse looked startled. It was clear that he hadn't expected to land his first blow so quickly and easily.  
"Airen!" Shampoo exclaimed, from behind her booth.  
"Ran-chan!" Ukyo exclaimed, from behind her booth.  
"Kasu... Ranma!" Akane yelled, running onto the field. She fell to her knees beside her sister/fiancée, grabbing his hand. "Are you okay? Ka... Ranma, are you okay?"  
Kasumi-kun lay flat on the grass, a dazed look on his face. "I'm... I'm okay, Akane, I..." he sat up abruptly, just as Akane leaned in. Their two heads met with a crack.  
Both collapsed to the ground. Mousse, standing nearby, frowned impatiently. "Is the fight over already?" he asked. "Come on, Ranma! At least make this look good! I can't beat you if you don't fight me!"  
Soun Tendo ran onto the field, water flowing from his face. "Kasumi, I must put a stop to this! Kasumi! I won't allow you to continue this charade!"  
In front of the Tendo food stand, Ranma's friends Daisuke and Hitoshi exchanged glances.  
"Kasumi?" Hitoshi asked. "Do you see Kasumi out there?"  
"That looks like Ranma to me," Daisuke said.  
"Oh my! I'm right here!" Ranma said from behind the stand. She smiled sweetly. "Oh my! Father must be really confused! Would you like another squid? Oh my! Oh my!"  
Daisuke looked at Hitoshi. He raised and eyebrow, then shrugged.  
"Sure, Miss Tendo!" he said. "I'd love one!"  
  
On the field, Kasumi and Akane were sitting up. Their father hovered over them, tears rolling down his cheeks and dripping from his chin. "Kasumi!" He exclaimed. "My poor Kasumi! Tell them you'll forfeit! Please!"  
"Dad?" Akane asked. She glanced over at Kasumi, and froze.  
The person next to her wasn't Kasumi. It was a young girl with short, dark hair in a page cut. She wore a light yellow dress, and she was looking very confused.  
Akane glanced down at herself. She was wearing a red silk Chinese-style top, and black pants. Her chest was flat and muscular. She reached behind her head, and found the pigtail that she knew was there.  
She glanced back at the girl next to her... at herself... at Kasumi, in her body.  
With Akane's voice, Kasumi said, "Oh, my!"  
  
Meanwhile, behind the counter of the Nekohanten stand, an old amazon with white hair was studying the center of the field intently. She glanced back at the stand nearby, and the eldest Tendo sister running it, then back to the field, where Son-In-Law was slowly getting up.  
"Why Tendo-san yell out 'Kasumi'?" Shampoo asked. "Kasumi not on field! Is he blind like Mousse?"  
"I thought something was odd yesterday," Cologne said, half to herself. "Could it be? But it's been a hundred years since I last heard of that technique! I wonder..."  
  


***  
END PART SIX  


  
  
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back! Write something different!  
Thanks to everyone who's written to me. Hi to KaraOhki, Joseph Palmer, Ukyo Kunoji... the beginings of this story came after I read her "Floating Soul", although I could have just as easily borrowed from _Kimagure Orange Road, _or Gilligan's Island, or...?  
Enjoy! And if you don't, write me anyway!  
  
M.A. Davis aka "Miko"  
belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  



	7. Chapter 7

  
Part 7 of more than 6 parts.  
  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
Previous chapters at:  
http://members.xoom.com/bellchan/ (simple url: http://listen.to/bell/)  
(my site has moved... update your bookmarks)  
  
Massive thanks to my three prereaders, Gary Kleppe, David Eddy, and Horold Ancell. I did not send the final three scenes until much later, and did not ask for comments back on those, so if you find any mistakes in them, don't blame Gary or David. Harold commented on the entire section... feel free to blame him. ^_^  
Seriously, this story was greatly improved by the comments I got back. Muchas gracias and domo arigato, and thanks to the others who offered to do the same.  
  
This story will be 8-9 parts total. I have a good deal of the rest written, and I'm going to finish this before going back to finish "I Can See Clearly Now!" After that I might actually work on "Both Halves", (never posted to the FFML, but it's on my web page and people keep asking me to write more), or I might start something entirely new. Like every author I have more ideas that I could ever write, including one massive crossover story that could take several years to write, and another original-flavor story that my friend Sky wants me to write.  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting  
PART SEVEN  


  
The world spun and tossed Akane about like a ship in a storm. Her head was ringing like a school bell. There was a growing lump on her forehead, and the realization that her problems had just become a great deal worse.  
She was in the middle of a field, surrounded by dozens, perhaps hundreds, of people. It seemed that half the neighborhood had gathered to watch the fight, and they were all staring at her, and she... she was a guy.  
That phrase kept echoing in her head, driving out all other thought. She didn't know what to think, or how to feel.  
This must be how Ranma felt, switching genders without any warning. How very odd it was, how... terrifying. For that matter, she was in Ranma's body, so this was _exactly_ how he felt. A simple splash of water would make her female again, but that knowledge wasn't entirely reassuring.  
Her father hovered over her, concern and anger etched in his face. Her sister Nabiki was also nearby, and Ranma's rival, Mousse, stood in the background. Right in front of her, sprawled on the grass, was... well, herself, or her body, at least. Her eldest sister Kasumi stared out from Akane's eyes with a stunned expression, exactly how Akane felt herself.  
"Tell them!" her father wailed. "Tell them you'll forfeit!"  
"It's okay, sis," Nabiki said. "I've already collected on all of the bets. You can forfeit any time you like; you don't have to go through with this."  
"Ranma, forfeit?" Mousse said, not grasping the situation. "Don't make me laugh!"  
"Oh, Father," Kasumi -- the person who looked like Akane -- said. "That's not Kasumi -- I mean, that's not me -- I mean..."  
Nabiki's eyes focused on the brooch pinned to Ranma's shirt. "Hey!" she exclaimed, and then went silent, glancing back at Kasumi. Her eyes narrowed.  
"There's been enough of this foolishness," Soun said. "I will not sit by and watch my daughter get hurt."  
"No, Father. I mean _I'm_ Kasumi!"  
Soun looked at his youngest daughter, not quite comprehending. He blinked, then looked back at the young man who, until recently, had been his future son-in-law.  
"Akane?" he asked, tentatively.  
Akane, now the pig-tailed boy in the Chinese clothing, nodded. "Hi, Dad," she -- he -- said. "We sort of bumped heads, and..."  
"Ranma!" Mousse yelled. "I demand that you fight me!"  
"Do you mind?" Akane-kun yelled back. "This is a private family discussion!"  
Soun Tendo fainted dead away.  
"Oh! Poor Father!" Kasumi said, grabbing his hand. "All of this confusion is too much for him!"  
A purple blur flew at Akane, and suddenly Shampoo was wrapped around Akane-kun. "Ranma okay?" she asked. "Is only one punch, yes? You no lose to Mousse, yes?"  
"Shampoo!" Akane-kun and Mousse cried out, together. Akane tried to shove the Amazon girl away, while Mousse leapt forward to embrace her. From nowhere Shampoo produced a large brick and careened it off of Mousse's forehead, knocking the boy back. Still holding Akane-kun's hand, she locked eyes with him.  
"You beat Mousse now, yes?" she asked.  
Akane-kun stood, shaking Shampoo's hand loose. He glanced at his two sisters, then down at himself. He flexed his arms experimentally. He threw a couple of quick punches, then stared at his hands.  
*I'm much faster,* he thought, *and stronger. At least, I'm strong all the time, without being angry...*  
He experimented with a kick, almost losing his balance.  
*My center of gravity's off,* he thought. *Higher. I'll have to remember that.*  
"Come on, Ranma!" Mousse said. "Stop screwing around!"  
Akane-kun stared at Mousse. He'd never fought with Mousse before, but in Mousse's first battle with Ranma, the Chinese boy had declared _Akane_ as the stakes to be won. Then, in his second appearance, he'd mistaken her for a toy stuffed pig, had kidnapped her, and threatened to turn her into a duck with water from Yaazuniichuan, the Spring Of Drowned Duck. Akane hadn't forgotten _that_.  
Still, he had no quarrel with Mousse. Akane rarely held a grudge, and he'd always felt a bit sorry for the lovesick boy. But his constant attacks on Ranma were annoying and disruptive. If only he'd stop...  
Once, Akane had suggested to Ranma that he lose on purpose to get rid of Mousse. Ranma had had too much pride to actually do it, but Akane was not too proud.  
"Akane!" her father said, snapping to full consciousness. "Tell them you'll forfeit!"  
"No, Dad," Akane-kun said, "I don't think I'm going to do that..."  
  


***  


  
Nabiki stared at the brooch pinned to Akane-kun's shirt and bit her tongue.  
It wouldn't do for certain people to know what was causing the switch. That could lead to Ranma getting his own body back and beating the stuffing out of duck-boy. Nabiki's financial ruin would then be assured. No, it was best that Nabiki kept her mouth shut about _that_ little fact, at least for the moment.  
Nabiki now had a problem. On a normal day, Akane could cause a lot of trouble for Mousse. In Ranma's body, she threatened to actually beat him. This was not, in Nabiki's estimation, a positive development. She stood to lose a fortune if the fight didn't end with a Mousse victory.  
She didn't see a way around the predicament, yet. She needed to get her hands on that brooch. In the meantime, she'd wait and see if Akane's innate sympathy for others worked to her favor. If a Mousse victory did not do away with the Mousse/Shampoo problem, it was a step in the right direction. Akane should realize that.  
If she didn't... well, Nabiki would have to improvise.  
  


***  


  
Behind the Nekohanten stand Cologne served up bowls of steaming ramen to customers. She wanted to know what was happening on the field, but Shampoo had run off, and with Mousse unavailable, Cologne was left to run a very busy booth.  
She'd been suspicious since yesterday, when Kasumi had shown up acting very strange. Ranma's actions of late had been equally odd, according to Shampoo, and Cologne had begun to think the unthinkable. Could the Monkey Brooch be involved? She had not seen or heard of it for nearly 100 years, but more than one of her tribe's ancient relics had turned up recently in the possession of that old thief, Happi. A full account of what he'd stolen from them had yet to be made.  
Kasumi and Ranma, switching bodies? It was certainly possible, as Cologne knew well. That left only two questions. What could anyone hope to accomplish with such a bizarre scheme, and why on earth would Son-In-Law go along with it?  
  


***  


  
Nabiki led Soun from the field, with Shampoo and the person everyone took to be Akane trailing.  
Mousse and Ranma's male form once again squared off. Akane-kun, however, was facing Mousse in battle for the first time ever. He flexed his muscles and stood, waiting for Mousse to strike.  
"Any time," Nabiki called out, after several moments passed. "Don't wait on my account. I'm not going to start the fight again."  
"Hakuchoken!" Mousse yelled again. His hands flashed out, but unlike Kasumi's deer-caught-in-the-headlights act, Akane-kun easily dodged the blow. His foot shot out, connecting with something, and a large swan-shaped training potty went sailing into the crowd.  
"We'll have no more of _that_," Akane-kun said with a satisfied smile. He was still getting a feel for the balance and power of this body, but already he felt capable of anything he wished to attempt.  
"Heh!" Mousse laughed, leaping back. "That's more like it, Ranma!" He adjusted his glasses, and spread his arms. "Now, Ranma, prepare to die!"  
Akane-kun crouched, waiting for the attack. Mousse's arms moved in a blur, and twin balls on chains flew from his hands. Akane-kun side-stepped the heavy missiles, tripped, and fell on his face.  
He bounced back up, just in time to take a massive metal ball to the gut. Knocked back, Akane-kun spun about, stumbled, and plowed into the earth again.  
"How does the dirt tastes this time of year?" Mousse called out. A nasty weapon with a three-sided blade thudded into the ground next to Akane, and he rolled backwards, scrambling to get to his feet.  
*Okay,* he thought, *I'm not capable of everything I want to attempt. Right now I'll settle for staying on my feet....*  
More weapons were flying at him. He sidestepped again, managing to keep his balance, and knocked them down. He frowned and glanced at his arm, as if it had acted on its own accord, then he grinned.  
"Care to try that again?" he asked.  
*It has to look good,* Akane-kun thought. *If Mousse figures it out, he'll be back to harass Ranma again. But if he believes he's really defeated Ranma, that might change things....  
*The question is, can I make this look good?*  
From what he'd seen in the past, Mousse could take a lot of punishment. Assuming he could control Ranma's body, he wouldn't have to hold back much. If he just fought normally, without resorting to any special maneuvers, things would work themselves out. There would be an even battle, followed by a mistake or two that would allow Mousse to win. That would definitely throw a huge wrench into the whole Mousse/Shampoo/Ranma equation, which was exactly what Akane wanted.  
Right now, special maneuvers were definitely out of the question, anyway.  
Chains flew from Mousse's sleeves and whipped about Akane-kun's body, surprising him and pinning his arms. He twisted and got a hand on the chains, then pulled, as he'd seen Ranma do in the past. Mousse was yanked off his feet. Akane-kun laughed as Mousse came flying right at him.  
Grinning like a madman, Mousse twisted in the air and attempted to head-butt Akane-kun. It was such an odd and unexpected move that Akane-kun almost didn't recognize it. At the last moment he ducked and rolled away, cursing and shaking loose from the chains.  
*That's right,* he thought, assuming a new stance. *Mousse is essentially a barbarian. He'll use any trick at all to win the fight.*  
As if responding to the thought, Mousse lobbed several eggs that exploded in a cloud of noxious smoke. Akane-kun coughed and stumbled backwards, trying to see, and then shuriken were flying past his forehead. He leapt up and back, desperate to put some space between him and the young hidden-weapons master.  
*This guy's trying to kill me!* Akane-kun thought. *This isn't like any fight I've ever been in... if I keep underestimating him, I'm dead!*  
Again he assumed a defensive stance. "I'd better get serious here," he said, then realized how much of a Ranma-ism it was. *Jeez, five minutes in his body and I start talking like him? I hope Ranma gets this switching business figured out, quick!*  
  


***  


  
Kasumi took a seat on the grassy hillside next to Akane's friends, Sayuri and Yuka. Although it felt a little odd to be in her sister's body, it was definitely a trade up from where she'd been. She was glad that it was Akane out there facing Mousse, rather than her. Akane would know what to do.  
"Now that's the Ranma I know," Yuka said appreciatively.  
Kasumi smiled at Akane's friend. "Do you really think so?" she asked.  
"Oh, definitely. You can't mistake his moves for those of anyone else," Yuka said. "I have no idea how Mousse landed that first blow, but he's not going to land many more at this rate."  
Kasumi smiled and watched the fight develop. It was true, Akane looked a _lot_ like Ranma out there. The combination of her training and Ranma's strength, speed, and reflexes was a good match. She'd have to deal with how his body was balanced, and how it moved, but a martial artist like Akane would probably pick that up much faster than Kasumi had.  
"Ranma's so powerful and masculine," Sayuri said. "I mean, even when he's a girl, you can tell...."  
"He's definitely not like the other boys at school," Yuka agreed.  
"The only one who possibly compares to him is that Ryoga, and with him, you just don't know..."  
"Not dependable," Yuka said. "He'd never be around when you needed him."  
"You're really lucky, Akane, having a fiancée like Ranma."  
"Yeah," Kasumi said with a sigh. Beside her, Akane's two friends face-faulted.  
Kasumi stared out at the two figures on the field, allowing her mind to roam. What might it be like, if Ranma were to switch back but she remained as she was, with Akane in her body? She would be the same age as Ranma, and wouldn't she then be Ranma's fiancée? What would it be like, she and Ranma, together?  
Kasumi blushed, embarrassed by her selfish thoughts. Akane loved Ranma, she knew, and she was pretty sure he loved her as well. As for herself, attending school again for a week had been fun, but high-school kids were too immature for her tastes. She couldn't see herself going through a full year of high school again. She'd be happy to get her own body back.  
Still, she thought, it might be nice, just once, if _she_ were the one who got kidnapped by some handsome but villainous scoundrel. Ranma was always rescuing Akane, and it seemed so exciting and romantic... but she couldn't quite imagine Tofu doing the same with her. When she tried to imagine it, she got a vision of him, with his glasses all fogged up, dancing around with Betty-chan, while the villain watched in confusion.  
*If only he were a little bit more like Ranma,* she thought. *Not a lot, just... a little more arrogant... a little more possessive... a little less of a clown....*  
"Ranma sure is something else," Yuka said.  
Kasumi nodded, only half listening.  
  


***  


  
Akane-kun let Mousse attack while he concentrated on blocking and dodging without tripping. It was becoming easier as the fight progressed. Ranma was fast, and rarely needed to go all-out against an opponent, and now that speed and power were at Akane's command. It was intoxicating, but it was like a driving student behind the wheel of a race car: Akane kept over-steering, and he didn't know how to shift properly.  
He concentrated on how this body felt, how it moved and responded, and he tried to relax and let the body's instincts surface. As the fight developed, he got a feel for the body's balance, and for the speed that was his to command. He began to not only dodge, but to dart in and tag Mousse with a punch or two. He was toying with Mousse a bit, but that was what people expected Ranma to do, so Akane-kun continued to do it. Predictably, it enraged Mousse.  
"Ranma, you coward!" Mousse yelled. "Stand still and fight me like a man!"  
"Why? So you can slice me open?" Akane-kun shot back.  
"You take me lightly at your peril!" Mousse growled. He drew himself up to his full height, adjusted his glasses, and unleashed an all-out assault.  
Akane-kun's eyes went wide with surprise. Chained and bladed weapons came at him from all directions, like hail driven by the wind. It was all he could do to weave and dodge, spinning about like a contortionist in an attempt to avoid them.  
He didn't quite succeed. One steel ball punched him in the upper chest, producing a very sharp pain like a knife to the heart. Akane-kun winced. Dodging another blow and skipping back out of the way, he probed the bruise. His hand encountered the odd brooch that Kasumi had pinned there earlier this morning.  
*I told her it was dangerous to have something like that on in a fight,* Akane-kun thought, ripping the brooch free. He took a moment to lob it towards the Tendo food stand.  
"Kasumi!" he yelled. "Catch!"  
  


***  


  
"Miss Tendo! You're running a food stand?"  
Ranma, busy grilling another squid, glanced up to see her two so-called friends, Hiroshi and Daisuke. "It sure looks like it!" she said with a smile. "Can I get you boys anything?"  
"Wow, Miss Tendo!" Daisuke said, "I'd pay for your food any day!"  
"Two squid please!" Hiroshi said, pulling out a wad of well-crumpled bills. "You want anything, Daisuke?"  
Ranma scooped up the squid like a pro and, slicing them open, laid them on the grill. Moments later she was handing the skewered treats to the two boys, when she heard the cry in a voice as familiar as her own, because it _had_ been her own, up until several days ago.  
"Kasumi! Catch!"  
Ranma looked up. She saw a small piece of metal flying towards her, and leaned out over the counter to catch it.  
  
At the same moment Kasumi, reacting to the sound of her name, jumped up and ran after the flying brooch. She watched it sail past her outstretched fingers, then another hand, as familiar as her own, because it _had_ been her own, snatched it out of the air.  
There was a loud crack as her head encountered something hard. The world seemed to spin and fill with stars. Kasumi stumbled back and hit something -- a table -- and she placed a hand out to steady herself.  
The brooch fell from her hand, unnoticed.  
  
Ranma stumbled backwards and fell onto the grass. Moments later Daisuke and Hiroshi were helping her up  
"Are you okay, Akane?" Daisuke asked.  
"You hit your head pretty hard there," Hiroshi added.  
"Akane?" Ranma said, head spinning. She blinked, looking at the two boys and wondering how she'd wound up on _this_ side of the booth. *I must have tumbled over the counter,* she thought. Then the name _Akane_ got her attention again.  
Hadn't she seen Akane running towards her, in that brief second before collision?  
Ranma put a hand to her forehead, realizing several things at once. She hadn't been knocked out of the booth; she'd bumped heads with Akane, and now she was out here, and inside the booth, Nabiki was steadying someone who looked a lot like Kasumi...  
  
"Are you okay?" Nabiki asked, grabbing her older sister's arm to keep her from stumbling.  
It _was_ Kasumi, Nabiki realized, back in her own body once more. She glanced to her sister's hands, and then down on the grass. She saw the object she was looking for, lying in the shade beneath the table, next to an open box of skewer sticks.  
Sometimes life is like that. She'd been desperately trying to work out how to get her hands on the odd little brooch, and then fate placed it at her feet.  
"I'm... I'm okay," Kasumi said, hand on her forehead. "Oh, my head aches! I'm getting tired of switching like this...." She paused, blinking, and glanced down at herself. "Oh! My own body again! Well, that's much better, I had no idea I'd be back to normal so soon!"  
Nabiki bent down and palmed the brooch. She quietly slid it into her pocket, then turned back to her older sister.  
"You remember how to grill squid, don't you, Sis?" she asked.  
  
Ranma tapped on the counter to get Nabiki and Kasumi's attention.  
"Akane?" she asked, looking into the eyes of the oldest Tendo daughter. "Is that you?"  
"Oh my, Ranma! You're in Akane's body now!"  
Ranma's eyes went wide as she recognized the tone of the voice. "Kasumi?" she asked, not really needing any confirmation. "Then... who's out there?"  
Ranma turned to view the battle between Mousse and whoever was in her body at the moment. She'd been so busy behind the booth that she hadn't been able to watch the fight, but the two were going at it like... like... well, it looked like _him_ out there, battling Mousse! It certainly wasn't Kasumi.  
"You haven't been keeping up with current events, have you, Ranma?" Nabiki asked. "Akane's the one fighting Mousse."  
"I was kind of busy cooking..." Ranma said, her voice trailing off. "Wait! This means that stupid technique thing is working again! I can get back into my own body again!"  
Ranma dashed off, in the direction of the field. Behind the booth, Nabiki played with the object in her pocket and smiled enigmatically.  
  


***  


  
Akane-kun dodged yet another bladed chain -- how many of them did Mousse have anyway? -- and jumped in to land an open-palm strike to the chin. Mousse stumbled back, but immediately produced a large pole with a goofy-looking duck atop it. He thrust it forward, and Akane-kun flipped backwards, narrowly avoiding the gritty cloud of dust that spewed forth from the duck's mouth.  
Akane-kun was beginning to feel the ache in his limbs. *Has it been long enough?* he thought. *Should I find a way to lose, now?*  
Then, as if appearing from thin air, Kasumi was there, right in front of him. At least, Akane's _body_ was there....  
She grabbed Akane-kun by the shoulders. "Akane!" she exclaimed. "Bump heads with me!"  
"Kasumi?" Akane-kun asked. "What?"  
"Bump heads with me! It's me, Ranma! We can do it! I can get back in my body!"  
"Ranma?" Akane asked, confused. "What are you doing in my body?"  
Mousse launched another attack.  
"Ranma, you idiot! Watch out!"  
Akane-kun grabbed Ranma and leapt straight up, narrowly avoiding a swarm of sharp metal blades slicing through the air, trailing chain. The two landed twenty feet away, and Akane-kun set Ranma down. He was suddenly aware of how much taller than Ranma he was, now that they were switched. It felt unnatural.  
"Ranma," he said, "get out of here or you're gonna get hurt!"  
"Bump heads with me, Akane!"  
Mousse launched another attack, and again Akane-kun had to grab Ranma and pull her out of the way.  
"Get out of my way, Ranma! I'm in the middle of a fight here, or didn't you notice?"  
"This is _my_ fight!" Ranma growled. "Switch with me, Akane! Let _me_ handle him!"  
"I know what I'm doing, Ranma!"  
"No way, Akane! you're just gonna screw this up! Lemme have my body back!"  
  


***  


  
On the grassy hill nearby, Ranma and Akane's friends were watching in growing confusion. Like everyone else, they were having difficulty following the fight.  
"What are those two doing?" Sayuri asked. "Kissing? In the middle of a fight?"  
"No," Daisuke said, "it's definitely not that..."  
"What is it, then?" Sayuri asked. "Is this making any sense to you?"  
"No," Daisuke replied, "but does it ever?"  
"Still, this all sounds oddly familiar," Yuka said.  
"Familiar, yet oddly different," Hiroshi added.  
"Exactly," Yuka said. "Why do you suppose that is?"  
"Perhaps because they're saying each other's lines?" Hiroshi asked.  
"Yeah," they all said, after a moment. A half-minute passed in silence as they contemplated this.  
"Why is that, do you think?" Yuka asked.  
"I don't know," Hiroshi said. "It still isn't making sense to me."  
"Same here," Yuka said.  
"You know," Sayuri said, "I've heard of people doing that in therapy. Marriage counseling and stuff."  
Daisuke considered this. "I suppose that makes sense," he said.  
"But in the middle of a battle?" Yuka asked.  
"Well, you've got to consider who we're talking about here," Hiroshi said.  
"I guess," Yuka said. "Well, if anyone needs counseling, it's those two."  
  


***  


  
Akane-kun was torn. On the one hand, he very much wanted to finish what he'd started. If Ranma finished the fight, he'd take Mousse apart in his usual fashion, which would solve nothing. Mousse would be back within two weeks to do it all again.  
On the other hand, Akane-kun didn't want to be a boy for any longer than necessary, even a sex-changing one. He wanted his own body back.  
Ranma made the decision for them. She jumped forward without warning, and there was a sickening crack that was becoming a very familiar sound. Akane and Ranma's heads collided.  
The two stumbled backwards, stars and bright lights flashing before their eyes. Akane-kun shook his head, realizing that he was still in Ranma's body.  
Ranma glanced down at herself, distraught. "Why isn't it working?" she demanded. "Come on, try again!"  
"No!" Akane said, shoving her back. "Get off the field, Ranma! You're in the way!"  
"Ranma!" Mousse said, "if you can't keep your woman from interfering..."  
"Hey, butt out, Mousse!" Ranma growled. "This doesn't concern you!"  
Ranma again launched herself head-first at Akane-kun, who dodged easily. Ranma repeated the maneuver, with Akane-kun again dodging her. Akane was dodging Ranma's attacks almost without thought or effort, which was only making Ranma more frustrated and angry.  
Mousse was standing in the middle of the field, looking confused. Leaping forward, he grabbed Akane and Ranma each by the scruff of the neck and brought their two heads together with a loud crack.  
"Hey!" Akane-kun yelled, her head swimming.  
"Is that what you wanted?" the Chinese boy asked. "I can do it again if you like."  
"Ranma shook her head, aware that she was still in Akane's body. "Why isn't it working?" she yelled. "Why does it only work when you don't want it to?"  
Mousse brought their heads together again. "We can try as many times as you like," he said. "What are we trying to accomplish, anyway?"  
"Knock it off!" Akane-kun's foot shot out at Mousse's head. The Chinese boy flipped back, out of the way, and assumed a new stance. Akane-kun stumbled backwards, his head still spinning from the repeated blows.  
"Come on, Ranma," Mousse said. "Why must it always be like this? Just once I'd like to fight you for real, without all of this extraneous weirdness. Or are you afraid that you couldn't beat me in a straight-up fight?"  
"Get real!" Ranma and Akane-kun said at the same time. Anger flashed in Akane-kun's eyes as he turned on Ranma. "Get off the field, _Akane_!" he yelled. "This is a man-to-man fight! You don't belong here!"  
  


***  


  
Cologne left Shampoo in charge of the ramen stand and went to check out the competition. In particular, she wanted to talk to Kasumi Tendo -- if it _was_ Kasumi Tendo. She was pretty certain it wasn't.  
The diminutive Amazon hopped up onto the flimsy counter of the Tendo food stand and perched next to the squid tank.  
"Kasumi, dear!" she said in a pleasant voice. "How are you doing today?"  
"Oh, hello, Cologne!" Kasumi said, flashing one of her trademark smiles. "Can I get you anything?"  
"No, dear, thank you. I was wondering how things were going over here."  
"Everything's wonderful!" Kasumi said. "This is really quite fun, don't you think?"  
Cologne's eyes narrowed. "Kasumi, dear, where is it?" she asked.  
Kasumi blinked, confused. "Where is what, Cologne?"  
"You know what I'm talking about, Son-In-Law. Where are you keeping it?"  
"Oh, my, Cologne! I'm not Ranma, you know."  
Cologne frowned. "It is an Amazon artifact. I don't know how you've gotten it, but it belongs to my people. Perhaps Happosai had it? It doesn't matter; he took many of our treasures, and it's been missing for quite a long time."  
Kasumi frowned, looking genuinely perplexed. "I'm afraid I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, Cologne," she said. "Are you sure you wouldn't like some sushi, or a grilled squid?"  
Cologne took in the stand and the woman running most of it. She certainly _sounded_ like Kasumi, rather than Son-In-Law. Still, she could have sworn that just yesterday...  
She paused, cocking her head slightly. "Kasumi, dear, do you remember what I taught you yesterday?" she asked.  
Kasumi blinked for just a moment, and then smiled warmly. "The Bon-Bon Chicken and the Three-Flavor Soup?" she said. "Why, of course I do, Cologne! How could I forget?"  
"How... how very odd," Cologne muttered. Then she smiled. "Well, that's good, dear," she said. "I hope those recipes work out for you!"  
"Thank you again for your help, Cologne!" Kasumi said with a smile.  
*I could have sworn that it wasn't really Kasumi I taught yesterday, but... that's definitely Kasumi now, and she remembers it all. I'm so seldom wrong....*  
Out of the corner of her eye, Cologne noticed the other Tendo sister, Nabiki, watching her just a little too carefully. Cologne took note of it, thanked Kasumi, and hopped back to her own stand, thinking.  
That _was_ Kasumi over there, now, but it had _not_ been Kasumi that came to her the day before. Of that much she was certain. Something _was_ up. She wasn't sure what, exactly, but she had a good idea of whom to ask.  
  


***  


  
Ranma was pissed.  
She sat on the grassy hill, watching the fight, muttering curses to herself. Why wouldn't the head-butting thing work? Why? What were they doing wrong? Did it only work by accident, never on purpose? What kind of a technique was that, then?  
And why was Akane acting like such a jerk about it?  
Akane was going to screw everything up, Ranma just knew it. She had the skill to defeat Mousse, true, and she was in his body... but she'd find some way to mess it all up.  
But it was _his_ reputation on the line! Once Mousse had defeated "Ranma", nobody would ever let him forget it!  
Ranma watched the fight, feeling more angry and helpless than she'd ever felt in her entire life.  
  
Akane-kun gritted his teeth. This fight had gone on long enough, and he was ready to end it, on his terms. *On the next blow from Mousse, I'll just dodge a tad too slowly...*  
A spiked ball on a chain came at him, and he dodged out of the way.  
*The next blow then,* he decided. *I'll stumble, just enough...*  
Mousse charged in, slicing away with twin swords. Akane-kun's eyes went wide as he dodged back. "Hey! Those are sharp!" he yelled.  
"You fight like a girl, Ranma!" Mousse said. "I don't know how you defeated me all those other times!"  
Akane-kun didn't even flinch at the taunt. *This time,* he thought, readying himself.  
Mousse produced a studded staff and tried a leg-sweep. Akane-kun leapt over it. Mousse spun the staff and lunged forward, jabbing at Akane-kun's midsection. Akane-kun slid to the side, grabbed the staff, ripped it from Mousse's hands, and snapped it in two.  
*Why did I just do that?* Akane-kun asked himself. *I want to lose this fight, don't I?*  
  
"What is she doing?"  
Ranma glanced up. Nabiki was standing beside her, watching the fight intensely, a serious frown on her face.  
"That stupid girl!" Nabiki said, more to herself than to Ranma. "I don't believe it. She's actually trying to win. Doesn't she get it? She's going to ruin everything!  
"Akane!" she yelled at the top of her voice. "You have to lose!"  
Akane-kun glanced their way, and Nabiki continued. "You want to get rid of Mousse, don't you? Let him win!"  
Ranma's eyes went wide with alarm. That Akane might lose, she'd been expecting... but that she might do it on purpose? That, she hadn't considered... and it made far too much sense.  
Ranma sprang to her feet. She had to do something to stop this! But how to convince Akane to win?  
  
Akane-kun blocked another attack from Mousse, cursing himself for doing so. Why didn't he want to lose? Was he really as vain as Ranma himself? When the shoe was literally on the other foot, did he have to act just like that arrogant jerk? Couldn't he find a way to lose that wouldn't hurt his ego?  
But he knew the answer. People didn't respect Akane as a martial artist. Even Ranma looked down on Akane, when all was said and done. To be in this position, and to lose... well, he could hear Ranma's taunts.  
"Akane, you idiot! Are you stupid, or do you just look that way? What makes you think you can beat Mousse?"  
Akane-kun blinked. That... that phrase had echoed in her ears so clearly, it was as if he'd actually heard Ranma say it.  
"Do you hear me, you idiot? Face facts! You can't beat him!"  
Akane-kun glanced at the crowd. Ranma was standing front and center, yelling at him at the top of her voice.  
"You couldn't beat Mousse if your life depended on it!" Ranma screamed. "You? A martial artist? Don't make me laugh! I've known monkeys who were better martial artists than you, and better looking to boot! Even with all that strength and speed, you aren't half the martial artist I am! You don't stand a chance! Just give up, before you get hurt!"  
The air around Akane-kun began to glow a bright red. Waves of heat rose from him, as his whole body trembled in anger. *That stupid, insensitive jerk!* he thought furiously. *What's his problem? He's been training me for the last six months; he _knows_ how good I am! Does he have to say that, in front of all these people? That idiot!*  
"Macho chick!" Ranma screamed. "Built like a brick! Arms like sticks! Legs too thick! Talks like a hick!"  
  
By this point, Akane's friend Yuka, like everyone else, was thoroughly confused.  
"Since when does Akane insult herself?" she asked.  
"If you ask me," Hiroshi said, "they're carrying this whole therapy thing way too far."  
"I don't know about that," Midori said. "Role-playing can be a useful tool in counseling."  
"Hey!" Hiroshi said, "could it help Kuno, you think?"  
"How do you mean?"  
"You know... have him be the pig-tailed girl, and let Ranma be the idiot with the wooden sword."  
"I don't know," Yuka said. "I suppose it couldn't hurt..."  
  
"RANMA NO BAKA!" Akane-kun yelled. His voice echoed down the streets and alleyways of Nerima and off of the rooftops.  
"All right!" Ranma said to herself. "That's the Akane I know! Nobody does blind, unreasoning anger like her!"  
Nabiki, wisely no longer standing right next to Ranma, raised an eyebrow. "Is there a point to this little demonstration?" she asked icily. "Or have you completely lost it?"  
Ranma smirked. "Hey, I know what I'm doing," she said. "You just watch!"  
  
Mousse, distracted momentarily by Akane's strange outburst, shook his head and turned back to face his opponent. He gathered himself for a final assault.  
"Enough of this!" he bellowed. "Just tell your stupid woman to shut up, and let's finish this fight!"  
Anger flashed in Akane-kun's eyes, anger piled on top of anger. "BUTT OUT, Mousse!" Akane-kun growled. "This doesn't concern you!!"  
"Yeah!" Ranma yelled from the sidelines. "Butt out, Mousse! Why would Ranma want Shampoo anyway, when he's got me? You're such an idiot! What's that stupid Amazon bimbo got that I haven't got, huh?"  
Akane-kun's eyes bulged. He stared at Ranma. What was wrong with that idiot? Had she finally, completely lost it?  
Mousse's face turned bright red. "Don't be ridiculous!" he yelled back. "Shampoo's twice the woman you are! Three times! She's a far better cook, a much better fighter, and better looking to boot! Why, you're just a stick-figured, flat-chested..."  
Akane-kun spun, the fire in his eyes threatening to engulf the whole field.  
"Oh, I am, am I?" he yelled.  
Mousse tossed several smoke-bombs at Akane-kun and leapt high into the air. "This fight is over, Ranma!" he yelled. "Shampoo will never be yours! TAKAZUMEKEN!! Talons Of The Hawk!!"  
A huge cloud of smoke rolled over the field, but within it could be seen a human form, glowing with a brilliant red battle aura. From the skies Mousse descended, and for a moment one could almost see a giant hawk, talons extended, swooping down for the kill. Below, the figure in red cupped its hands and aimed them towards the sky.  
Many of the spectators had seen Ryoga Hibiki's Shishi Hokoudan, a massive chi blast that drew it's energy from his depression. They'd also seen Ranma's counter chi-blast technique, the Moko Takabisha, which was borne of his confidence. The maneuver they witnessed now was a familiar one. They knew what was coming.  
What they couldn't know was that it wasn't Ranma out there, but Akane. His unnamed chi-blast drew energy from his anger, and he was about as angry as he'd ever been in his life.  
The blast, larger than any Ranma had ever produced, exploded upwards like a giant fireball. It was like hunting ducks with a rocket-launcher; caught in mid-air, Mousse didn't stand a chance. It caught him in the chest and lifted him a good thirty feet into the air. As Mousse came down, Akane-kun swooped in, screaming, "Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken!" His fists were a blur as he pummeled Mousse's body with blow after blow. Mousse crumpled into a heap.  
Akane stood over the unconscious Chinese boy, breathing heavily. *I did it!* he thought happily. *I've been trying to master both of those maneuvers for weeks, and suddenly I got them both right! I can't believe it!*  
Moments later, Akane-kun began to frown. *Wait... I didn't want to... I wasn't supposed to...*  
"Airen!" a girl's voice called out.  
"Ran-chan!" a second girl cried.  
Two girls glomped onto Akane-kun, dragging him to the ground.  
"That best fight ever, Ranma! Mousse not challenge you again for many days!"  
"That was impressive, sugar! How did you produce such a massive blast?"  
"Girls," Akane-kun said, trying to pull the two off. "This isn't right... Shampoo... Ukyo... let go of me, please! Get off of me!"  
  
People were crowding around, trying to congratulate him. His father was there, and Genma Saotome, and his friends from school. He tried to stand up, and then two hands reached in and pulled him from the crowd.  
Akane was brought face to face with... himself. Herself. Whatever.  
"Ranma?" Akane asked.  
The girl with the short, dark hair grinned. "You know I don't hit girls," she said, low enough for only Akane to hear. "This is just for everyone else's benefit, okay? Just to stay in character...."  
"What...?"  
"Just WHAT do you think you're DOING?" Ranma screamed. "Making out with those two girls? How COULD you?"  
"Wha...?" Akane began, thoroughly confused.  
"RANMA NO BAKA!" Ranma yelled. With a practiced heave, she launched Akane-kun towards the Tendo Food stand. It was only a simple toss, about thirty feet, landing far short of the stand, in the soft grass.  
Still, Ranma reflected, it felt pretty darn good.  
  


***  


  
Nabiki was stunned. She'd lost gambles before, but this... she'd staked nearly everything she'd had, certain of Mousse victory and a huge payoff after.  
All. Down. The. Drain.  
She fell to her knees, momentarily lost to the world. Her two friends, Midori and Kyoko, hovered nearby, not quite sure what to say or do.  
"Can we cover all of those bets?" Midori asked.  
"No," Kyoko said. "You know that. She really overextended herself this time."  
"We have the profits from the food stand, of course."  
"It's not enough. We won't have enough."  
"She was so sure Mousse would win. She's almost always right, you know."  
"Almost always," Kyoko said. "Well, with Kasumi in Ranma's body, who could blame her?"  
"So... forgive me if I'm confused, but Kasumi was in Ranma's body..."  
"...and she switched with Akane, and then switched again with Ranma."  
"So Kasumi's back in her own body, and Ranma and Akane are switched."  
"Right. But Akane, with all of Ranma's strength, speed, and reflexes..."  
"...a very different proposition from Kasumi."  
"Right."  
"And thus, we lose a fortune."  
*Kami!* Nabiki thought, the panic rising in her breast. *I'll be going through bankruptcy before I'm eighteen! This can't be happening!*  
"What a mess," Kyoko said. "Did we at least figure out how the transfer works?"  
A spark appeared deep within Nabiki's glassy eyes. She fingered the brooch in her pocket, and the gears began to turn again in her head. She shook herself, then stood, and looked at her two companions.  
Okay. She'd suffered a huge setback. Time to plan the next move.  
Nearby, Akane and Ranma were arguing, her sister nearly in tears. She almost felt like telling them. Almost. She didn't like to see her sister suffer, or, for the most part, Ranma either. She wasn't cruel or heartless.  
But these were the two who had just ruined her.  
"Are you okay, Nabiki?" Midori asked.  
The middle Tendo sister turned away a moment to compose herself. When she glanced back, the always-cool, never-perturbed, always-in-control Nabiki Tendo was back.  
She smiled.  
"Well," she said. "Not only did Ranma outmaneuver me, he out-manipulated Akane. Quite a trick, don't you think? I don't know whether to congratulate him, or to think up an especially cruel revenge. He cost me a lot of money."  
Nabiki fingered the device in her pocket.  
Surely Ranma and Akane could survive being each other for a day or two? It might even do them some good. In the meantime, Nabiki might be able to salvage something from this whole fiasco.  
"All may not be lost," Nabiki said. "Meet my at my house, later tonight. I have a plan."  
  


***  


  
The radio alarm clock on Nabiki's headboard was tuned to a pop music station. It was playing just loud enough to mask the conversation taking place in her room.  
Nabiki sat at her desk. Her two co-conspirators, Midori and Kyoko, sat on her bed. Kyoko was turning over a small metal object in her hands. It looked like a brooch, made of pewter, carved in the shape of a grinning monkey's head.  
"This is what does it?" she asked. "Are you sure?"  
Nabiki nodded. "I haven't tried it yet, but I'd bet money on it."  
"We know where that's gotten you lately," Kyoko said, a trifle bitterly. She'd staked a lot of her own money on a Mousse victory, against her better judgment.  
"How does it work?" Midori asked.  
"As far as I know," Nabiki said, "you bump heads with someone else while wearing that brooch. The switch is instantaneous."  
"As simple as that?"  
"As simple as that," Nabiki said.  
Kyoko stood and pinned the brooch to her blouse. "Well, if we're going to do anything with this, we'd better make sure it works," she said. "Nabiki?"  
Nabiki nodded. She got up and positioned herself before her friend.  
"Anytime you're ready," Nabiki said.  
Kyoko placed her hands on either side of Nabiki's head, then brought hers forward quickly. It wasn't a collision of earth-shattering proportions, but it definitely stung. Both girls stumbled back, blinking. They glanced at each other, and then at themselves.  
"I don't believe it," Nabiki -- or was it Kyoko? -- said. "It really works! How strange!"  
"Nabiki?" Midori asked. The middle Tendo sister shook her head.  
"It's me, Kyoko," she said.  
Midori glanced to Kyoko, who nodded her head.  
"It's me, Nabiki," the girl said. "Ugh, long hair again. I never could stand that."  
"It's not a problem," Kyoko said. "The boys like it, you know."  
"Did you two really switch?" Midori asked. "I don't know if I believe you or not."  
The girl who was no longer Kyoko gave a very Nabiki-like stare. "There's only one way to know for sure, Midori," she said.  
Midori nodded and stood. One head-bump later, she stared down at her new body... Kyoko's body.  
"Wow," she said. "Okay, I believe you know. How... weird."  
"Looks like I get the grand tour," Nabiki, now in Midori's body, said.  
"This is hard on the forehead," Midori said.  
Kyoko was standing in front of the full-length mirror, staring at her new body. "I can't get used to this," she said. "This... this isn't me. This is too bizarre to believe!"  
Nabiki sat on the bed. "Okay, how do we use this? I have some ideas, but I want to hear what you two have to say."  
"Um..." Midori said, "could we switch back? This feels weird, and watching you in my body really gives me the creeps."  
"Yeah," Kyoko added, "we're not used to all this weirdness like you are, Nabiki."  
"I'm not used to..." Nabiki said, then shrugged. "Well, whatever. Let's switch back."  
Two head-butts later the girls were back in their own bodies. Kyoko again was rolling the brooch around in her hand, staring at it in fascination.  
"We can use this..." she said, "for a lot of things. A whole lot of things."  
"I have one particular use in mind," Nabiki said. "Remember what Kuno-baby told me the other day?"  
Midori's eyes went wide. "You mean about arranging a date with Akane, and you could name your price?" Kyoko glanced up quickly, her eyes also getting very big.  
Nabiki nodded. "I'm ready to name my price," she said. "Kuno-baby's going to get his date, even if I have to be the one to do it."  
  


***  


  
It was late, and the Tendo house was quiet, but in the dojo the lights were still on, and voices drifted from it, carrying on the evening breeze.  
"Come on, let's try again!"  
"No! No more!"  
"Just one more time! It's _got_ to work! It's just _got_ to!"  
"Ranma, no! We've tried seven times already! My head is starting to feel like I've gone fifteen rounds with Mohammed Ali. Enough already! We obviously don't know how it works!"  
Inside the dojo, Ranma slumped to the floor. "But I don't want to be stuck in your body," she said, her voice growing quiet.  
Akane kneeled down opposite her. "You think I want to be stuck in yours?" she asked. "Look, our fathers are still working on putting that book together. They'll work it out, eventually."  
"Eventually?" Ranma said. "Try forever! Have you seen how far they've gotten? They worked on it for a whole two hours, Akane! Then they took a break to play some shogi! If we wait for them to fix things, we'll _never_ get switched back!"  
Akane frowned. "Kasumi's back to normal, Ranma. I'm sure we'll figure it out. Maybe not our fathers, but you and I... Ranma, I don't think there's anything you can't do, when you put your mind to it, so don't lose hope! I haven't lost hope in you!"  
Ranma pounded her fist into the floor, leaving a sizable hole.  
"We're so close, Akane! You're right; I _know_ we can figure this out somehow. It's just so frustrating! The secret must be right under our noses...."  
A rustle from the dojo entrance drew their attention. Nabiki was there, leaning against the door frame, watching them. Her hands were in her pockets, idly playing with whatever was there. Her face held an odd look, somewhere between sorrow and guilt. Ranma had never seen Nabiki look like that.   
"Nabiki, is something wrong?" Ranma asked.  
Nabiki's head jerked back, almost as if she'd been slapped. "N-no," she said, sounding startled. "I was just... thinking, that's all. Thinking about what all of these switches have in common." She gave a weak smile. "No offense, Ranma, but you make a better brother-in-law than a sister."  
"Thanks, Nabiki. If you think of something, let us know."  
"Don't worry," Nabiki said. "I will. You can always count on me."  
  


***  


  
Ranma exited the bath and stepped into the family room. All of the lights were out, save the eerie glow from the television. The sound was turned down, and Akane, now a red-haired pig-tailed girl, was flopped belly-first on the floor. She hugged a pillow tightly, all of her attention focused on the late-night horror flick.  
Ranma resisted the urge to yell, "boo!"; it would be too easy, and Akane was already mad at her as it was. *As if this is all my fault,* Ranma thought.  
"Bathroom's free," Ranma said, none too loud. Akane looked up and smiled, and Ranma's heart skipped a beat.  
Strange, thought Ranma, how even a simple smile like that transformed Ranma-chan's face into something unmistakably Akane-like. Ranma had never looked like that, under any circumstances, she was certain..  
Then Akane said, "I hope you kept your eyes closed, you hentai," and the spell was broken.  
Akane headed for the bath, and Ranma headed upstairs, grumbling to herself. In the hallway she paused, momentarily confused. For the last several days she'd been sleeping in Kasumi's room, on a futon, with Kasumi in her own bed. Mr. Tendo had insisted that Ranma not sleep with her father while in Kasumi's body, so that had been the arrangement. Now that Kasumi was back in her own body, and Ranma and Akane were switched, where was Ranma to sleep? Somehow, she didn't imagine that Akane would give up her room, nor that the two of them should share the same room.  
Then again, Kasumi was already in bed, and Ranma didn't want to wake her. Sleeping in her father's room would be a mistake, for which she'd have to answer to Mr. Tendo in the morning. Ranma shrugged, heading to Akane's room. Perhaps, given that Akane was the boy (at least part of the time), it would not be a problem. All Ranma really wanted to do was sleep.  
On Akane's bed there was a black pig with a black and yellow bandanna around it's neck. It sat up as the door opened, squealing in delight.  
Ranma blinked. Ryoga had not been at the fight today. He had no way of knowing who she was.  
"Why, if it isn't P-Chan!" Ranma exclaimed in her best imitation-Akane voice. The pig leaped straight for her chest, and Ranma caught it and held it in a fierce hug. It was, in fact, a _very_ fierce hug.  
The pig squealed in alarm, and not a little pain. Ranma laughed, and then held the pig out at arm's length by the collar.  
The pig took one look at her face and grunted something that sounded like "Uh-oh!"  
"Nice try, pig," Ranma said, "but you ain't sleeping in my bed tonight, got it?" Ranma threw open the window and held the pig up to her face. "Sayonara, Ryoga-chan," she said. The pig's eyes went wide with shock. Ranma laughed and launched P-Chan into the night.  
_That_ ought to give pig-boy something to think about, Ranma thought with satisfaction.  
  


END PART SEVEN  
***  


  
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back! Write something different!  
  
Enjoy! And if you don't, write me anyway!  
  
M.A. Davis aka "Miko"  
belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

  
Part 8 of more than 6 parts.  
  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
Previous chapters at:  
http://members.xoom.com/bellchan/  
We've moved! Update your links!  
  
This was going to be the last chapter of my story. However, I caved into reality when I realized that part 8 was threatening to be much longer than even part 7 (over 50k). So, I cut it in half. Part 9 will definitely be the end, and is close to being done, although I keep adding scenes. ^_^  
  
Thanks to my prereaders this time around, Harold Ancel and Mike Allen, arigato! My story was improved! To those who offered but were ignored or who ignored me, gomen nasai! ^_^ If you want to preread part nine tell me!  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting   
PART EIGHT  


  
A small fire burned in the back yard of the Tendo Dojo. A young red-haired girl leaned over it, her eyes focused on the hot flames. For several moments she remained frozen, then her hands became a blur as they darted in and out of the fire. On each pass, she pulled out a small round object.  
"Did you see that?" she exclaimed excitedly. She held out the objects in her hands. "Did you see me do that? That's the Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken! The chestnut fist! Can you believe I did that? Did you see how fast my hands moved?"  
Seated on the engawa was a girl with dark, short hair, wearing shorts and a simple top. Her head was propped up in her hands. She looked bored, and more than a little annoyed.  
"Yeah, whatever," she said.  
"I'm going to do it again!" the redhead said, and she did.  
"Can you believe how fast I am?" she exclaimed.  
"Big deal," the second girl said. "It's only because you're in my body."  
"Hey, Ranma," the redhead said, "want to arm wrestle?"  
"No!"  
"Come on! Just once!" When her offer got no response, the redhead said, "Okay, then, let's spar. I promise I'll go easy on you, this time! Maybe you'll actually beat me!"  
The dark-haired girl closed her eyes and sighed. "Man, all I want is to get my own body back, okay?"  
Akane, the red-head, sat down next to Ranma, the dark-haired one. "I know," she said. "Maybe we should help put Tofu-Sensei's book back together."  
"If you ask me, we should talk to the old ghoul," Ranma said.  
"Dad wouldn't like that...."  
"Hey, if he was in your body, would he hesitate? He'd be at the Nekohanten in a flash!"  
Akane made a strange face. "Dad, in my body? Ugh. Why did you have to suggest that, Ranma? That's sick."  
"It could be worse," Ranma said. "You could switch with _my_ dad. Or Kuno, or Kuno's dad, or Kuno's sister, or even Happosai...."  
"Ranma, knock it off!" Akane yelled. "Yuck! Now I'm going to have nightmares from just thinking about all of that!"  
"Sorry."  
The two stared at the koi pond for a while.  
"I wonder where P-Chan is?" Akane said. "I haven't seen him for several days."  
A large sweatdrop appeared on Ranma's head.  
"Oh, you know him," Ranma said, "always wandering off. I'm sure he'll turn up eventually."  
"Yeah, I guess you're right," Akane said. "Still, I can't help worrying. What if something's happened to him? He's only a little pig. He could be in a lot of trouble!"  
"I'm sure he's all right."  
"Well," Akane said, looking down at herself and then at her fiancée, "I'm not sure I'd want him to show up just now. He'd probably be scared of me, and I'm sure you'd do something mean to him."  
Ranma didn't have an answer for that one. Akane raised an eyebrow.  
"Promise me, Ranma, if P-Chan shows up, you'll be nice to him! Don't do anything mean, okay? I don't want him scared of me. Promise?"  
"Sure," Ranma said. "If I see the pig again, I'll try to be nice."  
"You have to do better than try, Ranma!" She paused, and then got a gleam in her eye. She laughed. "Remember, Ranma, I'm in your body now. I can cause a lot of problems for you in a short amount of time."  
Ranma swallowed hard, realizing the truth in those words. If he caused any real trouble for Akane, she could more than pay him back, and with very little effort.  
"I promise, Akane," Ranma said.  
"I heard that, Ranma!"  
Ryoga shoved his way through the bushes in the corner of the yard and came forward. He looked straight at Ranma -- the real Ranma, the one who looked like Akane. "I knew something was strange last night! I knew Akane could never act that way! You jerk, Ranma! Why are you in Akane's body? You're an even bigger pervert than I thought!"  
"Ryoga?" Akane asked. "You were here last night? With Ranma?"  
The wanderer froze. "A-A-Akane," he said, nervously. "I-I-I-I was... I..."  
"Oh," Ranma said, "didn't I tell you? When I went upstairs, guess who I found in your room?"  
Akane's eyes went wide. "Ryoga? You were in my room? What in the world were you doing in there?"  
Ryoga's face took on a look of absolute horror. "I wasn't..." he said. "I mean, I didn't... it wasn't... AAAAAAARGH!!!"  
Ryoga turned and fled, vanishing in a single moment. Akane blinked in confusion, then looked at Ranma.  
"Hey, I tried to be nice," Ranma said, defensively.  
"Honestly, Ranma, what's with that boy? What was he doing in my room?"  
"Don't worry about it," Ranma said. "He was probably just lost or something. Do you really think he could find your room on purpose?"  
  


***  


  
Akane and Ranma sparred out back. Kasumi, Father, and Mr. Saotome watched while drinking tea. Happosai was off doing whatever it was he did with his collection. Nabiki looked around once more, making absolutely certain she was alone.  
Nabiki picked up the phone.  
Moments later, after a mercifully brief conversation with the Black Rose, Nabiki heard Tatewaki Kuno.  
"Nabiki Tendo, greetings," Kuno said with in his usual calm, collected voice. "To what do I owe the pleasure of hearing your voice?"  
"Kuno," Nabiki said, "are you still interested in that date with Akane?"  
There was a huge intake of breath on the other end of the line. "YES! OH, YES! Nabiki Tendo, can you truly arange this thing for me? Praise the heavens above! Surely you are like an angel sent from my noble ancestors in my darkest hour of need!"  
Nabiki smiled. Oh, but this was going to be easy! It was like stealing cream from a kitten!  
"I can arrange it," Nabiki said, "but it's going to cost you, Kuno. Earlier, you said I could name my price."  
"Yes! Those were indeed my very words. Name it, Nabiki Tendo, and I will be forever in your debt!"  
Nabiki named her price.  
There was silence at the other end.  
The silence continued for one minute, then two.  
"Hello? Kuno?" Nabiki said. "Are you there?"  
The phone line went dead.  
Nabiki frowned, putting the phone down. She took a step back, staring at it.  
Could it be that even Kuno had his limits?  
She fought the panic rising within her breast. Visions filled her head of bankruptcy, of going hungry and of selling flowers on the street. What if she had to borrow money? Who would have sympathy for her? What... what if she had to borrow money from _Ranma_?  
*No. This can't be happening,* she thought. *I know Kuno too well! His obsessions border on the psychotic. He meditates on his two loves. He has giant photos of them covering his walls. He plans entire days around his pursuit of them. I know he has the money; how can he refuse to pay?*  
It's just one date, a part of her mind replied. It's something he might reasonably expect to arrange himself. He has his samurai pride. Why does he need you?  
Could it be that she needed Kuno more than he needed her? She found the very idea sickening.  
Nabiki willed herself to remain calm. Kuno was just momentarily stunned; he'd call back. He was desperate... more desperate than her. He had to call.  
  


***  


  
Soun and Genma were seated on the engawa out back, sipping iced tea and taking in the beautiful day. The sun shone bright, a light breeze tugged at the trees, and everything was well with the world.  
Soun smiled at his friend. "Kasumi's back to normal," he said. Indeed, his eldest daughter knelt nearby, a smile on her face, looking none the worse for wear. "Everything's better now, friend Saotome. True, we may never discover the secret of monkey head-butting, but that hardly matters, does it?"  
Akane and Ranma, sparring in the yard, both paused.  
"Truer words were never spoken, friend Tendo. The future of the dojo is secure once more."  
"But Father," Kasumi said, "Ranma and Akane are still in the wrong bodies."  
"That may be," Soun replied, "but that doesn't prevent them from getting married...."  
"WHAT?" Ranma and Akane yelled together.  
Genma nodded sagely. "Yes, Soun, it hardly matters if my son marries your daughter, or if my daughter marries your son... the school will be maintained either way."  
"Too true, Saotome. I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a son."  
"Literally, Tendo, literally!"  
Akane and Ranma stared at their parents, dumbfounded.  
"Me marry a girl?!?" Akane yelled. "In your dreams! Dad, how could you suggest such a thing? Not to mention I'd be, in essence, marrying myself!"  
"I am NOT going to be anyone's bride! Especially that kawaiikune tomboy's!"  
Akane spun on Ranma, eyes lit with anger. "Look who's talking! YOU'RE the kawaiikune tomboy now!"  
"Then I guess that makes you the stupid hentai!" Ranma fired back.  
"Me? You're the pervert! I bet you're enjoying being in that body of mine."  
"Hey! I didn't ask to be put in this flat-chested, wide-hipped, uncute..."  
From nowhere Akane produced a giant mallet and laid it upside Ranma's head. The dark-haired girl sailed into the koi pond, and came up sputtering.  
"Now look what you made me do!" Akane yelled. "I'm hitting my own body!"  
"What _I_ made you do? I didn't make you do nothing!"  
"Oh, Akane," Kasumi said, "you really shouldn't be hitting girls you know, now that you're a boy. I mean, I realize you're not a boy right at the moment, but... oh, this is so confusing!"  
Soun and Genma laughed. "You see?" Soun said. "Nothing's really changed. We're practically back to normal!"  
"Another thing," Genma said, "Ranma's become a good cook and a good housekeeper. She doesn't need the bridal training that Akane would."  
"_Bridal _training!" Akane yelled. "Give me a break!" She placed a hand to her forhead. "I can't believe I'm hearing this. From my own family, yet!"  
"Akane's right, Father," Kasumi said. "It wouldn't be right for Akane to be the husband and Ranma the bride."  
Genma frowned, rubbing his chin with his hand. "Well, there's always the nannichuan... the spring of drowned man. We can dunk Ranma into it, and then let them decide who's to be the wife and who's to be the husband..."  
"An excellent idea, friend Saotome!"  
"Father!" Akane exclaimed.  
Ranma smirked. "Hey, that could work. How do you think this body would look as a man? I mean, as uncute as it is, I'm already halfway there. And avoiding hot water would be a lot easier to do...."  
"Ranma, you idiot! Get serious! You can NOT keep my body!"  
Genma stood up. "No use arguing about it now," he said. "If we don't discover the secret of monkey head-butting in the next few days, then we can talk about this again." He turned to Akane. "Come, Akane, what would you say to a little sparring? I'm interested to see how much you can do in that new body of yours."  
"It's not 'my new body'!" Akane said. "This is just temporary." But when Genma jumped to the roof, she quickly followed.  
Ranma watched them go. "A little bit too eager there, aren't you, Akane?" she asked, of no one in particular. "Man, I'm gonna go nuts if this doesn't get solved soon."  
  


***  


  
Ranma studied the list of ingredients and order of preparation carefully.  
As usual, she related cooking to martial arts. With cooking, you had to do everything as instructed. Improper timing or minor mistakes with the ingredients could ruin everything, just as a slow or improper move to block could mean lights out in a match. Some of the maneuvers required for good cooking were like katas; practice made perfect.  
Ranma had been practicing. Not only was she ready to prove Happosai wrong, she was also ready to prove that good food could come from the hands of Akane, so long as someone else controlled them.  
"Let's see," she muttered to herself, "Chicken, check. Pork, check. Yunnan ham, check. Beefsteak, check. Shrimp, check. Cucumbers, scallions, carrots, garlic, chilies, bell pepper, cauliflower, zucchini, beans, a little ginger root... yeah, I got it all. Stock from Cologne, check. Spices, sauces, oils, rice wine...." She paused to roll up her sleeves, then performed a simple kata to center herself. "Okay! Let's go to it!"  
Moments later she had most of the chicken boiling in a pot and began slicing and dicing the rest of the vegetables in preparation for the main bout of cooking.  
  


***  


  
Nabiki Tendo sat at the foot of the stairs, near the phone. She'd been there an hour, answering every time it rang. So far she'd had two wrong numbers, someone conducting a radio station survey, and a dojo student calling to say he was sick and would miss tomorrow's class. Still, Nabiki held out hope that Kuno would call back. She didn't, at this point, have any other option.  
The phone rang. "Got it!" Nabiki called out, snatching up the phone once again.  
It was Kuno. Nabiki felt confidence surge through her again. She tried to remain calm.  
"Kuno-sama," she said, her voice composed. "I was afraid you'd given up on your sweet Akane."  
"Never!" Kuno replied with conviction. "However, Nabiki, you have placed an outrageous price on this date. If it were not for my great love of the beauteous Akane Tendo, I would never agree to it."  
"Then you agree?" Nabiki tried to quell the excitement in her voice.  
"Yes," Kuno said. "I will have the money deposited to your bank account on the morrow, providing this evening's date is satisfactory."  
"Satisfactory?" Nabiki asked, brought up short. "What, pray tell, do you mean by that?"  
"One," Kuno said, "Akane will be ready for me at 4:30 exactly. Two, Akane and I will dine in one of the finest restaurants in Nerima, without interruption. Three, we will walk in the moonlight and speak of our love for each other. Four, when I have escorted her to the gates of the Tendo domicile, we will kiss passionately, just as the pig-tailed girl and I have done. These four things are what I require for a successful date, Nabiki Tendo. Only then will I feel that I have treated my two loves with equality."  
Nabiki blanched, wondering if she could actually go through with this. But she needed the money, more than she'd ever needed money in her life. She swallowed hard.  
"Okay," she said, managing to sound confident, "but you'll meet Akane downtown, not here. Name the place, and she'll be there. I... ah, hope the two of you have a wonderful time...."  
  


***  


  
The name for Bon-Bon (or Bang-Bang) Chicken comes from the way the meat is beaten in order to tenderize it. Ranma pounded away, thinking that this was a part of the recipe that Akane could really get into.  
*Guess all of that brute strength is good for something,* she thought to herself. *I wonder what else I can do with it?*  
"Ohmygod! Akane?"  
Ranma looked up. Nabiki stood in the kitchen doorway, looking horrified.  
"Don't worry, Nabiki," Ranma said. "It's only me, Ranma."  
Relief washed over Nabiki's face. "Oh, yes, of course, I forgot. It was just the shock of seeing Akane in the kitchen...."  
"Exactly what is that supposed to mean, Nabiki?"  
Akane and Genma came through the front door, dripping sweat, having worked out for over an hour. Genma beamed. "She's nearly as good as Ranma!" he exclaimed.  
Akane smiled. "That was actually fun!" she said. "Although you need to stop calling me 'boy'."  
"Sorry, boy... force of habit."  
Genma came to an abrupt halt as they reached the entrance to the kitchen. Fear crawled over his face.  
"It's not Akane, remember..." Nabiki said.  
"Oh, yes," Genma replied, composing himself.  
"Hey! I'm standing right here you know!" Akane said.  
"Well, as I was saying... with her training, Akane's far better prepared to take advantage of Ranma's body and reflexes than Kasumi was. Why, within a month or two she could probably duplicate Ranma's skill exactly!"  
"Mr. Saotome, I'm NOT going to stay in Ranma's body for 'a month or two'! We're going to switch back as soon as possible!"  
"That's right," Ranma said. She began shredding the chicken with her hands. "Besides, fighting is half mental. She might have my reflexes, and strength, but that doesn't make her my equal."  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Akane retorted. "Are you trying to say I'm stupid or something?"  
"Hey, don't twist my words around!"  
"If anything," Nabiki said, "Akane's smarter than Ranma. She gets consistently better grades..."  
"She might be a better student in English and Math," Ranma growled, "but I'm the better student of martial arts!"  
"Hey, I'm a martial artist too!"  
"Ranma's right, for once," Genma said, "hard as it might be to believe...."  
Ranma rolled her eyes. "No respect at all..." she muttered.  
"Akane doesn't have Ranma's experience to draw upon," Genma continued. "That can only come with time and many battles."  
"I've been in a few battles too, you know," Akane said.  
"Sure," Ranma replied, "but you've got to admit, none of them were as brutal as yesterday with Mousse."  
"Well..." she said, "after all, he _is_ pretty good."   
Ranma nodded. "Right now, you're a match for Mousse, not to mention Kuno, Ukyo, or Shampoo... but you're no match for Ryoga, to say nothing of Tarou or Herb."  
"You're no match for Tarou on your best day," Akane retorted.  
Genma wandered off towards the bathroom, while Soun Tendo appeared from the family room. Soun took one look into kitchen and began to sweat. "A... Akane?" He asked.  
"It's not me, Dad. Remember?"  
"Oh, yes," he said, laughing nervously. "Thank goodness for that!"  
"Sheesh! When are you people going to grow up?!? I'm not THAT bad a cook!"  
  


***  


  
Nabiki jumped up to answer the door the moment the doorbell rang. Her friend Kyoko stood on the porch, as expected.  
"Nabiki?" she asked, tentatively.  
"It's still me," Nabiki replied. "I haven't had a chance to do it, yet. Ranma's busy with his cooking challenge; I'll have to wait until this afternoon. Kuno's not supposed to come by until about 4:30, so I've got some time."  
"I can't believe you're going to do this," Kyoko said.  
Nabiki smiled. "Oh, it won't be my first date with Kuno-chan."  
"I know," Kyoko said, "but this will be different."  
"You get to see it all," Nabiki said. She handed Kyoko a black leather bag with a wide shoulder strap. "You _do_ know how to use that, don't you?"  
"Please," Kyoko said. "I've taken my share of photographs. You're hardly the only extortionist in school."  
Nabiki smiled. "I knew there was a reason we get along so well!"  
"Don't worry," Kyoko said. "I'll take as many shots as I can. I'll be sure to get a few suitable for enlarging, framing, and placing in the walls of the Kuno mansion ... assuming there are open spaces left."  
"There aren't many," Nabiki said.  
Kyoko shrugged. "I suppose he could put some on the ceiling."  
"Trust me," Nabiki said, "he's already thought of that."  
  


***  


  
Happosai sat at the Tendo family table, a bib tied around his neck and a special set of chopsticks held in one hand. "Come on!" he called out, pounding the table. "Let's get the show on the road! I've got a busy schedule today, and I want to get this over with!"  
Akane emerged from the kitchen, carrying a steaming plate of food. At least, it _looked_ like Akane. Happosai, having been warned about the new round of switched bodies, managed to only twitch once at the sight. However, it was evident from the food itself that this was not actually Akane's cooking. The meal was elaborately arranged, and quite pleasing to look at.  
Within the next two minutes Ranma set several more dishes on the table, all equally pleasing to the eye. There was rice, both steamed and fried, and spicy stir-fried vegetables. There was a plate of pork dumplings, a bowl of soup, and several main dishes.  
"Crispy shredded beef?" Happosai said, piling food onto his plate. "Ma-Po Tofu? This is Szechuan food, or from that general area. Oh, look! Deep-fried shrimp, with scallions, and a spicy peppercorn dip!"  
The not-so-venerable master of the anything-goes school paused to glare at his gender-challenged student.   
"Nice try, Ranma! You think you can win by cooking something Kasumi's never made? It won't be that easy, my boy! Why, in my youth I traveled the length and breadth of China, savoring meals from the finest chefs in the land. Think you can compete with that? Ha!"  
Soun and Mr. Panda looked on, weeping. Soun wept for the cost of the lavish meal, while the Panda wept that it be eaten by someone who did not appreciate it as he would.  
Happosai took a bite. His eyes went wide with surprise.  
"It's... it's not bad..." he said. He took a few more bites.  
"...not bad at all, actually," he added. Suddenly he wolfed the entire plate down, then quickly slurped up the three-flavor soup.  
"Well?" Ranma asked.  
"Okay, it's good," Happosai said. "I admit it. But not good enough."  
"Not good enough?" Ranma said, bristling.  
"You're a talented cook, Ranma," Happosai said. "You're much better than I gave you credit for. But as good as Kasumi? Ha! That'll be the day! Face it boy! You've lost! You never even stood a chance!"  
"I'm not done yet!" Ranma growled. She produced another meal and set it on the table. Happosai's eyes went wide with surprise.  
"Bon-Bon Chicken?" he croaked. "Why, I haven't had that in...." His eyes went out of focus as the memories washed over him. "It's been so long, so very long...."  
He snapped back into focus, glaring at Ranma.  
"Ha! This seals your fate, Ranma! You may not have realized it, but in my youth I was in love with a woman who made Bon-Bon Chicken for me every Sunday! It was her specialty, and one of my favorite foods! Nobody makes it like she did! Nobody!" The diminuative master stabbed the air in Ranma's direction with his chopsticks. "Do you see, boy? You've fallen into a trap! How can you possibly compete against the cooking of my love, one hundred years gone? You're finished, boy! Doomed! Ha ha ha ha ha!"  
Happosai paused, then took a bite. Again, his eyes grew wide.  
"There must be some mistake," he muttered. He glanced back at Ranma. "Are you sure you made this yourself?"  
"I saw her do it," Nabiki said. Akane and Soun chimed in, while Mr. Panda held up a "Ranma did it" sign.  
Happosai took another bite. He chewed thoughtfully, then swallowed. Then, so quickly that his movements could not be tracked, he devoured the rest of the meal.  
"More!" he demanded, handing the plate back to Ranma.  
"Ha!" Ranma said. "You _like_ it, don't you?"  
Happosai's eyes narrowed. "Exactly where did you learn to cook like this?"  
"Two words," Ranma said. "Special training."  
"Ha! I knew it!" the old man crowed. "This is Cologne's old recipe, I'd bet my life on it! Oh, it takes me back to my youth... those were blessed, carefree days, wandering the world, seeking my fortune...." he paused, glaring at Ranma again, "...before I had to deal with ungrateful students!"  
"Do you want more," Ranma said, "or don't you?"  
"Yes!" Happosai said, assuming his best puppy-dog-eyes, please-take-pity-on-me look. "More! Please! More!"  
  


***  


  
Tears flowed down Happosai's face. He sniffled, then blew his nose. He might have been mistaken for Soun Tendo, give or take four feet.  
"I know you don't appreciate them like I do," he said in a choked voice. "Just promise me you'll try to take care of them, okay? That's all I ask, that you try to treat them with even a little of the love and respect I've lavished on them."  
Ranma looked at his perverted master, then at the pile of pastel underwear. It rose to a height of more than four feet, dominating the center of Akane's room. Akane sat on the bed, in shock, while Nabiki stood nearby, smirking.  
"Give me a break!" Ranma yelled. "Where the heck did you get all of this? This can't all be Akane's!"  
"I'm afraid it is," Nabiki said. "He's been stealing multiple pairs a week for more than a year."  
"So what's it got to do with me?" Ranma growled.  
"The deal," Nabiki said, "was that, if you win, Akane would get her underwear back. Now that you're Akane, all of this is yours, Ranma! Enjoy yourself!"  
"En... joy...?" Ranma said. "Now what's _that_ supposed to mean?"  
"Don't worry, Ranma," Nabiki said. "There's nothing hentai about a girl collecting girl's underwear."  
"Hentai!" Ranma said. "I'm not collecting... I didn't do this... I didn't want... aaaargh! I'm not interested in girl's underwear!"  
"How can you say that about my pretties!" Happosai cried. "I put my heart and soul into collecting them!"  
"Of _course_ you're not interested, Ranma," Nabiki said. "Really, I believe you. Now, don't just leave them sitting in a pile like that. Fold them and put them away, okay?"  
Kasumi appeared in the doorway. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "Where will we put it all? I'd better find a few extra boxes!"  
Akane finally stirred. "I... I'll help you, Ranma," she said. "Kasumi and Nabiki will help too, I'm sure." She glared pointedly at Nabiki, who looked back at her with disdain.  
Nabiki sighed. "Okay, I'll help." She lifted a pair from the top of the pile and held them up, frowning. "Pink teddy bears?" She looked over at Ranma. "How cute."  
"It's not like they're mine!" Ranma protested.  
"Oh, they're yours now." Nabiki said. "In fact, you could wear these to school tomorrow."  
"No!" A look of horror crossed Ranma's face. At least... at least Kasumi's underwear had been more practical than cute... "No, I could never...."  
"Of course you could, dear _Akane_. You've done it before, right?"  
  


***  


  
Folding panties was not an exciting way to spend the afternoon, but with the knowledge of what awaited her that evening, Nabiki cherished every moment. With four of them, the work went quickly, and she had fun causing Ranma and Akane no end of embarassment. Unfortunately, she couldn't stave off the inevitable. As the clock crept towards three o'clock, and they placed the last of the underwear into Akane's dresser, Nabiki made her move.  
Slipping a hand around Ranma's shoulder, she placed the brooch at the back of Ranma's neck, just inside her collar, and moved forward, quickly. Their heads collided, and the brooch slipping from her hand and down the back of Ranma's shirt. Only it was _her_ shirt, now. She felt the object nestled at the base of her spine, trapped by her belt.  
"Gomen, Ranma," she said. "I didn't mean to hit you...." Her voice trailed off as she stared down at herself. "What happened?" she asked, trying to sound confused. "What am I doing wearing Akane's clothes?"  
"Not again!" Ranma cried in dismay.  
Akane and Kasumi's eyes grew wide. "What, you've switched with Nabiki now?" Akane said. "Who's it gonna be next? Dad? Grandfather Happosai?"  
"No!" Ranma said. "No more! It ends here! Tell me, Nabiki, what did we do? Aside from bump heads, that is. I was sitting here... you touched my neck...." Ranma frowned. "That's it. Nothing in common with the other switches that I can tell. Aaaargh! Why can't we can figure this out?!?"  
She turned on Akane. "Maybe it only works at certain times of the day!" she exclaimed. "Akane! Bump heads with me!"  
"What? That would put me in my sister's body! If anything, I'd just as soon bump heads with my own body...."  
Ignoring her protests, Ranma launched herself at her former body. Their heads collided, without any apparent effect.  
"IT'S NOT WORKING!" Ranma screamed. "What am I doing wrong?!?"  
Nabiki sat down on Akane's bed. While pretending to adjust her clothing, she quickly pulled her top loose and worked the brooch free. Once it was in her hands, she felt a bit safer. Luckily, Akane didn't seem inclined to bump heads without warning.   
Her sister's body was shorter, more powerful and compact than her own. It was different, but not _too_ different, and she wasn't interested in exploring those differences. She had no plans to get involved in martial arts as Kasumi had done; just a few hours with Kuno, a quick kiss, and she was out of here.  
"Well, this ought to be interesting," Nabiki said. "I get to be my own sister. At least my hair's still short...."  
  


***  


  
Ranma and Akane lay sprawled out in the family room, watching television. It wasn't Ranma's favorite pastime, but she saw no point in working out while in Nabiki's body, especially when she might be someone else tomorrow. Luckily an old Jackie Chan flick was showing. Ranma was always up for goofy, mindless action, no matter what body she was in.  
Akane was in red-haired girl form, and wearing some of her own clothing, loose shorts and a yellow top. Ranma had on a pair of Nabiki's short shorts and a loose tee-shirt. Shorts weren't Ranma's style, but Nabiki's jeans were as tight and confining as a straight jacket, and Ranma wasn't about to put on another dress.  
"Now I've been every Tendo sister in the house," Ranma said. "That's it. I'm going to go to the ghoul, right after this movie."  
"Not tonight, Ranma," Akane said. "It'll be too late. After school tomorrow, okay?"  
"But I don't want to go to school as Nabiki!"  
Akane placed her hand on her forehead. "Why do these things happen to you, Ranma? Our life was almost normal before you showed up."  
"If you call getting attacked by half the school every morning normal," Ranma said.  
"You know what I mean!"  
Ranma sighed. "I don't know what it is, Akane. I've got this weirdness magnet or something."  
Someone could be heard coming down the stairs, and the two glanced up to see Nabiki, in a red dress, with a jacket on and a purse slung over her shoulder.  
"Where are you going, in my body?" Akane asked, voice laced with suspicion.  
"I have plans for the evening," Nabiki said. "I'm not going to let being in my sister's body spoil them. Ta ta!"  
The door closed behind her, and there was silence. Akane and Ranma looked at each other.  
"Did she look just a little dressed up to you?" Ranma asked.  
"A little?" Akane said. "That's one of my best dresses!"  
"And didn't she seem to take this whole switching thing a little too calmly?" Ranma continued.  
"Now that you mention it," Akane said, "she _was_ pretty calm about it. I mean, Nabiki's usually calm, but she's also usually in her own body...."  
"I don't know what it is," Ranma said, "but she's up to something. She was on the phone off and on all afternoon, you know."  
Akane's eyes narrowed. "I didn't notice," she said. "I guess I was out fighting your dad at the time. What could she be up to now?"  
"I'm not sure I want to know."  
"Well _I_ do!" Akane said, getting up. "Come on, Ranma! That's my body she's in, so we're following her."  
"Ah, man," Ranma said, "right before a fight scene!"  
  


***  
END PART EIGHT  
  
  
  


  
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back! Write something different!  
Enjoy! And if you don't, write me anyway!  
  
M.A. Davis aka "Miko"  
belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
  



	9. Chapter 9

  
  
A very big thanks to my prereaders, Harold Ancell, Michael Allen, Gary Kleppe, and David Eddy. My story would have been a bit different, and for the worse, if not for the timely comments of my wonderful prereaders! May the muse of fan fiction (still trying to figure out exactly who that is) look upon them benevolently!  
  
Part 9 of more than 6 parts. Not to mention the end.  
  
Monkey Head Butting!  
m a davis/miko belldandy@angelic.com  
Previous chapters at:  
http://members.xoom.com/bellchan/  
We've moved! Update your links!  
  
This is the last chapter of my story.  
  
Others have suggested some pretty interesting plots that I might have tackled. I don't plan to write any sequels or alternate stories to this... it's not a series continuation, alternate universe, or crossover story, so it doesn't really need anything else tacked on... but if anyone wants to do another story using mine as a springboard, feel free. ^_^ (cue eerie music) "Pick up the monkey brooch... put on the monkey brooch..."  
  
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.  
  


Monkey Head Butting PART NINE  


  
It was late afternoon on a sunny Sunday, and two figures stalked a third through the streets of Nerima. Ranma and Akane, in the bodies of Nabiki and Ranma, respectively, followed Nabiki, in the body of Akane.  
Nabiki hopped a train into downtown Tokyo. Once there, she walked a half-dozen blocks and entered a department store.  
Ranma and Akane followed, trying their best not to be seen. As they stepped into the department store, however, they came to a halt.  
"Where is she?" Akane asked. "Do you see her?"  
Ranma shook her head. "Maybe she's just shopping, after all."  
"No," Akane said. "What's she going to shop for, in my body?"  
"I don't know," Ranma said. "Something for you, maybe?"  
"Not likely," Akane replied, scanning the crowded store. "Anyway, my birthday's eight months away. You know that."  
In fact, Ranma didn't know that. She made a mental note of the fact, then promptly forgot it.  
"Let's split up," Akane said. "I go left, you go right. She's got to be in here somewhere."  
  


***  


  
"One of these days Kuno's going to wake up and realize that he can hire a professional photographer any time he wants to, for less money than he pays us."  
Kyoko snapped another shot, then adjusted the telephoto lens. The sun was setting on the horizon. Across the street, seated right behind a floor-to-ceiling window, Tatewaki Kuno and (by all appearances) Akane Tendo were having dinner.  
"Not before we graduate, I hope," Midori replied, snapping a few pictures of her own.  
"About that dress," Kyoko said. She glanced at Midori's orange and yellow print sun dress, her sandals, and her wide-brimmed hat. "Not exactly what I'd wear for a surveillance mission." she said, a little disdainfully.  
"It's hot," Midori said. "Please note, you're the only one on the street with an overcoat on, and dressed all in black, no less. If people are staring, then it isn't at me."  
Kyoko kept her eyes glued to the camera, snapping away. "Whatever," she said. "Anyway, as long as Kuno doesn't notice...."  
"...Which he won't...."  
"...we'll be fine." Kyoko reeled off another six shots, then paused to rewind and reload.  
"That's enough for now," she said. "You get some good shots?"  
"Don't worry," Midori said, hefting her camera. "I know better than to blow an opportunity like this. If Kuno really pays up...."  
"He will. He's delusional, but also a man of his word."  
"As I was saying, if he pays up, we're solvent again, but hardly rich. I've got my eyes on a new dress, and these photos are my ticket to it."  
"I hear you, loud and clear," Kyoko said. "That's why, above all else...."  
"Don't screw up on the kiss," Midori said.  
  


***  


  
Ranma and Akane searched the five-story department store thoroughly. They searched the surrounding area in a several-block radius, finally winding up back at the department store.  
Ranma stated the obvious. "She ditched us."  
Akane nodded. "She must have seen you. You're not exactly a master ninja...."  
"Hey! Who's to say she didn't spot you?"  
"Anyway," Akane said, "this has been pointless. We'd better head home."  
"We could stop in to see the ghoul," Ranma suggested.  
"Yeah, let's do that," Akane said, distracted. She stared at the dresses on display in front of them. She took one and held it up. "Think Nabiki would like this?" she asked.  
Ranma studied it critically. "I don't know. She doesn't wear dresses that much, does she? And when she does, they're more business-like. That one's more your style, isn't it?"  
"I suppose it is," Akane said. She gave Ranma a look of appraisal. "Since when did you start noticing how Nabiki dresses, anyway?" She asked.  
"Well," Ranma said, "I went through her wardrobe just two hours ago, of course...."  
"Oh. Of course." Akane put the dress back, then moved to another rack. "It's just, that comment of yours about her doing shopping for me while in my body got me to thinking. Nabiki's birthday is only a month off, and I haven't bought her anything yet. Since we're already here, we might as well not waste the opportunity."  
Akane selected another dress. "Okay, Miss Fashion Expert, how about this one?"  
"Better," Ranma said.  
Akane checked the price tag, then glanced about. "Do you see a changing booth around here?"  
"Why? You're going to try it on? I thought it was for Nabiki."  
"No, stupid," she said. She gave Ranma's body a nice, long look. "You are. You're the one in her body, right?"  
Ranma got a look of horror on her face. "No! No way! I am _not_ going to play dress-up again!"  
"Come on, Ranma," Akane said. "You haven't bought her anything either, have you? Help me out, and you can say it's a gift from both of us...."  
  


***  


  
Kuno strolled with Nabiki through the streets of Nerima, talking about kamisama only knew what -- Nabiki wasn't listening. The meal had been quite good, the most expensive thing she could order, and Kuno had held up both ends of the conversation admirably, allowing Nabiki to ignore it all. But the long walk under the moonlight, with his arm about her waist, was getting on her nerves.  
They paused on a bridge over the river and watched as the moon passed behind a cloud, then reappeared. Moonlight danced on the water.  
"The moon is like a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,"said Kuno, reflectively.  
"Yeah," Nabiki said. "Whatever."  
"My soul rides on that ship," Kuno continued. "My soul is tossed about as if in a storm of fear and doubt. How can I tell what is real from what is only delusion?"  
"I can bang you on the head, if you'd like," Nabiki said.  
Kuno wrapped her hands in his. "Oh, fair Akane! How like a dream this night has been! Often have I traveled these paths, with my arm around you, only to awaken to the sure knowledge and the certain despair that what I thought real was nothing more than the stuff of dreams! How can I know that the fates do not tempt me yet again?"  
"Are you done?" Nabiki asked, trying to free her hands.  
"Kiss me, Akane! Let thy love rain down on my heart, so that I will know the truth from the lie!"  
"Impossible," Nabiki said. "The deal was for one kiss only, in front of the Tendo Doj... HEY!"  
Kuno's mouth darted forward, seeking hers. Nabiki turned her head, allowing him to slobber all over her cheek. As he pulled back, Nabiki leaned in and rubbed her cheek dry on his shoulder.  
*Yuck! Gross!* Nabiki thought. Then she straightened up. *I'm getting paid for this,* she reminded herself. *I'm getting paid a huge sum. For such a price, is there anything I wouldn't do, within reason?*  
One kiss. It wasn't so much, was it? Her lips would touch his, for a moment, and then she'd be debt free. It was a slam-dunk deal.  
So why was she so nervous about it? It wasn't as if they were _her_ lips, even. Technically, they were Akane's lips. Rented lips. Borrowed lips. Not hers at all.  
Or was that the problem? Nabiki couldn't help guilty about what she was doing.  
They resumed walking, but the closer to her home, the more she felt a panic well up within her. Kuno was far from her ideal date. He was rich enough for her, and easy to manipulate, a definite plus, but he was also arrogant, tied to tradition, and more than a little delusional. Besides, he was more handsome than cute. Nabiki preferred cute.  
It was only one kiss.  
Finally Kuno stopped. He turned Nabiki to face him. They were there, she realized, standing before the Tendo gate. Kuno gazed into her eyes with a hunger that caused bile to rise in her throat  
"One kiss, dear Akane," he said, "and I shall leave you. One kiss, to prove that this is more than a dream."  
Kuno leaned down to claim his reward.  
They bumped heads.  
Nabiki stumbled back, cursing. Did this fool not even know how to kiss?  
She began to sweat big time. What if they'd switched? Thank the gods the brooch was hidden in her room, rather than on her person. She went pale to think about what might have been....  
"My apologies, fair Akane," Kuno said. "Perhaps I am too eager." He leaned in again.  
Nabiki gave him a quick peck on the lips, then pulled back. Kuno was having none of it. Grasping her tightly, he crushed his lips against hers, his tongue forcing its way into her mouth.  
Nabiki gagged, too shocked to even struggle. It seemed to go on for an eternity, and not for the usual, romantic reasons either. Finally, she wriggled one arm free and clobbered Kuno over the head.  
He fell to the ground, stunned. Nabiki stared at the frying pan in her hand, equally stunned. *Where did that come from?* she wondered.  
  


***  


  
Across the street, Midori and Kyoko trained their cameras on the scene at the Tendos' front gate.  
"She hit him," Kyoko said. "I don't believe it. Half a kiss from freedom, and she decides to clobber him. What's she thinking?"  
"Well," Midori said, "at least it's in character. I thought she'd _never_ get her sister down."  
"You get the kiss?"  
"Yeah. Did you?"  
"Got it," Kyoko said. She snapped another picture. "How did she do that, anyway?"  
"What, the frying pan?"  
"Yeah. I thought only martial artists did that."  
"I don't know," Midori said. "It's Akane's body, after all, and Nabiki's had training...."  
Kyoko frowned. "Midori," she said, "I know how a turn signal works, but that doesn't make me Mario Andretti."  
"I suppose not," Midori said. "Maybe she just got lucky."  
  


***  


  
When Akane and Ranma reached the Nekohanten, it was near closing time. Mousse swept and upended chairs onto tables. Shampoo, cleaning the kitchen, spotted them as they crossed the threshold.  
"Ranma!" Shampoo exclaimed happily. Leaping over the counter, she applied a full-body Amazon glomp to Akane. Mousse glowered from the corner, while Ranma had to suppress the urge to laugh out loud.  
"Shampoo, get off of me!" Akane said. "We're both girls, for heaven's sake! Let go!" She managed to pry the Amazon loose, pushing her back.  
Shampoo frowned, but immediately bounded into the kitchen. She returned with a kettle of hot water and upended it over Akane.  
"Hey!" Akane yelled. "That's hot! What're you doing?" Her voice descended into a lower register, as her body became male. Ranma couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his male self, clad in Akane's shorts and top, which were obviously both feminine and designed for a smaller frame. It was a fine example of why Ranma refused to dress as a girl, even when a girl.  
"Now only one of us girl!" Shampoo exclaimed. Again she hugged Ranma. Akane shoved her back so hard that Shampoo stumbled backwards, into the counter.  
"Stop grabbing me, Shampoo! Knock it off!"  
"What wrong, Ranma?" Shampoo asked, obviously disappointed. "You no like Shampoo?"  
"Did I say that?" Akane-kun asked, then paused. A glint appeared in his eyes. "Although, now that you mention it," he said, "there's something I've been meaning to tell you, Shampoo."  
"Yes?" Shampoo's eyes sparkled. "Ranma! You come to say something special to Shampoo? Oh, Shampoo so happy!"  
Akane paused, surprised by this reaction, then forged ahead. "It's just that, you've been pursuing me for so long...."  
"Yes?"  
"...and I've never actually come out and said anything, but...."  
"Yes?" Shampoo held her hands before her, waiting for the words she'd longed to hear. Meanwhile, Mousse had put down the broom and stood with his feet apart, clearly ready to launch an attack should he deem one needed.  
Sensing trouble, Ranma interrupted. "Ranma's not himself today," she said. "Pay no attention to anything he says."  
Shampoo seemed to notice Ranma for the first time. "Nabiki?" she said. "You no interrupt Airen, or Shampoo be very, very angry."  
"I just wanted to tell you," Akane continued, "that I like you as a friend, but...."  
"He's delusional!" Ranma blurted out. "Don't listen to him!" Ranma took Akane's hand. "Don't even try to talk, you idiot! You're too brainless to know what's going on."  
Shampoo shoved Nabiki Ranma back. "Shampoo warn you once more. You no interrupt!"  
"Shut up, Ranma! This is between Shampoo and me!"  
"See what I mean? He thinks I'm Ranma!"  
"Ranma, you idiot!" Akane yelled.  
"Aiya! Is true!" Shampoo said. She placed a hand on Akane's forehead. "You is sick, Ranma?" she asked. She paused in thought, then snapped her fingers. "Shampoo know what do! Great-Grandmother medicine cure Ranma quick!"  
"Wait! I'm not sick!"  
"Yes you are, Ranma," Ranma said.  
"Is true," Shampoo said. "You act very strange lately, Ranma. Shampoo notice. Why you dress like girl all times?"  
"Well, I _am_ a girl..." Akane began, then trailed off. "I mean, normally... no, wait, that's not right." Akane-kun looked about in panic, focused on Ranma, and that glint reappeared in his eyes. "It's this stupid bet I made with Nabiki here," he said. "I lost, so I have to dress like a girl."  
"What bet?" Ranma said. "I'd never make a stupid bet like that!"  
"Look," Akane said, "We didn't come here for medicine, Shampoo. We hoped to talk to your great grandmother, Cologne."  
"Great Grandmother not here right now," Shampoo said. "Is just Shampoo and Mousse."  
"Great. Just great," Ranma said. "I'm tired, Akane. Let's go home."  
"Just a second," Akane-kun said. He took a vase of flowers from a table and dumped it over his head.  
"Ah, much better," she said, and followed Ranma out the door.  
  


***  


  
Shampoo stood in the doorway of the Nekohanten and stared up the street until long after Ranma had disappeared. When she turned to head back to the kitchen, a thoughtful look graced her face. Mousse felt he'd just avoided a major disaster. He could guess at Shampoo's train of thought; he saw the wheels spinning in her head, and chose to derail the train before it built up speed.  
"Shampoo," he said. "You know that no one loves you more than I do."  
Shampoo spared him an irritated glance. "Mousse, why you such stupid duck?"  
"I love you, Shampoo!" Mousse said. "I love you more than anyone, including Ranma! What's stupid about that?"  
Shampoo headed back into the kitchen.  
"Mousse," she asked, as she began to wipe down the counter, "who you see just now?"  
"Ranma Saotome," Mousse said, "and Nabiki Tendo. Why?"  
"Nabiki Tendo not here tonight, Mousse."  
The Chinese boy looked confused. "But I saw her! She was right there!"  
"Even when you see," Shampoo said, "you no see. That why Shampoo call you stupid duck."  
  


***  


  
Kuno opened his eyes and sat up. Nabiki stumbled back, dazed. She had the presence of mind to mumble, "Thanks, Kuno, had a great time and all that," as she fumbled at the latch.  
Kuno stared at her, feeling the bump on his head.  
"You hit me," he said.  
"Well, yeah, I did," Nabiki replied.  
"That hurt."  
A sweatdrop appeared on Nabiki's head. Had she blown it? After all she'd gone through...?  
Kuno began laughing, loud enough to wake the neighbors in a several-block radius. "So!" he exclaimed. "It was no dream! Oh, praise the heavens! It was not a dream!"  
Continuing to bigsweat, Nabiki slipped inside the gate and bolted it behind her. Kuno's laughter carried down the street as he walked home. Nabiki shuddered, then turned and spat all over the walkway.  
"Yuck! Ack! Gag! Never again! _Never_ again! Some things even _I_ won't do for money!  
If I _ever_ say I'm going to do something like that again, somebody please shoot me!"  
"I'm sorry," a voice behind her said, "but I don't carry a gun."  
Nabiki spun about, nearly collided with a short woman on a stick.  
"Cologne!" Nabiki exclaimed.  
"Akane, dear," the Amazon matriarch said. "Or should I say Ranma?"  
"Neither, actually," Nabiki replied. She instinctively knew to not lie to this woman when it wasn't absolutely necessary.  
"Ah, yes, Nabiki," Cologne said. "I knew you were involved in this somehow. You always were smarter than the others."  
"Whatever," Nabiki said, crossing her arms. "Is this a social call? Is there something I can do for you? I'm missing my beauty sleep, you know."  
A light breeze tossed the Amazon's white hair about. She stared at Nabiki. She paused, apparently for dramatic effect, and then said, "Give me the brooch."  
"Brooch?"  
"Do not play dumb with me," Cologne said. "You are in Akane's body, and you used a magical brooch to get there. I want that brooch."  
"Assuming for the moment that I have this brooch," Nabiki said, "why would I give it to you?"  
Cologne sighed. "You're going to make this difficult, aren't you, Miss Tendo? This brooch is an ancient heirloom stolen from my people, and it must be returned to us. It's ours by right. It is also a very dangerous artifact, and can cause great harm in the hands of an amateur such as yourself. Hand it over."  
"No."  
"It is not a request," Cologne said. "If you won't cooperate, then I shall be forced to take it from you."  
Nabiki's laughter rang out. "Take it from me?" she said. "What makes you think I have it on me? As you've noted, I'm not stupid."  
The Amazon's eyes narrowed. "Where have you hidden it, girl?"  
"Where you'll never find it, old woman," Nabiki replied. Her eyes remained locked with Cologne's.  
"Careful, girl," the Amazon woman said. "You tread a dangerous path. Be careful that you are not trapped by your own carelessness."  
"Is that a threat?"  
"No," Cologne said, "it is a warning." She jumped to the top of the wall, then called back over her shoulder, "We will speak on this again! This conversation is not finished until I have the brooch!"  
  


***  


  
Nabiki popped the pills into her mouth, took a drink of water, and swallowed. She knew from experience that she'd be sound asleep within ten minutes; in a household like the Tendo's it was a very useful trick.  
She slipped into her room and slid open her dresser drawer. She reached in, feeling along the wood roof of the dresser, and found the brooch where she'd taped it. She pulled it out and stared at it a moment.  
Strange, that such an ugly piece of metal could be the source of such a powerful magic.  
Carefully she slipped down the hall and into her room. Ranma was there, sound asleep on a futon, and thankfully wearing some of her pajamas. It was a bit creepy to see her own body from several feet away, but Nabiki shrugged it off. Quickly she pinned the brooch to Ranma's pajamas, the sat back.  
While Nabiki waited for the pills to take effect, she studied her body from the unusual vantage point of another's eyes. She didn't like what she saw, not only because, like most, she was critical of her looks, but also because Ranma, in usual fashion, sprawled every which way, and snored in a most unbecoming manner. Nabiki made a mental note to not loan her body out to others, especially careless idiotic martial artists. She was lucky to be getting it back in one piece.  
She leaned over the sleeping form of herself.  
"Ranma," she called out. "Wakey wakey."  
The increasingly gender-confused boy/girl continued to snore away. Nabiki frowned in irritation.  
"Ranma," she said, a little louder. Still there was no response.  
"Oh, look," Nabiki said, "Here's Auntie Saotome!"  
Ranma shot up like a catapult. There was a crack as their heads met, harder than Nabiki had anticipated. Then she was sitting on the futon in her pajamas as the room spun about her. Ranma-as-Akane was nearby, rubbing her head and looking confused. Nabiki's head ached too, but she had enough presence of mind to undo the brooch and palm it, before Ranma noticed.  
*Mission accomplished,* Nabiki thought with a smile. *What shall I do for an encore?*  
"Nabiki?" Ranma asked. She rubbed her eyes blearily. "What are you doing here?"  
"Well, it _is_ my room," Nabiki said.  
"I'm Akane again?" Ranma asked, still half asleep. "Maybe I should wake Akane and try her too."  
"Go to bed, Ranma," Nabiki said. "We'll worry about it in the morning."  
  


***  


  
It was six a.m. Monday morning, and Ranma and Akane were yelling at each other.  
Nabiki sat on her bed, wincing at the noise. You'd think switching those two around would allow for a break in the monotony. Maybe Father was right. Maybe nothing essential had been changed.  
Should she leave them this way? For how long? A few days? A week? Perhaps even a month or more? After all, it might do them good, and provide Nabiki with a bit of amusement.  
Maybe she wouldn't switch them back at all. She had the power, now, to use as she wished.  
She toyed with the brooch in her hands. Under no circumstances was she going to let it out of her sight again. Those damned Amazons had been known to sneak into the Tendo household, and they weren't above thievery. Nabiki slid the brooch into her pocket, smiling. No, she and her friends had too many ideas on how to use this little trinket.  
  


***  


  
"So what's wrong with the way I'm dressed anyways?"  
Akane stood in the hallway fuming. Ranma was dressed in her usual loose black pants and red top. Of course, Ranma wasn't Ranma, at the moment.  
"What do you think?" Akane yelled. You're supposed to be _me_, remember? Do you want everyone to think I'm weird or something?"  
"Ah, man, I'm tired of wearing dresses!"  
"Ranma! You're in my body! You've got to dress and act like me!"  
"That shouldn't be too hard..." Ranma said. "All I gotta do is be angry all the time...."  
"Baka!" Akane yelled, clobbering Ranma over the head.  
"Hey!" Ranma yelled back. "_I'm_ the violent tomboy now, remember?"  
"You idiot! All of this is your fault!"  
"Anyway," Ranma continued, "_you're_ wearing a dress. Aren't you supposed to be me? Since when did I start wearing dresses to school?"  
"Since last week," Akane replied. "Kasumi's been wearing them, remember?"  
Ranma's face fell slightly. "Ah, man, now everyone's gonna think I'm weird or something...."  
"They already do," Akane said. "Besides, people are used to you being a girl. You switch sexes so often, it's a wonder anyone knows you're a guy."  
"Hey!"  
"Well?"  
Kasumi appeared at the top of the stairs. "Hurry up, you two! You don't want to be late, do you?"  
Akane narrowed her eyes. "We're not going anywhere until _Akane _here changes into a proper uniform!"  
"Okay, okay," Ranma said, stepping back into Akane's room. "I'll put on the stupid dress. Geez, it's not like anyone thinks you're feminine or nothing...."  
"RANMA!"  
  


***  


  
Ranma placed her thumb over the garden hose, spraying water all over Akane. Akane shrunk, transforming back into a red-headed girl in a dress, rather than a black-haired guy in a dress.  
"I swear," Ranma said, "that old woman _never_ used hot water before!"  
"Well," Akane said, "at least it's more easily fixed. Come on, we're gonna be late!"  
Akane ran down the street that led to their school. Ranma hopped onto the fence and began ran atop it, shadowing Akane.  
Akane slowed down. "If you do that," she said, "people are going to see your underwear."  
Ranma frowned, then hopped back down. "You're the one that insisted I wear this thing," she said.  
"Baka."  
"Uncute tomboy."  
"That's my line."  
"Oh, yeah. Um... hentai."  
"Much better," Akane said. "Now hurry up!"  
  


***  


  
The room was empty when Ranma entered, quiet save for a persistent drip echoing from the showers. She moved quickly between rows of lockers until she found the one marked 'Akane'. This she yanked open.  
Inside were two gym suits, a swimsuit, shoes, socks, and underwear. Some makeup sat on a shelf. Inside the door was a mirror and a picture of a certain black pig.  
Ranma frowned. In the mirror, Akane frowned back. Ranma, never happy to see Akane frown, tried to smile. For some reason, it held none of the cuteness inherent in Akane's own smile.  
Voices echoed off concrete and tile as girls began to stream in. Remembering why she'd arrived so early, Ranma undressed as fast as she could.  
Several girls rounded the corner. They stopped and stared at Ranma.  
"Akane? What's with the boxers?"  
"Aren't those Ranma's?"  
"Eeew, Akane, that's weird!"  
"Um," Ranma said. "Um... I guess I grabbed the wrong underwear this morning...?"  
"Huh?"  
"Why would Ranma's underwear be in your room?"  
"Don't tell me you two are sleeping together!"  
"What? Of course not!" Ranma said, her cheeks flushing red. "Don't be stupid!"  
"Well, it just seems weird...."  
More girls entered the locker room, and those already there were quickly becoming naked. Ranma spun to face her locker, ignoring those around her. She pulled the swimsuit on quickly and ran for the exit.  
Akane walked through the front door, nearly colliding with Ranma. Her eyes went wide.  
"Ranma? What are _you_ doing in here? You pervert!"  
As one, the girls in the room turned. Seeing Akane, they began screaming, covering up, and throwing things at her.  
"Ranma you pervert!" one screamed.  
"What are you trying to do? This is the _girls_ locker room, you idiot!" another yelled.  
"Wait!" Akane yelled. Water buckets, bars of soap, and other objects bounced off of her. Cursing, Ranma grabbed Akane's arm and yanked her out into the hallway.  
"What the heck are ya doing, Akane?" she said. "Don't you remember who you are right now?"  
Akane's friend Sayuri poked her head out the door. "Akane, keep your hentai fiancée under control, got it?"  
Akane was nearly in tears. "I... I didn't remember, I... I just wanted to change for p.e. ...."  
"You have to use the bathroom in the nurse's office," Ranma said.  
"Yeah," Akane said, rubbing her head. "Um... where's your swimsuit, then?"  
"In my locker."  
Akane glanced across the hall at the entrance to the boy's locker. "I'm _not_ going in there," she said. "Especially like this."  
Ranma sighed. "Just a second, okay?"  
She walked over and pounded on the door, then threw it open. Boys, in various states of undress, glanced up.  
"HEY DAISUKE!" Ranma yelled. "BRING RANMA HER SWIMSUIT, GOT IT? RIGHT NOW!!!"  
  
Five minutes later, now wearing Ranma's swimsuit, Akane left the nurse's office. Ranma waited for her.  
"So," Akane said, "you dressed in the girl's locker room."  
"Well?" Ranma said, his face growing hot. "What did you expect? It's not like I had a choice, you know!"  
"You hentai! Why not tell the coach you're sick?"  
"I did."  
"And?"  
"Um..." Ranma looked away, embarrassed. "The coach said... that I didn't look sick, and that... um, that it... it wasn't my time of the month...."  
Akane's face flushed red, and she looked away.  
"Baka!" she said, softly. "I want my body back!"  
"You're not the only one," Ranma said. "As soon as school's out, we're going to see the ghoul."  
  


***  


  
Nabiki, Kyoko, and Midori sat by the side of the pool, talking in quiet tones.  
"We could switch with a teacher," Kyoko said. "Then you could alter grades as you like."  
"That's kind of risky," Midori said. "You run a good chance of getting caught."  
"Well, okay," Kyoko said. "How about this? You charge people to take their tests for them. A simple switch, and an hour later you've got a perfect A. I mean, any of us could ace a test for one of the lower grades."  
"That's a good idea," Midori said. "That might work."  
"I don't want people to know how it's done," Nabiki replied.  
"That's easy enough," Midori said. "You pile on lots of mystic mumbo jumbo to hide the truth. Runic symbols on the floor, chanting by the light of the moon, candles and incense, that sort of thing."  
"Sounds good," Kyoko said. "You know, the real trick would be passing college entrance exams. If we could find a couple of genius college students to work with, we could make a bundle real quick."  
"No kidding," Midori said. "That's brilliant, Kyoko, absolutely brilliant!"  
You know," Kyoko said, "something like this provides effective immortality, if you abuse it."  
"No," Nabiki said. "I don't want to abuse it. All I want is to have some fun and make some money. Most of all, I want to keep it secret. I don't want to expose ourselves more than is necessary."  
"Did Kuno make the deposit?" Midori asked. "We'll need to pay everyone at lunch, you know."  
"Don't worry," Nabiki said. "The money's in the bank. I checked."  
"The pictures will be developed by tonight," Kyoko said. "We can sell them tomorrow."  
Nabiki nodded, frowning.  
"What's wrong, Nabiki?" Midori asked. "Everything's turned out well, but you're not satisfied. Something's eating at you, I can tell. Is it the kiss with Kuno?"  
Nabiki made a face. "No," she said, "it's something else. We've got a problem, girls; that Amazon woman is on to me. We're going to have to be careful."  
"Shampoo's grandmother?" Midori asked. "Wow, Nabiki, you're talking about a dangerous woman there. What are you going to do about it?"  
"I don't know," Nabiki said.  
"Maybe that selective memory loss technique?" Kyoko suggested.  
"Do you know how to do that?" Midori replied. "Do you know someone who could nail her with it?"  
"Well, no...."  
"We have to act fast," Nabiki said. "Ranma and Akane will go to see her eventually. Probably this afternoon, in fact. Then they'll know, and our game will be exposed."  
The other two stared at Nabiki, eyes growing wide.  
"What are we going to do?" Kyoko asked.  
"Start thinking," Nabiki said. "We still have the brooch. By the time school ends, we need to have a plan as well."  
  


***  


  
Ranma dove into the pool and swam to the opposite side. Akane perched there, at the edge of the pool, along with several other girls.  
"Akane," one of the girls exclaimed. "When did you learn to swim?"  
"Wow, Akane! That was really good!"  
"Have you been practicing in secret?"  
Large sweatdrops appeared on Ranma and Akane's heads. "I... um..." Ranma said, "...yeah, that's it. I've, ah, been practicing...."  
"Baka," Akane said.  
Ranma flashed her a wicked smile. "Come on in, _Ranma_," she said. "I'll race you to the other side!"  
"No thanks," Akane replied, glowering.  
Ranma dove down to the bottom, and then resurfaced with a splash.  
"That's great, Akane! I'm impressed!"  
"Thanks!" Ranma said. "I think I'm getting good at it!"  
Akane rolled her eyes. "Good at what?" Akane retorted. "All you did was dive down and come back up!"  
"Yeah," Ranma said, "but until last week, I was an absolute cow in the water."  
The girls stifled their laughter.  
"Come on, Akane," one said, "you weren't that bad."  
"Yeah, you're being too hard on yourself."  
"No I'm not," Ranma said. "I was a rock. A lead weight. An anchor. A...."  
"We get the picture," Akane growled. Steam appeared to rise from her body.  
Ranma smiled. "I'm just saying I'm much better at it now!" As if to demonstrate, she backstroked out several feet, then swam back.  
"Big deal, _Akane,_" Akane said. "If you remember any of this by next week, then I'll be surprised."  
Ranma had no reply to this. If she remembered this next week, she'd still be in Akane's body.  
"Stop picking on her, Ranma," Akane's friend Sayuri said. "She really _is_ doing better!"  
"Yeah, grow up, why don't you?" Yuka added. "You're such a jerk sometimes!"  
Akane looked at her friends in surprise, then lowered her eyes. She glared at Ranma again.  
Ranma only laughed and disappeared beneath the water.  
  


***  


  
Soun and Genma sat hunched over the family table, sorting through the massive pile of shredded paper that had once been a book of ancient Chinese secrets. Birds chirped in the yard out back, greeting the morning sun as it emerged from behind a cloud.  
The phone rang.  
"Kasumi? Have you got that?" Soun called out.  
"She's hanging laundry out back," Genma said.  
Grumbling, Soun got up to answer the phone.  
"Hello, Tendo-san?" a voice said. "This is Tofu-Sensei. I finally remembered something last night that I think you should know...."  
As Soun listened to the doctor speak he toyed with the scrap of paper in his hand. Suddenly he held it up and stared at it. It was half of a picture of a pewter brooch, carved in the likeness of a grinning monkey.  
"Funny you should mention that, Tofu-Sensei," he said.  
"Father," Kasumi said, coming around the corner. "I was doing the wash, and I found this piece of paper in the pocket of Nabiki's jeans." She held up a damp scrap. Soun took it and lined it up next to his.  
It was a perfect match. Now he could see the entire brooch.  
"It looks just like an odd brooch I found in the dirt last week," Kasumi said. "At first I didn't think much of it, but...."  
There was a knock at the door. Kasumi opened it. On the porch, balancing on her staff, was the Amazon matriarch, Cologne.  
"Soun Tendo," she said, "we need to talk."  
  


***  


  
"Honestly, you're an even bigger jerk in my body," Akane said over lunch.  
She opened her bento box, and her face fell. Leftovers. Great. In three days, Ranma had cooked enough food to last a week.  
"That's not what I call it," Ranma said, stuffing her face. "I call it retribution."  
Akane pulled out her chopsticks and began to pick at her meal. "Retribution? What the heck do you mean by that?"  
"Airen!" a familiar voice called out. The tinkle of a bicycle bell mixed with sounds of screaming, shouting, and things crashing and breaking.  
"Your girlfriend's here," Ranma said casually.  
"_My _girlfriend?" Akane said. "What do you mean, _my_ girlfriend?"  
A purple-haired girl latched onto Akane. "Ranma!" she exclaimed. "Shampoo so happy to see you! You eat ramen I make for you, yes?"  
"Oh, no you don't!" another voice called out. "Ranchan's going to eat the okonomiyaki that _I_ made for him!"  
"That would be your _other _girlfriend," Ranma said.  
"They're not my girlfriends, you pervert!" Akane yelled.  
Ranma watched Akane struggle with Shampoo. "Like I said. Retribution."  
Ukyo planted herself in front of their table. "Hands off, Shampoo! Ranchan's MY fiancée!"  
"Shampoo!" Akane growled, prying the Amazon loose. "Get OFF of me!"  
Shampoo suddenly let go. She stepped back, looking from Akane to Ukyo.  
"Okay," she said. "Shampoo see now. Ranma really want Ukyo as bride, Shampoo no stand in way." She turned and grabbed Ranma's hand. "Akane come with Shampoo," she said. "Leave two love birds alone."  
Akane, Ranma, and Ukyo stared at Shampoo in shock. Ukyo was the first to react.  
"Ranma Honey!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms about Akane. "Did you _hear_ that? Shampoo approves of us as a couple!"  
"Now wait a second!" Akane exclaimed, but Shampoo was already dragging Ranma away from the table.  
"You want ramen?" Shampoo asked, as she led Ranma to another table. "Is house special. Shampoo bring pork buns too!"  
Ranma's eyes got big. "Well, why didn't you say so?" she said. She sat down and began stuffing her face.  
"Ranma, you like?" Shampoo asked.  
"They're the best!" Ranma replied, mouth full.  
"Why you in Akane's body?"  
Ranma paused, sensing a trap. "I'm not in Akane's body," she said. "I mean... um... I AM Akane, of course! I'm not Ranma at all!" She glowered across the room at Akane, being hand-fed by Ukyo despite her protests, and growled, "That stupid Ranma! I'm gonna pound him into the ground for no apparent reason!"  
Shampoo smiled. "Always you is bad actor, Ranma," she said. "You is fool Mousse and Ryoga, but you is no fool Shampoo."  
"What do you mean?" Ranma asked. "I sound just like Akane! Which is me! Akane! That's who I am, all right! Do I look like Ranma to you? With these wide hips and this flat chest? Of course not!"  
A pair of shadows fell across the table. Cologne and Kasumi waited patiently for Ranma to finish.  
"Hello, Ranma," Kasumi said pleasantly. "How's school so far?"  
"Son-In-Law," Cologne said. "You do not, at the moment, make an ideal husband for my grand-daughter. Would you like your old body back?"  
  


***  


  
It was a busy day for Nabiki. She sat in the center of the lunch room, flanked by her two co-conspirators, while half the school lined up before her. A large black binder lay open on the table, next to a hand calculator and a checkbook.  
"Name?" Nabiki asked.  
"Kyosuke."  
Nabiki eyed the boy at the front of the line, then flipped through the binder. "twenty thousand yen, is it? Okay, then." She wrote a check, then handed it to the boy.  
"How do I know this is good?" he said. "I've heard rumors of how much you've lost. They say you can't cover all the bets!"  
"I can cover them," Nabiki said, her voice laced with steel. "My checks are good. Now move out of the way, we don't have all day here. Next? HEY, NO SHOVING! YOU'LL ALL GET YOUR MONEY SOON ENOUGH!"  
A girl stepped up. "Name?" Nabiki asked.  
"You know who I am, Nabiki," the girl said.  
"NAME?" Nabiki repeated.  
"Uh... Sayuri."  
"Let's see... Sayuri...." Nabiki searched the book. "Ah. Only 5,000? Big spender!"  
"It's all I had," Sayuri said, defensively. She took her check and left.  
"Next? Name?" Nabiki asked.  
"Ono, Tofu."  
"Tofu... Tofu...." Nabiki flipped through her binder. "Tofu... Tofu... I don't seem to have you down for a bet...."  
Nabiki paused. She looked up. Dr. Tofu Ono regarded her calmly, his gaze never wavering.  
"Tofu-Sensei?" she said, smiling sweetly. "How may I help you?"  
Dr. Tofu smiled back.  
"Nabiki," he said, "do you remember that Monkey Head-Butting technique which Ranma and Akane asked me about? Well, I finally remembered how it worked. It's not really a technique at all; it involves a special magical amulet, a brooch in the shape of a monkey's head."  
Nabiki's gaze also didn't waver. "Yes?" she said. "That's very interesting, Tofu-Sensei, but what does it have to do with me? I'm very busy at the moment...."  
Nabiki realized, suddenly, that Kyoko and Midori no longer stood to either side of her. Instead, she had Ranma, Shampoo, and Genma to her left, and Akane, Ukyo, Cologne, and her own father to her right. Tears flowed down her father's face. Kasumi was also there, standing a ways off.  
"Daddy?" she asked. "Mr. Saotome? What are all of you doing here?"  
"Nabiki!" Akane growled. "You knew all along, didn't you? My own sister!"  
"Nabiki!" her father cried. "How could you do this to your own family?"  
"The brooch, please," Cologne said.  
"You have it, don't you?" Ranma said, cracking her knuckles.  
"Moi? Surely you don't think I'd hide it from you?"  
"Depends on the money involved," replied Ranma. She stepped forward. "How about I bump heads with you and find out?"  
"Please," Nabiki said, "that won't be necessary...."  
"Yes it will!" Ranma yelled. She lunged forward, banging heads with the middle Tendo sister.  
Nabiki's world spun about. For the second time in twenty-four hours, she found herself in the body of her younger sister.  
"Ha! I thought so!" Ranma, now in Nabiki's body, exclaimed. She stood up, knocking over Nabiki's books and records in the process. "Akane! Heads up!" she yelled, leaping head-first at her own body.  
"What are you doing?" Nabiki yelled. "Stop that!" She tried to jump forward, but was grabbed by Shampoo and Genma.  
Ranma and Akane's heads collided. They stumbled back, then glanced down at themselves.  
"Awesome!" Ranma yelled. "I'm finally back in my own body again! Although," she added, " I'm still wearing a dress...."  
Akane, in her sister's body now, glared at Nabiki, then smirked. "She ought to be punished," Akane said. "Maybe we could leave her in my body. Let _her_ be the one engaged to Ranma for a while!"  
"Very funny," Nabiki replied, "but I doubt you want to keep my body over your own. You've had your fun; now give me my body back."  
"Not so fast," Akane said, digging through Nabiki's pockets. "Hold her. I want to find that brooch." She upended Nabiki's book bag on the table and sorted through the contents.  
"Hey, what's this? Film?" Akane glanced up. "Who you selling cheese shots of now, Nabiki?"  
"They're pictures of floral arrangements," Nabiki said, "nothing more."  
"Ha! A likely story! Then you won't mind if I destroy them, will you?"  
"Leave them alone!" Nabiki yelled.  
"Hey, what's this? Hmmm, personal ledger." Akane scanned the figures, then glanced up. "Took quite a hit at the big fight, didn't you?" She glanced down again, and paused. "What's this about Kuno?" Akane's eyes went wide. "Kamisama! He paid you_ how_ much? Nabiki, _what on earth_ did you do for Kuno? Wait, I don't want to know. For that kind of money, I don't even want to think about it."  
"Hey, check this out!" Ranma said. She was flipping through a small black book that had spilled onto the table. "It's a book on everyone she's blackmailing! Wow! Students, teachers, principal, parents, relatives, neighbors... oh, come on, Nabiki, you can't be blackmailing _all _of these people!"  
"Let me see that," Akane said. She glanced through the book. "Oh, see these pencil marks, near most of the names? That must mean _potential_ blackmail. Boy, Sis, you sure got dirt on some powerful people here, don't you? Just in case, huh?" She glanced up and smiled wickedly. "What would these people think if they found out what's in this book?"  
Nabiki rolled her eyes disdainfully. "If you want to, go right ahead," she said. "It will cause me a few problems, I admit, but that's all. I know you're mad at me, Akane, but there's no sense in being vindictive. It's not in your nature. Nothing you say or do is going to hurt me in the end, so you might as well forget all of your petty schemes to 'punish' me."  
"Says you," Akane replied. She leaped onto the table and called out to the entire lunchroom, "Listen up, everyone! I, Nabiki Tendo, swear upon my mother's grave to buy everyone's lunch tomorrow! EVERYONE! Consider it my gift to you!!"  
"Does that include take-out?" someone yelled.  
"You got it!" Akane yelled back.  
Nabiki's eyes went wide. "You can't do that!" she yelled. Around her, the cafeteria erupted into loud cheering.  
"Hey," Akane said, "it's my money, right? I can do whatever I want with it! In fact, Ranma, I declare all your debts to me null and void! Let's start with a clean slate, shall we?"  
"Sure thing, Nabiki!" Ranma said.  
"Oh, ha ha, very funny," Nabiki said.  
"Enough of this," Cologne said. "Where is the brooch?"  
"Right here," Akane said. She pulled it out of a pocket and held it up. "Kind of ugly, isn't it?" She studied the odd piece of pewter with the grinning' monkey's face. "Then again, if it gets me back into my own body, who cares?" She leapt down from the table and glared at Nabiki one last time.  
"Heads up, Sis," she said, snapping her head forward.  
  


***  


  
Akane checked her body over, as if to make certain all of the parts were in place. "I can't believe it's finally over," she said.  
"Sez you," Ranma growled. "I'm still wearing a dress, in case you didn't notice. It'll be over when I get home and can be myself again."  
Cologne held the brooch, while Dr. Tofu and Genma held Nabiki. Soun, still weeping, stood with Akane and Ranma, while Kasumi, Shampoo, and Ukyo stood a ways off. The lunch room had emptied as students headed back to class, and only a few remained to watch.  
"The Monkey Head-Butting brooch," Cologne said. "To think, after all of this time, it finally reappears. I'm almost certain it was stolen by Happosai, but no matter. What was once ours becomes ours again."  
"Fine by me if you take that thing," Ranma said. "I wouldn't be caught dead with it on me. It's an accident waiting to happen."  
"You are quite correct," Cologne said. "This is a powerful magical talisman, and can be very dangerous in the hands of the unwary."  
"How nice!" Kasumi said. "Everyone's back in their own bodies, finally! All's well that ends well, wouldn't you agree, Nabiki?"  
"Whatever," Nabiki said. "If you don't release me, I'm going to be late for class."  
"Nabiki!" Soun wailed. "Please forgive your father! I only want what's best for you!"  
"My only concern," Cologne said, "is that you learn your lesson, Miss Tendo. This time you went too far. You used magic to alter people's lives, something far beyond your usual blackmailing and manipulations. You hurt your own kin in the process. Would you have enjoyed being stuck in Ranma's body, perhaps forever? Ranma and Akane had no way of knowing this was temporary. What if you'd lost the brooch? Then it _would_ have been forever. And your actions do not affect just the two of them, but everyone who associates with them. I think you owe an apology to Ranma and Akane, at the very least."  
Nabiki's shoulders finally slumped, and she stared down at the floor. "I... I'm sorry," she said in a quiet voice. "I'm sorry, Ranma, Akane. I was going to switch you back, eventually, I... I guess I got a little carried away. Please, forgive me, if you can."  
"That's okay, Sis," Akane said. "I forgive you."  
She elbowed Ranma.  
"Ah, I forgive ya, Nabiki," he managed. "I mean, you've helped me out enough times... even if you always charge me...."  
"Very well," Cologne said. "Now all that remains is to put this brooch away someplace safe...."  
Kasumi stepped forward, putting her hands around Nabiki. "Oh, Sis, I'm so proud of you! I know how difficult that was for you to say. I forgive you too! Let's let bygones be bygones!"  
Kasumi was now standing right in front of Doctor Tofu. The good Doctor, who had been working very hard to control himself, suddenly lost it. His glasses fogged over instantly. He let go of Nabiki and stumbled forward. "K-K-Kasumi!" he exclaimed. "How strange that we should meet like this!"  
"Shimatta!" Ranma cursed.  
Nabiki, Genma, and Kasumi were knocked back. "Look out, you fool!" Cologne yelled, before Nabiki stumbled into her.  
` "Ow! Excuse me!" Nabiki said. She twisted, trying to keep from falling, and collided with Shampoo. The two girls fell to the ground, with Nabiki on top.  
"I said careful!" Cologne cried out. "Now you've done it!"  
Nabiki sat up, then looked down at herself. "Aiya!" she exclaimed. "What you do to me, Nabiki Tendo?"  
"Oh, great," Shampoo said. "I'm a Chinese Amazon bimbo."  
It took the others a moment to realize what had happened. The brooch was no longer in Cologne's hand, but hooked onto the front of Nabiki's shirt. The rest was obvious.  
"Now, be careful," Cologne said. "That thing can be dangerous...."  
Shampoo grabbed the brooch. "Here," Nabiki said, "give me that." Shampoo jerked her hand back, and the brooch sailed across the cafeteria.  
"Don't lose it!" Cologne cried out. Several started after it, when a small man in a dark red gi leapt through an open window. On his back was a massive sack, from which dangled various items of lingerie.  
"Eh? What's this?" Happosai said, looking up. The brooch landed neatly in his hand.  
"Hey, what do you know?" he said. "I recognize this! It's the monkey brooch! This is the device that allows for the Monkey Head-Butting technique!"  
Happosai glanced up and saw the others. In a flash , he pinned the brooch to his vest and bounded across the cafeteria.  
"Akane!" he exclaimed. "Bump heads with me!"  
"Not on your life!" Akane yelled. She met Happosai mid-air with a perfect block, knocking the diminutive master aside.  
Happosai crashed into Doctor Tofu. The brooch again went flying.  
"Stop it!" Cologne yelled. "Grab it, somebody!"  
Seemingly from nowhere, Tatewaki Kuno appeared, bokken raised. He ran towards them. Falling, the brooch snagged his sleeve and stayed there.  
"Pig-tailed girl!" Kuno said. "Date with me again!"  
"NO! Keep away from me!" Ranma yelled. She placed a solid kick under Kuno's chin, and the kendoist was launched through the roof.  
"Oh man, that was scary," Ranma said, then paused. "Again? What did he mean by again?"  
The brooch fell onto Ranma's arm. She stared at it in horror. "Aaaaigh! Get it off me! Get it off me!"  
Nabiki, in Shampoo's body, stepped forward. "Here, Ranma-kun, I'll take that off your hands," she said. Then, suddenly, a Chinese boy wearing thick glasses and a white robe glomped onto her.  
"Shampoo! I love you!" Mousse said.  
"I'm not Shampoo, you moron!"  
"Ranma! Prepare to die!" a third voice called out. Ranma spun, to see Ryoga flying through the air head-first at her.  
"Oh man! Not now, you idiot!" Ranma dodged in desperation. Nabiki lunged forward, snatching the brooch from her arm. Ryoga plowed into Nabiki, and they both went sprawling.  
The brooch flew at Akane, who dodged it as if it were toxic. It landed in Cologne's hands.  
Nabiki, now in Ryoga's body, looked pissed. "Great," he said. "First a bimbo, now the eternally lost pig-boy. Wonderful. Just peachy."  
Ryoga, now in Shampoo's body, glanced down at herself in horror. "Aaaigh! What's happened?" she cried out. "Ranma, this is all your fault!"  
Cologne look at the brooch in wonder. "Do you see?" she said. "I warned you, a device of this power can cause great harm...."  
At precisely that moment, satellite Kuno fell from orbit, proving that what goes up must come down, and often on someone's head. Kuno collided with Cologne, and, for a split second, balanced precariously atop her, on his head, like some sort of bizaare circus act. Then he fell sideways to the ground, unconscious.  
Cologne -- or could it really be Kuno? -- blinked, looking confused. The brooch was lifted easily from her hands.  
Mousse held the brooch, a foolish grin on his face. "At last!" he said, "A way to defeat Ranma! Once I take Ranma's body, Shampoo is mine! Ranma! Prepare to face the depths of hell!"  
"Oh, man!" Ranma said, jumping back. However, Mousse launched himself head-first not at Ranma, but at the wall. There was a loud crack, and he fell to the floor, unconscious. The brooch fell from his hand.  
"I've got it!" Genma yelled.  
"No, I've got it!" Ukyo yelled.  
"Wait, I've got it!" Soun yelled.  
"No! It's mine!" Nabiki yelled.  
"Give me that!" Shampoo yelled.  
More heads collided. Ranma and Akane couldn't keep track of them all.  
With a Herculean effort, Kuno appeared to shove the knowledge that she was in Cologne's body completely from her mind. She gazed lovingly at Ranma. "Kiss me once again, pig-tailed girl!" she yelled, leaping directly at Ranma.  
"GAAAH!" Ranma yelled, dodging yet again.  
Behind her came a peal of maniacal laughter. "Oh no. Kodachi Kuno," she said.  
This was followed by the deep, rolling laughter of her equally mad father, Principal Kuno. "De kahuna have de special buzz-cut for de keike dat are late for class, yeah?"  
Behind that he heard a cry of "Oh, you naughty, delinquent children! Why aren't you in class?"  
"Oh, man," said Ranma, "I am outta here!"  
"Right behind you, Ranma!" Akane said. The two ran for an exit. They ran down a school hallway, came to an intersection, and paused.  
The hallways were quiet. Akane and Ranma stood there, looking at each other.  
"Hey, you two! No running in the halls!" a passing teacher called out.  
"Sorry, sir!" the two replied.  
They headed to their homeroom. Their shoes click-clacked on the linoleum, the sound echoing down the hallway. Lunch was over, students were in class, and the teachers had begun their lectures. The school day continued at it's usual pace.  
"We're late for class," Ranma said.  
Akane replied, "Aren't we always?"  
  


***  


  
Back in the cafeteria, the confusion was growing....  
"What have you done to my body?"  
"Your body? What about mine!"  
"Sweeto! What a set of knockers!"  
"Stop that! That's my body you're in!"  
"Somebody tell me what's going on!"  
"Oh, my," Kasumi said. She stood at a safe distance, trying to figure out who was who. "Oh, what a mess! How will we ever sort it out? Oh, my! Oh, my!!"  
  
  


***  


  


END CHAPTER NINE  
  
***  
  
  
  
  
EPILOGUE  


  
It was afternoon in Nerima. In a small Chinese restaurant, business was booming. An old and very short woman with long white hair was manning the kitchen and taking orders. A Japanese girl with short black hair who wore a silk Chinese outfit was waitressing out front, while an old and very short man did the dishes in back. From the ceiling hung a cage, in which lay a duck, looking very pissed off.  
"Great Grandmother," the girl asked, "when Shampoo get own body back?"  
"As soon as we track Happosai down," Cologne said, "we'll get all four of you back into your proper bodies."  
"Why do I gotta be involved in this?" the short old man complained.  
"Because it's convenient," Cologne replied. "I do not trust the Tendo woman to behave herself, and she's the one that caused all of this, so I'm not letting her out of my sight until it's over. She gets your body because I can hold her easily that way. I need a waitress, and Shampoo would prefer to be female, so she gets the Tendo girl's body. You get what's left over. Deal with it, Mousse, it's only temporary."  
Overhead, the duck began squawking. Cologne banged the cage with her staff. "Keep quiet!" she warned. "Or do you want to become Peking Duck?"  
In the back, the old man paused to stare at his hands. "I wonder," he said to himself. "If I remember correctly, Happosai is incredibly quick, and has enormous chi... enough to defeat Ranma Saotome, in fact...."  
The old man chuckled evilly.  
  


***  


  
At Furinkan High, a very long school day was drawing to a close.  
Returning from the restroom, Ranma took a seat next to Akane. She was aware that more than a few sets of eyes in the classroom followed her every movement, and it gave her the creeps. What was up with those guys, anyway?  
"Baka," Akane said softly.  
"What'd I do now?" Ranma whispered back.  
"Don't you know how to sit while wearing a dress? You're going to get it all wrinkled!"  
Ranma sighed, stood, and smoothed her dress out before sitting again.  
"By the way," Ranma said, "I couldn't help noticing that my... um... underwear... had... um... pink teddy bears on it."  
Akane's face flushed red.  
"Hey," she growled, "I'm not exactly thrilled to be wearing boxer shorts under this dress!"  
Ranma fidgeted a moment. "We could... um, you know... switch...."  
"Baka! Keep your voice down!"  
Ranma's two best friends -- if any of his classmates _could _be called friends -- approached.  
"Hey, Hiroshi, hey, Daisuke," Ranma said. "How's it going?"  
"Hey Ranma," Daisuke said. "We were wondering about... you know...."  
"What he means," Hiroshi said, "is that we'd like to take you on another date."  
"A... date?" Ranma asked, dumbfounded.  
"Sure," Daisuke said. "How about tomorrow night?"  
"You could wear that blue dress again," Hiroshi said.  
"_Another _date?" Ranma said, slow to react. "What do you mean by that?"  
"Well, we had so much fun last week," Daisuke said.  
"Yeah, Ranma," Hiroshi said. "We're glad you've decided to show your feminine side. We just want to help."  
Daisuke nodded. "We're behind you all the way on this Ranma."  
"What the heck are you two babbling about?" Ranma growled, becoming angry.  
From across the room, a voice called out, "Pig-tailed girl! Akane Tendo!" Daisuke and Hiroshi took one look and fled. Moments later, Tatewaki Kuno landed on one knee at the feet of his two loves, a bouquet of red roses held out to each.  
"Kuno!" Akane said. "You're yourself again!"  
"Thank the gods," Ranma added. "The world's not ready for a Kuno/Cologne combination."  
"Oh fair red-haired one!" Kuno exclaimed. "Now that my date with the equally fair Akane is accomplished, I must plan our second date! Perhaps, this time, you will allow me to date the both of you at once? Say yes and it will be so!"  
"What?" Ranma and Akane both yelled. As one, they grabbed Kuno by the collar, lifted him, and tossed him out an open window.  
"What was that idiot yammering about?" Ranma said. She glanced accusingly at Akane. "He said he'd been on a date with you!"  
Akane, face red, retorted, "You know I haven't. Besides, he said the same thing about you!"  
"Second date?" Ranma echoed. "Second date? He keeps saying that! I haven't been dating nobody! Why is everyone acting so weird all of a sudden?"  
"Oh," Akane said, placing a hand to her mouth. She sat down again, hard. "Oh, I just remembered, those pictures of Kasumi and Kuno... oh god, she wouldn't... she couldn't... she didn't.... Oh. My. God. She did!"  
"Care to clue me in?" Ranma asked.  
Akane's eyes grew wide with horror. "Kuno's not crazy," she said. "He's dated both of us in the last week."  
Ranma's eyes grew equally wide, then suddenly narrowed. "Nabiki," he growled.  
Akane nodded. "I'm gonna KILL her!"  
"Not if I get to her first!"  
A girl who did not have long, purple hair came flying through the same window that Kuno had just flown out of. She rode a bicycle, and in one hand she carried a take-out box.  
The girl, who looked every bit like Nabiki in Chinese clothes, leapt to Ranma's desk, allowing her bike to collide with the chalkboard.  
"Airen!" she exclaimed. "Shampoo bring special ramen for you! Replace ramen what was destroyed at lunch!"  
She set her delivery box on Ranma's desk.  
"Still looking for Happosai?" Akane asked.  
"What you think, Akane Tendo?" Shampoo said. "This look like Shampoo body to you? Great Grandmother fix everything, but not find pervert in Shampoo's body." A dark look passed over her face. "When Shampoo find, Shampoo kill!!"  
The not-very-Chinese girl turned to Ranma. "Ranma? Why you still dress like girl? You like girl-clothes now?"  
Ranma placed her head in her hands. "Please," she said to no one in particular, "please let this day end!"  
  


***  


  
Somewhere in Nerima, a girl with purple hair was perched on a third-story balcony, quickly stuffing lingerie into a large bag. She paused to examine a particularly fine silk and lace brassiere.  
"Sweeto!" she exclaimed, then glanced down at herself. "If I'm any judge of size, and I am, this should be a perfect fit!"  
  


FINI  


  
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back! Write something different!  
Enjoy! And if you don't, write me anyway!  
  
M.A. Davis aka "Miko"  
belldandy@angelic.com  
http://listen.to/bell/  
  
  
  
Notes:  
  
This story is a bigger than I intended it to be. A LOT bigger. In fact, it's probably the longest story I've ever written. ^_^  
  
My original idea was just to switch Ranma and Kasumi around and have some fun. I don't remember why I picked Kasumi... less obvious than Akane, I suppose, although I managed to get around to that one too.  
  
The fight, and most of Nabiki's scheming, seemed to flow pretty naturally from the basic plot. I debated whether Kasumi would really attempt to fight, but it seems to work as I've written it. Of course, I planned all along to switch her with Akane.  
  
Plots that I did not foresee:  
  
*The whole cooking challenge between Ranma and Happosai came out of left field. I wanted Happosai to show up so that they could ask him about the monkey head-butting technique... and the next thing I knew, he sampled Ranma's food and found fault with it. Ranma reacted badly, of course, and before I knew it I had a secondary plot on my hands. This is definately what they mean when they say "the characters took over the story". I had no control whatsoever!  
  
*Kasumi's date with Kuno also just kind of happened. After his triumphant evening with the pig-tailed girl, it was obvious that Kuno would be desperate for a similar date with Akane. I debated having Kasumi and Akane switch before the fight, allowing me to pull this date off, but it just didn't fit right. It worked much better having Kasumi in Ranma's body right up until the fight, so I scrapped the whole idea.  
  
*Nabiki's second gambit to salvage herself financially was another plot I didn't foresee. When I had Kuno beg for her to arrange a date with Akane, offering her whatever she wanted, it just seemed like the sort of thing he would do. But then Nabiki found out about Ranma's cooking fetish, and I figured she'd do something about it, so in came the food stand. By that point, there was no question that she had set herself up for financial ruin when Mousse lost. I realized she would have a chance to make her money back, if she could give Kuno his date with Akane. My only worry here was that I wanted it to happen. I wanted Kuno to get his date, and I didn't want to leave Nabiki in debt. But if I let her get away with so much, shouldn't I bring down the hammer of divine retribution? Why, of course I should!  
  
I also wanted to see Ranma and Akane in reversed roles for at least a short while. Yes, the end is too long, but I didn't want to delete anything in particular.  
  
  



End file.
